garden of knowledge and virtue

1.graduation robe-check
2.graduation hood-check
3.graduation mortar board-check
4.convocation baju, shoes, tudung and what not-check
5.unexcited, couldnt care less feeling abt tomorrow's convocation-check!

almost 4 months ago when i finished my last exam, and stormed out of the human freezer we call studio to de-frost or thaw ourselves, i was hit by a sudden burst of euphoria just imagining how my convocation day would be...how tomorrow would be to be exact...

but today, about 24 hours before i would go up on stage, walk in careful strides so not to fall on my cute behind, all that hype and excited feeling has been reduced to a pulp of blergh...when i think abt the traffic jam to enter uia, to the hassle of finding a parking spot, to lining up, to answer to ppl why i am still unemployed, to smile and pose for pictures, and to endure the weight n the heat from the bulky robe and stuffy headgear almost the whole day...kalau aku dpt special award maybe i might sound less bitter..hahah...people say that once ur already there, lining up n waitng for ur turn with ur frends, the atmosphere and all, i would feel the excitement again...i guess that is true...we'll just have to wait for the next post that comes after this one to knw how it went...perhaps with pictures to help illustrate...

all i want to do is curl up into a smelly, fury and lumpy ball in bed all day.....it would be nice if there was a tub of ice cream to accompany my sorry self...it may gv me a toothache and extra 'love handles' topped with acerbic guilt...

and to you, fuck you and fuck off!

the red square on my table

because the world is round, it turns me on,
because the wind is high, it blows my mind,
because the sky is blue, it makes me cry.

love is old, love is new,
love is all , love is you,

artificial intelligence

ahahaha..boleh tak i gelak guling2? IT has done it again..why do i categorize it as an IT..when truly it cld be a he or a she seeing as to how it is human...yes it is as human as you and i are..but i rather use it fearing someone cld point out who it is..haha...the it and i go way back...not to say we were friends or best buddies..but merely a close acquaintance...same age and pretty much we have the same things (wink)....except it had loads of talent...whereas i lacked a large amount of talent almost bordering to nothing..unless people wld accept that being able to locate your own booger on the bathroom floor swiftly is a certain kind of raw talent,well then....there is something wrong with u..hahah...ini adalah seperti evewhere i turn,i look, i listen, i breath(now dat is just pathetic of me) it is everywhere....albeit i am proud of it but i admit, there is a hint of jealousy (a hint?!) in me...probably derived from the disillusion i have of myself...apa yang kita kejar-kejarkan tak dapat,dan apa yg kite kendong terburai..i dont knw if that is correct..the problem with me is that how am i suppose to get what i kejarkan when my legs aren't doing all the chasing.and what have i been kendong-ing?just my lumpy rolls of fat je..so to you whom i call it, i would love to share your joy and happiness gained from all the achievements (or fame) and i have great respect for you....but just bear with my own flaws and insecurities that amounts to this jealous streak i have for you or anyone like you....i am, like you, only human........

dulu-dulu

i went to my very close frend's convocation yesterday in cyberjaya..a very sweltering hot cyberjaya...suprisingly we were quite disappointed with the lack of hot men for ogling purposes...hahah female horniness aside we were there to support amy on her day.. a day that is an affirmation to her 3 yrs of studying to become a financial engineer that she is now...and dont bother asking me what is financial engineering...heheh but i am proud of you girl..i realize that we are already young adults embarking on the vessel that brings us into the perilous adult life, yet when we meet we are still the giggly teenage girls we were and will always be...kelakar...dah la dulu sama2 suke boybands yang same...pakai braces...so u can imagine when we talked spit was flying everywhere...hahah...so amy, u graduate dulu, u keje dulu, u kawen dulu???


the lawyer(who secretly wants to be a tv journalist), the financial engineer, the quantity surveyor(who secretly wants to be so many other things)

khalisa, amy zurina and me







you must always have wind-in-hair-effect pictures


me and khalisa's convo will be on the 23rd and 24th of this month respectively...

and how I wish so badly this special someone could be there as well...tak pelah..dlm mimpi pon jadi lah..

pish

i regret for having u regretted...does that make any sense to you..it sure hell does to me..in its purest form...on how real the reality is...regret the regretted..hah..ambik ko suraya...

hey jude

the heat nowadays can really suck up all your energy and what ever is left that can be considered as exciting. i haven't been doing much lately accept standing in front of my oscillating stand-fan with my tongue a-wagging..

one of my last post was abt the death of my cat...you see, for abt the entire time that ive lived here, which is since i was 3, we've always had cats living in ur backyard... female cats seem to gravitate to our house instead of all the other houses on our street to breed...and breed..and breed..so for as long as i can remember we would always have a family of cats living on our grounds and all we did was feed them...n we feed them food scraps, leftovers, fish and chicken entrails and they ate whatever we ate...and all these glorious food would come flying out of our kitchen window above the kitchen sink....these sneaky cats know when it is their meal time...whenever they cld smell traces of blood from either d uncooked fish or chicken from the wastewater that pours into the drain, they would all anxiously and impatiently wait infront of the 'magic' window....they cld be miles away but the faint sound of the window latch being twisted would send them sprinting faster then u can say puss to get 'vip' access to the magical window...n then the cats got smarter...by trying to outsmart the other cats, one or 2 or even 3 of them would jump on to the sill of the magic window, and with their 'x-ray' eyes peer into the tinted windows at the feast which is waiting for them which is actually me siang-ing the ikans...and as years went by word got out to all the other neighbourhood cats including the snotty and posh persian pets started to hear about the magic window and they too started to frequently come to my hse...once they had a bite of the scraps that may consist of tulangs, nasik, roti, cake, donuts, biskots and what ever we ate, they just had to have more...it is like the saying once you go black, you will never go back (to whatever it was that they liked,i think)...so much of being epicureans of expensive luxurious cat foods..and just like human evolution, the cats started to wait infront of the magic window once they cld here the clicking sounds of our cutlery...as years went by the mother puss has given birth to many, many pussycats...i have spent years of terrorizing the young kittens, playing with the tweenies and coming to terms when they had to leave the nest as young adults to venture into the world of the limitless unkown and meet other cats and mate...but these cats are something....they cld be roaming the streets and doing whatever it is that they do elsewhere,BUT would conveniently come back to my house to eat and await the wonders that are kept behind the magic window...i have seen how the horny males jump on their sisters, daughters and mothers....i have seen kittens die a brutal death with their frail necks almost severed from the fangs of their fathers....i actually caused another kitten's death because it followed me and fell down from the 2nd floor balcony...i have seen how motherly and caring and nurturing mother cats are but they too suffer from post partum depression...i also witnessed sadly how one of the mother cat i call nanderk, the village 'bicycle' coming to terms that she is no more the primadona, instead her stunted tailed daughter was the one getting all the attention and becoming the person she herself never asked to be...that entire generation of cats have now ended as the last generation left us a few years ago....and then came the new mother cat....as usual she was desperate for a place to give birth to her litter...and she found solace in a crevice under an old stove oven we hv in our kitchen...and that was the start of all the chaos and mayhem we have to live with everyday for the last year and a half....for the last year and a half this mother cat has given birth 3 times and had a litter of 10 kittens...7 of which are staying here with us rite now...2 of which had died within 2 days of each other last week..one of which i named martha..martha stewert...martha died a day after i caught her brother trying to fuck her...a day after i could see the disappointment in her eyes and the upsetting cry she meowed out...she was found cold and stiff, cross-eyed and tongue a-wagging...she had gone thru the chain-linked fence many many times..she cld have been running away from something, or someone, or she cld have been careless...poor martha....the next day martha's younger sibling who was i'm guessing is a month old kitten died...i dnt knw why...couldve been undernourishment, or poisoned or chocolate or because of the feeling of displacement, or the young kitten had some genetic anomaly...i dono...but she died,sadly alone...like any other cat...apparently cats die alone...they will isolate themselves from others to die....the current mother cat drives my father up the wall because she is conceited, cunning and persistent...we dont let them in the house because they are dirty and dont want their shit-trodding paws come in contact with our furniture or food....she once sneaked into our kitchen with her young kitten n toppled over a bowl of thawing chicken onto the floor and ate it...that was our lunch....even with all the craziness we feel a deep sense of responsibility towards her....my father would buy extra food just for her and her brood...this new mother cat has a crooked tail....she has such a distinct personality...she knows what she wants....and she gets what she wants....she is one who is not affected by her feelings and can be seen as cold and distant at times but caring and nurturing and loving otherwise....she has this stern look in her eyes when her whims are not entertained....sometimes i interpret from her forlorn spaced out moments while her kids aggressively suckle on her tits how her life cldve been different for her...how she wished she cld run away from all this anguish of having to painstakingly care for her brood, and receive torment from humans such as us....i guess if i cld read her mind, she longs for the freedom that nature does not allow...and after that brief moment of contemplating her 9 lives, she licks the nook between the eyebrows of her child like any respecting mother would....i think i'll call her azizah...

oh n here is a picture of me with my niece helwa on my father's birthday lunch...and a picture of my father...and a picture of me....




the rather long write up abt my cats was typed in orange because martha had orange patches..