an old one

Who do u think ur fooling suraya..in the end ur only kidding urself..when will u realize that ur the sort of person that needs others to survive,to win,to live?let down ur oversized n overcompensated ego n just bite the bullet laced with guilt u call conscience.

Being a dreamer such as I has its perks but mostly its pitfalls… as much as u want to think that ur an independent person,u are undeniably dependent…face it suraya,like it or not, if u want how ur life to be as u imagined it would be,listen to them, listen to the bitter after taste of ur own reasoning…

GO!

Why am I so easily influenced by heart and emotions…

Am I asking too much?or am I setting the bar too low..

Why can’t I think for my ownself and not dwell on this.

Coz the more I think of it the more I’ll succumb to my destructive mind..

I hv a terrible posture which is affecting my back and shoulders..

Mcm nk pakai back brace ke or any sort of back support…

Some things are not for suited for an audience..

Maybe just one..itu pon I can already predict the response…

I always assume things..thats why im scared to freak just yet..

Kadang2 all this is in my kepala jek…I could actually make my own life a sad

And miserable one which is bad…bukan org lain yg hancurkan diri dan harapanku,

But my own flesh boiling thoughts..whatever that means la suraya..

I am so dependent on another human being…once it was my mother,

Now its him…wow gile beza…with different needs plak tuh…

I guess im just an emotional parasitic fern..if I was a plant la…I don’t just suck all the natural juices but its entirety just to feed my infinite thirst and hunger for love.

will u keep on bringing out the worst in me…

im hungry..im always hungry…am I filled with emptiness that needs to be constantly fed with notions of hope and happiness…tp makan indo me skang sedap gak..hhhmmm..

a creation

when u try ur best but u dont succeed, when u get wat u want but not wat u need,....

stuck in reveeeeerrse...

chris martin is a brilliant man for conjuring such simple words but is actually so true...haih..that's wat im feeling rite nw..well ive been feeling dat way for quite a while nw n probly even before that song was ever written...but the full force of its' meaning is agonizingly felt now..my mundane days of indulging myself in doing absolutely nothing, are accompanied by the feeling of rejection and obscurity..yes i knw i cld just be exaggerating d whole thing..you might be thinking, what sort of hell can a person (me) go thru if she's just sitting on her fat-cottage cheese bum all day...the depressing rain and scarry as shit thunder/lightning is not helping the sombre mood either...

a person with insecurities and self esteem issues like myself would love to n conveniently point fingers and push d blame towards others for her own faults n flaws...and leave myself to wallow n drown in my own moat of self pity..but deep,deep deep deep down in my heart and at one tiny corner of my mind, i have no one else to blame bt indeed myself..but its nice y'knw...putting d blame on others..its more convenient...its just im depriving myself from the sweet scent of liberation.....and i can plainly say dat its just the case of being in denial..hahahha....

does being obedient and responsible has to come with sacrifices...a dimwit i am...it seems a self less act cn be rewarding, bt how about selfless acts that comes with a little grunting muttered under ones breath? can that still be considered selfless.....

i call that real life.............

p.s...this emo post was actually a recap of hw i felt earlier today...im now back to being ....happy? hopeful is a better word i guess....

..........would u consider engaging in a deep conversation with me?..............hahahah poyo..

the number 4

according to my last post,i should be religiously updating my blog...tp at best i cn say im so malas rite now...altho there is nothing much for me to do but wait.....agonizingly wait...

wait for some poor company or organization to hire me as a mediocre,unequipped,inexperienced, introverted and lazy as a sloth employee....yes i am done with my studies....finally...alhamdulillah...however i hv yet to knw hw did i fair for my thesis....that shld'nt take long tho..probably in 3 weeks perhaps...then the whole cuak-ness would take place again...i hv sent a few applications, actually went to my first ever job interview...i suppose that might hv not gone well since my gmail is flooded with nothing but facebook updates...so yeah...thus explaining the waiting game i guess most fresh grads hv to go thru as a part of entering adulthood...to my frens who've started working...good for u...n dont worry,i would gladly find u from any corner of d world n demand for a nice plate of succulent steak....is wagyu ok?....
kinda worried tho...hv to find work before june ends and july starts....i hv certain commitments that need to be taken care of....n my boyfren deserves a smashingly cool present fr his bday in august....

on a lighter note n speaking of the boyfrend, we had a picnic date today at frim...our first ever actually....i woke up late n for dat u hv every rite to be mad, bt being d sweetest i cld get away with murder with u...heheh....lmbt2 bangun pon i managed to make sandwchs n scrambled eggs wit sausages....hw did d day end? wonderful as always..(it's 9 in the afternoon, n ur eyes r d size of d moon).not to mention probly 5 pounds heavier as a result of all the eating we did in less than 2 hrs a part of eachother...heheh...

its 4.16am rite nw...y am i not asleep..?cld i be an insomniac or is dis probly a symptom of having adult ADD?...what i knw is dat now that i am really,realy free,ive never felt so overburdened with the feeling of being trapped in my own cage of uncertainties...n becoz its 4 am n i am still awake,what i just sed did not make any sense at all....

1. i want my smexy omega supreme
2. i want a high-paying salary job that requires me do nothing bt daydream n layan imaginasiku
3. n with that high-paying salary job i want to buy things that i need of course and greedily want
4. n i need to finally stop tolerating my incessant wants and rants...