a silver lining

i am so easy to please..and that being said it is both a boon and a bane being easy..

breakable girls and boys

she was a splash of sunshine,
her body looked silky,
but felt waxy,
her spit was the clue to remain shiny..
oh my poor martha..

martha held a gun,
if only she could,she would,
she resisted,but he persisted,
he cried out loud,
but in her heart she growled..
oh my poor martha..

if the day could not get any sunnier,
and if only i could remember,
martha was found stiff,
her spotted coat failed,
she was colder than the morning chill,
her eyeballs were eyeballing eachother,
oh my poor martha..

a crime of passion?
manslaughter?
a night of gallivanting that went wrong?
martha now rests in a toaster box,
flung over a cliff,
where a family of wild boars meet to feast..
oh my poor martha..

the comical knight

the dark knight was..........nt as i expected especially after all the hype that it is being given...for me tim burton hands down gave us the best batman movie ever n micheal keaton n jack nicholson both gave such amazing acting that we cannot associate anyone else to those respective characters...besides that the story deviated a lot from the comic version, it lacked depth, an engaging story line n of course character development...ceh mcm la im certified to say all that..n im not even a comic aficionado..bt i knw one crucial point is that the joker was the one who killed bruce's parents at the back alley n said something like ''did u ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?' .the movie did not explain hw the joker became the joker,n batman's supposedly transition to becoming the 'dark' nite was so abrupt...n looked like it was done in haste..mcm hey lets do a batman movie called the dark nite to depict the masked crusader's evolution into a darker realm..pastu let's put in the joker as well..ooo n lots of explosion n panic n face mutilation.even the gadgets pon tk best.n rachel dawes wasnt beautiful.the joker was lying n joking around like he always did...n then 2 in a half hrs into the movie they forgot mcmane nk buat batman to darker n a lot pisser than he is...oh hell we'll put it in in the last 10 minutes of the movie thru narration n stuff....i guess the best publicity stint this movie ever had was heath ledger's untimely death that teaches us to be clear headed before taking any prescribed medication...READ n UNDERSTAND THE LABELS FIRST adik2 before popping..coz u dnt want to be found dead,n naked, by ur immigrant masseuse.

and you never will be mine

i went to uia to do my graduation clearance....had to go walk around the campus to a number of places for that...bt i still hv to go again this friday n pick up my final transcript...it rained heavily this morning...so i thot the weather this afternoon wldnt be so hot..boy was i wrong..it was scorching n i had to wear my smurfette tshirt n semi-wool sweater....i wldnt say i was drenched...im a light-sweat-er..my bf sweats buckets...i nyer sweat mcm malu2 kucing nk kuar...n as a result i retain all that water..n my lemak all squishy like that...i dnt hv the mood to write for now...nothing much has happened....

im toying with the idea of hiring a male escort...n dnt worry sayang if that ever happens il make sure ul hv one female escort for u too...just for fun...to c hw it is like being with someone purely for the physical attraction..what it is like to take things as they are on the surface...n then i cn exchange notes with my boyfren...wondering together what we hv learned from it..hw much do u think it'll cost me to hire johnny depp as my escort?

last nite's debate was fun....we shld hv more of that...it is more entertaining than impak maksima..

my fren Cik Siti once told me life is like a fart...i cnt agree more...u can feel it coming but the outcome of it is still uncertain......


i wrote this back in 2005, feb 3rd to be exact

Doggy Style

i left the rottweiler panting for more...
i left him in a cage full of regrets,
he howls,
as he shouts,
for me he calls out,
my mercy he begs,
on all fours with humility,
as i the holder of his liberty,
preserve his submission,
in the dim-lighted alleys of my heart.

to-yo-go

last nite i watched the last king of Scotland on dvd...it was mostly fictional bt it also showed some historical accounts that took place during the authoritative leadership of Idi Amin Dada..what i love abt these movies which were partly historical n partly fictional was mainly because i am one of those people who hv very little knoledge on world history n the political scene 'waima' in their homeland as well as the entire world...what i knw cld only be a mere 5% of what is there to knw...im not much of a reader as i am one of those pathetic beings who prefer watching the movie instead of reading it..malas...haha..i hv to say forrest whitaker was excellent as idi amin..it is as if watching the man in action himself 30 yrs after his deposition...i am unsure whether the factual parts in the movie were accurate,bt what i cn deduce after watching it is i think i understand why powerful people resort to such violence and brutality as despotic rulers...i think it is because of having a constant fear that with all that great power they possess, many people wld rather see them dead than ruling the country...perhaps in a certain way,these so called autocratic leaders really do want to bring forth a positive change for their country n all countrymen...maybe they really do want to provide a better place for their people to live in...i guess the love they have for their people is what drove them to practice extreme measures in order to get things,well in order of course...communism and all its other forms such as marxism,stalinism, maoism,trotskyism and all the other 'isms u cn find in its fundamental form i believe is to serve what is right n what is fair to all...some sources suggested that idi amin suffered from hypomania, a form of manic depression which is characterised by irrational behaviour and emotional outbursts...in the movie, one can't help bt adore his good nature, dry humour n a love for life n family(a very large one too).bt his personality switches so fast n he becomes this sweaty,scary n pitiless brute ..probably all of the famous autocratic leaders suffer from hypomania...n severe paranoia...amidst their strive for political,social n economical success, their are shadowed by a constant fear n realization that their position as leaders n also as a living person may be short lived..so their solution is to eliminate any possible threat n competition...yang tertanya2 adalah,adakah ketakutan mereka utk mati atau pergi dlm paksa kerana mereka takut impian utk membawa kebahagiaan dan kesenangan kpd rakyat akan tergendala,atau kerana their thirts for immortality was unfulfilled..

peliknya di malaysia,rakyat kite bukan la penuntut communism,socialism,capitalism or democracy..tp more of mahathirism,anwarism,nik azizism,najibism,badawiism,ku-Liism dn ramai lagi...we lean towards the person rather than what do we really want for our own self...to this date i try and want to remain apolitical...n i am far from being a political observer...i went to register myself as a voter 2 weeks ago...4 months after the actual general election...what i want is for my country to be a strong nation,economically,socially,politically n technologically (?)...i want my country to remain as colourful n muhibbah n harmonious...i want my country to have rakyats who are happy n gay...who wld embrace eachothers differences and fight together for peace n perhaps for a cleaner country..(oh,one can only hope)...tp some may argue that being apolitical is selfish n u are not contributing as a rakyat...i am a useless rakyat,just sitting on a fence,trying to see the grass on which side is greener...well all i cn see is dat the grass on both sides have weed problems,lalang2 tumbuh dgn tinggi,ade some bald patches and some dry patches...saya suke duduk atas pagar..angin sepoi2 yg mendayu-dayu makes me feel like im floating on bubbles....

man this post is too serious for me...i shld stick to mencerita abt what i ate n the consistency of my daily morning berak episodes n of course syok sendiri pictures of myself..

bhajue

nk tulis ape hari ini? i slept at 5.30 am n woke up at 9.30..smue gara2 nk kluar berdeghat dgn pakwe aku...i contemplated on what to wear,n what i chose added 7 yrs to my age..headed to his hse where his mum made lunch which proceeded to the start of my episode with chocolate today..we had chocolate fondue on his balcony..it was breezy,noisy n dusty..sesuai dgn fondue itu..my love affair with chocolate is intense,eternal n a gratification of all sorts..

we went to bijou bazaar afterwards..it was hot,stuffy n as always,like bees to honey,like flies to sampah, girls flock to clothes bazaars as if mcm ape yg saya describe sebelumnye..n of course where there are a hot girls a-flocking, men with indescribable eagerness are always nearby..n i was rm 40 poorer.

lepas tu kan kite tk tau nk buat ape..tell me what else is there to do n where else is there to go in KL on a weekend..segala pelosok gedung dan pusat membeli dan membelah have been scaled n it is always d same...aimless wandering,aimless gazing, aimless whining,n aimless spending on mahal mcm puaka anak haram parking..so tetibe we decided to go somewhere we haven't been to in ages...central market n petaling street..sebelum ni saya tk pnah lg pegi tgk the newly refurbished CM n ive only been to PS once...CM was,cold.aircon wise n a bit n atmosphere wise..it was a blessing frm the sweltering heat outside..bt as always,commercialism n the effects of tourism,the barangs there were overpriced..i hope,becoz of that,pembuat brg2 tu kaya raya lah...sebab saya tk cukup kaya pon nk beli...PS was,...as it was the last time i went..probably more organized...interesting,it was organized chaos in PS..n only in a proud muhibbah country such as msia wld u walk by a chinese n an indian peddler argue in cantonese...n not too long ago i was at the mamak near the annexe,or restoran mamak annexe n what i observed cld probably be a great (k.o.non) muhibbah movie made by yasmin ahmad n starring sharifah amani..there were a few tables with young adults or teenagers that are clearly (hopefully)in love with the arts..there were a few tables that had men not more than 45 y.o wearing leather jackets n rough jeans ala A.Galak n the whole gerak khas team going undercover..there were a few singletons pretending to only care abt the food infront of them...n there was a table with 6 or 7 ppl who were so engaged n engrossed in their borak sessions...bt it ws not the usual perborakkan where their buahahahahbuahah reverberates the whole building..it was quiet tp penuh semangat..ni sebab group itu adalah group yg ckp gune sign language...walaubagaimanapun, saya rase,smue table2 dan org2 yg duduk kat table ni smue tgh ckp pasal cite yg lebih kurang same..pasal kesempitan kewangan dan taraf hidup brought by the current inflation n looming recession...pasal kenaikkan harga minyak...pasal bola..pasal keluarga..pasal awek..pasal pakwe...pasal mak bapak tk memahami..pasal laki atau bini masing2 yg tk memahami..pasal kerajaan yg mcm sial...pasal parti pembangkang mcm sial...pasal kisah cinta artis tempatan...pasal menyelak tepi kain org lain...pasal kerja..pasal tknk keja..pasal cari kerja...pasal nk jual bende tk elok..pasal nk beli bende tk elok..pasal nk jadi manusia..pasal dh tknk hidup lagi sbg manusia..dan bermacam2 pasal lg...saya tertarik dgn kumpulan itu yg berckp menggunakan tangan mereka..aksi mereka..kerutan di dahi mereka...senyuman yg merekah di bibir mereka...the way their eyes danced as they gaily signed away...if i were to make a movie,it wld be abt the experience i had n what most others too that takes place dkt kedai mamak...n it will be called buih...mcm buih teh tarik tuh...mcm itulah buih yg ade di mulut org2 ni smue yg berborak sakan kt kedai mamak...mcm itulah buih that people need to cleanse their sins..mcm itulah buih yg boleh bwk kite ke alam fantasi,either floating in the air or bobbing on water..mcm itulah buih yg boleh membawa maut...

so dont burst my bubble

ginger ale

nutrition is what is said on the bottle,
is it fact or fiction or what keeps us fuzzy,
it is almost 3 in the morning,
n i am kept awake by useless n detrimental thoughts,
i see you the way i want to,
i feel you the way it is meant to,
i smell you the way my armpit smells,
strong,pungent and distinct.

fascinations with myself

since sometimes i am just drained of things to write abt here,i am going to post some old stuff i wrote a few yrs back when i use to blog bersepah2..ade kat diaryland,ade kt myspace n of course any inch inch of a piece of paper that i cn conteng my thots on..probably what i wld do is make a chronology of the phases i went thru before n after i entered my 20s..pendek kate i wld like to quote my own words..hahaah hw much more self-absorbed cn a person be..meet, me!

how i feel about = pasar malam (June 2005)

Purchasing power is never underrated or restricted when it comes to night markets. Why life predicaments and imperative choices can’t be displayed and sold like the bargains u find at night markets. Not only are they pretty and at best imitate the real things. It is sold at dirt cheap prices, yet u can still haggle for a price close to nothing. Ur free to choose, to look, to inquire, to touch it, to feel it, to smell it, to taste it, to examine it, to ponder about it, and to compare with the other offerings or options, before deciding, before buying, before owning, before being responsible for the bargain and of course, before exposing oneself from future risks and possible outcomes


this was when i was on the verge of treading dangerously on unchartered waters, a poem called=

UnCanny Ong (March 2005)

let all this just be a fixation of self refute,
nothing more,a lot more less,
lest this will be an unbridled affair,
of such repugnant pleasure,
and what shall be left?
the bitch held captive,
kept silent,
the damned bitch,
and her foolish sacrifices.
the bones have been dug out,
none gained,many lost
could the dog trap spell out freedom,
would begging be actual solace,
nothing,
nothing,
but uncanny events,this has been.


about me (September 2004)

i love my home...i love my house and how homely it feels....it is where i grew up and it is where many events transpired that has made life become a challenge to be dealt with.but it is at home where i feel most happiest and still most sad.....i have been furnished with all the worldly and unworldly knowledge that is needed...my heart and soul nourished with wholesome goodness of parental and spiritual guidance since young.....
however from my own doings i have fallen prey to imprudent decisions and erroneous paths. this i pay tribute to my foolish self and not from the faults of others.as compensation, my contented external manifestation eclipses the guilty conscience of my heart.
whenever i am home, i feel young and exhuberant...i will forever be young when im at home..... never will i age a day older than 8.at times i do need this sort of escapism....but mostly i yearn equal value,understanding and matured respect.....as if i know what that is.....but who and what i am within and beyond the house are completely different.among those non-related individuals i am taken seriously of.my views and my voice are heard....i feel big,almost able to conquer anything....at home i feel of little significance.....


UIA=IIUM=The Garden on Knowledge n Virtue (April 2004)

no matter what ppl may say bout this place,i am going to miss walking down the corridors,climbing the uneven steps to class,passing the cafeteria n have me drool over the ayam goreng kunyit,terrorizing the over productive cats,n looking up at the moon on breezy nites....the moon has never looked bigger when i am here........mostly im gonna miss what's outside this place......this place may be confining for some.....but it has been my chance of freedom, to have experienced many new things,go to places ive never been,strucked by intensified emotions brought upon events so unimaginable, prior to this place...but that is only a small part in the second chapter of my life.......panjang lagi ceriternye......and that i am certain.....


about exposing myself=the graceful swine (April 2004)

i have no idea why im writing this.....all this thinking n typing is making me more hungry......out of complete boredom i should do something to occupy my mind......writing my thoughts down on paper will just make my hands tire n hurt,talking it out to myself may eventually raise suspicion among ppl around me....so i figured.....what the hell


L.O.V.E (June 2005)

The day came and went. When anticipation and longings overpowers logic, the gut churns and u’ll feel nauseated.


well,what cn i say...

K

today saya nk cerita pasal kawan saya sorang by the name of kaye or k or kay or Q or P or whichever alphabet he feels he wants to be called as...but for the past 5 yrs it has always been kaye to me..if u hv to knw,his actual name does not even hv a single K in it...ive known this bloke for 5 yrs nw...it started back in the day when petrol was still less than RM2...i cnt really remember hw we became frens,bt we were doing our matriculation in PJ..i guess that year was an awkward moment for many....having to make new friends,adapting to the campus environment n of course learning arabic...n for us,the so called budding architects (or so we thot) getting used to not sleeping for a few days....kemalangan2 kecil pon tk lupe juge...i like to impart one good advice..if possible,do not handle any sharp objects or tools such as a cutter late at nite when u hv been awake for more than 36 hrs...the outcome might not be so favourable..



a typical day with kaye wld never be void of this

a typical day with me will NEVER be void of this

shot in the act

my flaring nostrils








anyway,i dh tersasar jauh plak...kaye is a very caring,lovable,approachable n sweet....he can really push ur buttons sometimes bt because of him,i learnt that u shld never judge a book by its cover,n that u shld always give people a chance, not to prove their worth, bt to prove hw u or in this case me,the ability n the freedom to be whatever u or i choose to be..n how we intend to live our lives without the interruptions of social conventions...being frends must not be abt conforming ourselves to specific conventions,n neither shld it be conditional...oh, kaye also taught me a lot abt keeping ones vanity in check..heheh..

d pictures were taken during a lunch date a few days ago..we cldnt help bt to be camwhores for the day...hw can we not be when kaye has already lugged around a heavy camera n pavillion is a great place for camwhores such as us...

go green

i am one of those fussy graduates u read abt in the news..n i make up a part of the statistic that shows hw many unemployed graduates there are currently...i do not reject any offers,simply because i havent gotten any..oh probly one,hehhe coz i dnt think being a gundik wld look impressive in my resume,unless i was living when imperial dynasties still reigned..i am fussy because i am looking towards somewhere that might not even give a hoot at my resume n moving far away from opportunities that i was supposed to consider initially...i hv my reservations for not going for the latter...i am fussy because i desire certain things....i am fussy because i want a better quality of life/living...or maybe i am just fussy because i am actually unsure of my capacity, my ability and my crippling confidence..it doesnt help that my so called decision concerning my career looks rather bleak?? i hate it if things are not progressing as i hoped,n i hv to bite the bullet,swallow my pride, where red underpants over my pants, and resort to do whatever i was supposed to be doing in the first place.... hermph,or maybe,i am not entirely fussy...just plain lazy n displaying the typical malaise attitude of blaming consequences instead of focusing on hw i cn make d situation favourable to my needs n i guess the entire universe..

i was watching a bit of oprah just nw n there was this dude whom i guess is a motivational speaker, suggesting that instead on focusing to amend our weaknesses,we shld focus on our strengths n hw to make it stronger....pendek kate la..so,what can i do if im good at eating...

calamansi

disclaimer: this would be a very jiwang post...readers are advised to prepare a bucket for future retching..






there we were,sitting in khadijah's kitchen,digesting our dinner..or probly still digesting our lunch n tea...having one of the most wonderful conversations ive had so far in my life..hw our parents used to scream at us for reasons of being a bit slow in long divisions..hw we are afraid of turning into our parents yet agreeing that the apple doesnt fall far from the tree..hw we hope n pray to be the best that we can...hw u love to taunt me with ur blunt n often dry sarcasm as it amuses u when i pout n appear pissed,when in actual fact i kind of enjoy our harmless banter...n of course hw we eventually ended up like this...

a few miles away from us, thousands of others gathered to prove a man's innocence..millions more are in distress just trying to live by within the means they hv to unwillingly accept.some believe that the end is looming ahead of us sooner than we expect...yet, the conversation we had made the unknown n the fragility that life actually is seem, a lot less dreary..

there is a song that i love which basically cld sum up what this is.

"and if u dnt mind can u tell me all ur hopes n fears,
and everything that u believe in,
would u make a difference in the world,
i love for u to take me to a deeper conversation,
only u can make me.......feel.."

(deeper conversation-yuna)

when i am happy or i am writing abt happy things or a certain someone i like to use the colour purple...purple is gay n purple reminds me of all the good things in life...ribena,rainbows,my little pony n frens,barney,mcdonalds,watsons, n the list goes on..n did i mention it is my favourite?

i loves you

sempurna

i fucked up

everything comes back to u in full circle...n sometimes we forget that...well i did..i guess i am not much different than the righteous arse that i described earlier...we are all arses in some point of our lives..n everything comes back to u in full circle...for me,it had hit me rite flat on the already flat jawa nose much sooner than expected..


sorry

4th of July

i find it very amusing when those who 'subtly' parade their humility and righteous conscience actually commits the very sin they work hard to avoid...i admit i am not the best person around,in every sense of the word bt from where i am sitting, u hv indeed placed urself so high up on ur sanctimonious pedestal...hebatnye..

i rubbed to much ameltz yoko yoko ono on the back of my neck n shoulders n now it burns...

speaking of which,this reminds me of a tv advert i saw quite recently n hw kelakar gile it was...simply because it basically was abt a young women who felt she needed to break free from her sheltered n monotonous life..she felt that she cldnt connect with her aging asian parents...so she ran away...pastu she realized hw sepi she was n how she have wrongly caused so much pain to her parents for leaving them..dier pon balik umah....she sed in the advert that at the end of the day we r all d same n everyone faces the same problems and the occasional bouts of loneliness. pastu dier balik umah n bot her mother a new stove...so the whole advert was abt a stove..yg state of d art takyah pancis api punye aku tk tau name dier ape....coz she remembered her mother accidentally burning d tip of her finger when she lighted d old stove..so that was the cause for this young lady's pain n loneliness....so the solution to all forms of sadness n depression is an expensive stove...yg aku rase mak dier tk suke pon...cn u tell me any 65 yr old women who is savvy with high tech home appliances....haa tk makan ah ko pompuan....

n this quite elaborate description of a tv commercial was triggered by a neck burn thanx to the yoko..oh n yoko ono is a different level of pain all together...

i am me

as opposed to a previous post where i vehemently said i wld refrain myself from posting pictures for a while, i am also very fickle...so with regards to the title, i did a picture collage that showcases....well me...n the people that makes it all worth while......sorry if some of the pictures are very small....i jst cdnt care less..or partly becoz i am just clueless.... n sorry if u r not in it....i dont like taking pictures....i only like to be in it...heheh..


the educator,the loser, the engineer




the young n the restless

che'nelle says it best


my little riot


the unconditional


very smart people captured in one photo..2 of which r my fave


when in rome,do as the romans


who'sville





multi-faceted





WRF 1508




full-time posers, part-time students


twenty-3


once a year indulgence



when n where it all began



my american boy


when life was a lot simpler..6 yrs ago


u give me that fresh feeling


winning 2nd


1997


thirteen


a very windy saturday


a before


an after


2 hotties + 1 fatty= 3 org berpersonaliti tinggi

BFFs sans the b.f (both bitch fit n boyfrends)


i am usually the odd one

the guy in checks...our uhu glu..part time hero as well


we goss,we eat,we whine,we suffer, n we enjoy all that student life has to offer


elated n elevated....interesting professionals we'd make


the flowers just don't do her justice..she even smells nicer..

thank you....

what people do

a rainy day really doesnt help my lack of motivation to bathe..i believe we shld always consider the implications of our actions thus bathing too much in a day might not be so good to mother earth...i guess considering the hard situation we are facing rite nw, it is a good thing that im doing here n probably people shld adopt my habits..heheh...no no,dont get me wrong, i do bathe n i actually enjoy it...bt just like any other routine or chore, starting it is the hardest...in this case having to undress, step into the shower, soaping up,washing it down, toweling urself dry, thinking abt what to wear, deciding what clothes to pick out,dressing urself,if u have a facial regime, doing that as well,doesnt it sound tedious?hahaha...i think i just described everything abt bathing or showering or any self-cleaning activity...in that sense i am not my father's daughter...daddy bathes 5 times a day....

i went to catch sepi yesterday..poor the boyfrend...bt i felt it wasnt as good as i assumed it wld be..i thot cinta was better...sepi was, was sepi..it was empty....well it is not as bad as the other really bad malay films but,it was just laden with elements of pure and raw corny-ness..hahaha....i wld like to list down some important morals u cn learn from sepi.

1. paper flyers that ppl put on ur windscreen can cause serious accidents
2. sepi showcased the ugly truth abt how bad our national cars are manufactured,i;e the seatbelt malfunction in a proton perdana which led to a milf's untimely death of an after-hit n an explosion
3. a shoe designer or shoe maker in msia makes tons of money n can bag a hot wife
4. a shoe designer or shoe maker in msia again can be very successful n can spend his days n night running his misery away,besides ignoring the responsibility of caring for his only child with the dead milf..
5. never try to be heroic...if u see a brawl taking place,just call the police, describing the place,n possibly a description of the brawlers. if u cld ascertain that the situation is controlled, round up a large number of ppl,preferably big burly man, armed with baseball bats or umbrellas or other available things u cld use to hit a person n beat the baddies into a pulp until the police arrives...but i think the best way is to keep ur distance and get help..FAST
6. do not chase people unless u are jason bourne...full stop.
7.a fishmonger in msia lives in a nice hse with nice expensive furniture...the fishmonger brings back wads of cash so the wife can do nothing bt spends her days in a park n play or stare at other people's children...freakishly...altho he can afford all that, he still has trbl paying for the lorry he rents to make deliveries...

ok..i cn only come up with 7 for nw...anyone wld like to add to that list..?.u see, i am pro-msian films..i try my very best to watch n appreciate what msians can offer...bt more often than not i get quite disappointed...n that is after i have really lowered my level of expectations..i actually believe that our tv dramas have more depth, logic and substance...i think khabir bhatia has a syamalan syndrome. m.night syamalan was utter brilliance when he gave us the sixth sense...what came after that,...i dare not say....one hit wonder perhaps? bt i always say its better to have one hit than never having any....at least u wld be remembered for something great even if its just one thing..rather than not being remembered at all...billy ray cyrus had achy breaky heart...and bill clinton had lewinsky..or was it she instead...hhmmmm