wawa-wewa

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers,
belongs now, to the baby down the hall

wow!!!! the first ever picture and its one with frothy waves and a dahan pokok jutting out from the shore...its just a test run..but i do think its a nice pic.......impartial? hahah...nothing narcisistic yet..dont want to scare others.....i am actually queen of camwhores...well getting there actually....
atleast now i know i can post more!!!!...lets see what i can find to put up....

today my favourite niece came over....wow u must think of me as a bad aunt....but then again she is my only niece...for now la...no nephews.....1 anak sedare....maybe ill just say she is my favourite little person....my favourite and most loved less-than-3 ft person.....unfortunately i dont have a picture of her yet i can post...but i tell you she's my little riot......i love her coz she mimics everything i do...i love her coz her face just beams and her hyperactiveness goes on hyper-drive when i see her....i love her coz she is really smart.....i love her coz she thinks she' is an adult and is fascinated with breasts and wonders y she doesnt have anything alien protruding from her chest..yet...i love her when she tells me stories complete with hand gestures and interludes of singing and dancing....she is very animated.....and i love her coz she is hairy like me...heheh..i guess she loves me too.....she better....im her coolest aunt....whether she wants to believe it or not........i love u,u love me we r a happy family, with a great big hug n kiss from me to u, wont u say u love me too......i dedicate that to helwa....my precious little riot niece....

Autobots roll out!!!

TRASFORMERS ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!!!!

Ok, although I wasn’t a fan, well I am definitely one now…I was too young to remember the cartoons dulu2….n I was into captain planet, and stuff…old school cartoons that I loved were only thundercats, jem n the holograms, spiderman, batman, carebears n the smurfs? kot…….well yesterday, initially we were suppose to watch alone (thai horror flick) but macam terpanggil to catch transformers…and so we did..along with a lot of other people taking a veeery looong lunch break and solat break…yearp so a lot of ppl skipping work to catch it…..watching it alone to avoid suspicion…..hahahah…..the cinema was packed……and a poor couple must have gone out of their wits to find a babysitter for their 3 very young kids that they had to, regretfully bring them along…..half way thru the movie, their young baby must have gotten really scared looking at cars turning to robots…dahlah dok seat depan skali…she must have felt she could get trampled during the chaotic scenes……but I didn’t find the howling baby annoying……..in fact there were 2 middle eastern foreigners behind us who were the noisiest…n annoying….but all and all,,,…..i am now wishing, secretely hoping…..that my car would turn into bumblebee or jazz…(my little paedo)….i think autobots make better friends, pets, family?....cartoons back then and comics don’t just provide us with shear entertainment…but they also had underlying moral values and social issues that suffice to say could actually nurture us folks to become better human beings…….

I went through my old emails last nite….first few actually….from 2001 up till now...altho I only read the received mails, (I kinda deleted all my sent items) I pretty much could see the stages of my transition to adulthood…haha..adult tak adult sangat la…highschool stuff as usual were mostly about boys..ocassionally there was some mention about studies…..(very little tho) tapi memang mostly bout boys,current crushes, n boy issues, n of course ranting about how uncool and insensitive our parents were…n more about boys…..these emails were predominantly from my 2 best friends of course…there were some emails from far away family members n friends….those are one of the best……there were also heartfelt ones that has touched me in many ways and of course the effervescent and lovely words of cinta n angau from D sayang….and lastly the very rare ones that brought tidings of horrible disappointment n notions of disgust……in some small ways, a bit of how life is…

the foo

Hahah it seems like ive been posting here on a daily basis…sometimes twice in a day…..thus indicating and actually substantiating the fact that I actually have nothing else better to do……….

I was watching a bit of oprah just now….they were discussing abt how the current generation in america are very volatile and deteriorating because of the inability of parents to say no to them……..spoiling them rotten….even worse than soggy socks of the whole football team…..all because to compensate their absence…….they featured this family with the most brattiest and angry 9 yr old daughter…..there were videos of her screaming n yelling at her parents akin to Robert de niro (or was it al pacino?) in scar face?altho at times it seemed more like Linda blair in the excorcist….sumpah kalau anak aku mcm tu aku rebus……..hhahahah…pls, if there is anyone from social service reading this, don’t hold this post against me in the future…….i can agree to this after witnessing such atrocious children at supermarkets, toy stores and dental clinics……ade a little girl ni, she was rolling all over the kaki lima mcm nak masuk longkang and all the mother could muster was “sayang, jangan la macam ni, nanti jap lagi kite pegi beli kay” sheepishly…..i remember when I was younger, any misbehaviour would be accompanied by my mother’s cold stare….yet she can still maintain her composure and grace as a front when in public….n the icy stare wld be directed to us when there is a momentary eye contact….in that brief second I’ll know I’ll be getting the rest of it later at home….the old school of parenting believe discipline is the only way to bring up children…….children see parents esp fathers as authoritarians…….its a different kind of love they say….its there…its just hidden behind sweaty- frowning eyebrows and ever so ready raised bamboo canes…the current school of parenting is to be best friends with ur kids……getting into the groove of what’s hip……..

Nowadays the rotan is a rare commodity…..one day it might be featured on the history channel as a restraining tool…..a practice that had fallen with the demise of humility and respect in recent society……

our kids will have their fair share of smacks and hugs……..i’ll say more when that bridge is crossed…all we have to figure out now is how to make them……

Jojoba

Regrets…I swear I think every person has them…it could be from the tiniest speck to of gargantuan form….i and I guess a few others would agree of wanting to bend time a little and mend the things that lead to us regretting in the first place….but as we all know, bending or turning back time is just impossible…well at least for now…..the words I should have or I should not have keeps replaying in ur mind…what should be done is not to constantly moan about what has passed…..get over it silly…..pond about the cause which lead to said action….analyze and rationalize….sometimes the best thing to do is nothing….let time takes it course and do wonders like healing….but, at times, I think that letting time take charge of the healing is a safe way of dealing with things….or maybe at times a bit egotistical….too proud of saying sorry and admitting that ur wrong…a real honest apology that is………at least u owe that to them…those ive done wrong to…..

esp you….

‘the only resolution,

And the only joy,

is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes…..’(Spidey3 2007)

ali baba

It seems my high protein, very minimal carbo n apparently lack of fibre has started to take its toll….rite now ye shits have gotten pretty rock solid…?hahah I know I shldnt be revealing the going ons in my colon n bowel movements but just as a reminder=must eat more fibre…….which got me thinking n maybe persuading me to a conclusion that I might need to go on an oatmeal diet……..oatmeal for breakfast, lunch n dinner……drastic huh….i know…..i cant believe myself either….oatmeal n suraya just does not go together…..neither will anyone ever thot it to be in one sentence…..so today im gonna try my new diet plan…..ill just need to get some dried fruits, I:e apricots perhaps to spruce up the oats….

What is it with my fascination of dieting n losing weight….heck I think there is no blog post yg I tak pernah berckp ttg diet, kuruskan badan n my love-hate relationship with my ever so faithful fat “friends”….i guess it also has something to do with my need to reach a legible achievement……something that I did by myself, for myself and as a result bring goodness to myself…n others of course…thus posing as a proof that if I put my mind to it, anything is within my reach………and hopefully some results will appear soon by the time semester starts…….so this can b a form of motivation for me, and hopefully dapat la aku merasa grad dlm lingkungan 2^ndst class wld be fucking great……but that….wawawewa…needs a miracle.!!!! class upper……1

Speaking of which semester is starting in less than 2 weeks……..gosh I cant wait…..bumming around at home for 3 months can be quite monotonous….my bad jugakk….hari2 asek2 melopong depan tv…..stuffing my face n couch potato ass..bgn ikut suke ati datuk aku….mane tak productive…….every sem I tell myself both loudly n quietly, to study n concerntrate HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deeper & Harder should be my cogankata……..

I was watching oprah just nw n it got me realize, she is a damn good women la……..as a philantrophist, as a caring person…..mcm tak tau la kalau dier ikhlas ke ape,although I think she is, tapi wat she has done all these yrs with her wealth n the advantage of her fame n influence……byk org yg dah dier tolong…..aku sampai menangis2 tgk…….bodoh…kalau hari2 tgk air mata pon bole kering……n the issues highlighted, knowledge disseminated….whoah….aku takyah g skolah pon boleh tau byk kalau tgk…..if only all the other housewives around d world boleh tgk…..i mean.its a gud show n it’s a shame kalau kat msia ni kene ade astro…..so kalau those who don’t have it, cant afford it ke, takde signal ke,have to resort to watching soap dramas that don’t really teach u much except kisah2 keruntuhan moral masyarakat….3 things that hsewives shld watch…ceramah agama yg bagus,(Dr Fatma for eg) oprah, surviving motherhood, basically kalau kat astro channel 10(for oprah je) and 77, anak2 tgk channel, 50 sampai 54, 77 dan 11….nescaya hidup di dunia dan akhirat ok…..

PS- im a newfound satellite tv convert from normal terrestrial tv…..i had no qualms bout the latter….so pardon my enthusiasm….

shall we ‘cladle’ now, or shall we ‘cladle’ later…

dreams

I have been experiencing interesting dreams lately….the funny kind, scary kind, adventurous kind, the sad kind and everything else…….i guess with my imaginative nature, my dreams also can get very illustrious and lively….sometimes I cld be having 3 to 4 dreams per nite…sometimes correlated and sometimes totally different….therefore making it seem like im sitting (more like sleeping) through several movies a nite…last nite my dream had me gallivanting thru town, that seemed like sgpore n Barcelona with my bf’s dad..on a business related adventure…hahaha….at first mcm ok je….going to merger meetings, associating with suspicious powerful people,pastu tetibe dah sampai kat atas jambatan besar atas laut yg tetibe for no reason snapped and there was a terrible storm….thunderous and tumultuous….siap kilat sabung menyabung..waves were 300 ft high….ships and barges were being tossed about like floatable toys in a baby’s bathtub…..and I was hanging to dear life………thankfully it ended ever so abruptly after a short while…..everything was dandy again….n I went back home as if nothing happened….weird……..tapi mcm bes…….another dream I had a few days ago felt so real and vivid……I cried in the dream n i woke up suddenly feeling like I just cried….a lot…..that was a rather sad dream……and the sadness seeped into reality……

“I’ll stop the world and melt with you, you’ve seen the difference, and it’s getting better all the time”…………

Kenape aku suke memikirkan yang bukan-bukan…….meng-imagine-kan yang bukan-bukan……kadangkale ape yang aku fikirkan memakan diriku, memamah jiwaku, merosakkan akalku, menyakitkan ragaku.. namun aku tetap akan, dan masih membiarkan imajinasiku menular…adakah aku memang tiada life, terlalu pathetic sehingga aku terpaksa mengangan-angankan perkara yang tak mungkin berlaku…..adakah itu caranya aku mendapatkan affirmation yang aku akan jadi manusia yang ok……?ataupun adakah aku sub-consciously tidak selesa, tidak bersyukur dan tidak menyukai kehidupan aku sekarang? Namun, aku rasakan yang kehidupan sederhanaku ini is more than I could ask for…jadi, mengapakah aku masih blinded by the gilded life I presume to be perfect…..aku takut…risau…dan anxious…jikalau sikap aku ini akan menyebabkan kejatuhan aku…….di masa hadapan kelak…

wahai Kamu yang Satu, help me find my way, have me close….help me be at peace….and find what I need to, to feel your ever so sweet grace……

i like to go a wandering

I haven’t written anything in this thing for quite a while now…ever since I stopped working and with no internet at home the swine has been on a long sabbatical…somehow I managed to acquire a very decent 2^nd hand laptop…at a fraction of a price too..!!!just that I will be less of RM50 every month..bayar ansuran katakan….with benefits of course…considering I bought it from sayang….anyway…a lot has happened within this past few months….the birth and demise of close friends n family….weddings,get togethers’,illnesses,goals met,hopes crushed,new friends gained,old friends lost,childhood fears overcame,old-age paranoia starts to bite you in the derrier,ape lagi…macam2….but what still remains true and all the same?....my fats….they have very much made themselves comfortable under my skin….mcm taknak blah la plak kan…I actually went on those bogus pill kurus and miracle sachet drinks…konon 3kgs in 10 days…..at first ade la some results…but it was with numerous near-tercirit experiences….so after a few uncomfortable episodes I decided to stay off of it for a while…dah abis pon bende tuh..but I noticed it interfered with my menstrual cycle..my last period lasted up to 2 weeks….terkejut juge…..and the fats are still here not wanting to move a budge…..lazy buggers….but im the mother of all lazy buggers I suppose…. however I was really depressed last nite….my arms have become so flabby that I have fat pockets now under my armpits…it feels so uncomfortable….i have fat rolls everywhere…not to mention baguettes and croissants…heck im a walking bread n pastry deli….i know im not down right fat…n for that I am grateful….tapi when u feel like u cant even feel comfortable with ur own body n everything just bugs u,I feel like I must take action.. owh I have a question,if u rest ur laptop on ur stomach while ur lying down,will u risk frying ur ovaries and potential ovums? I actually thot I was clever thinking that it might burn the fat rolls kat perot aku….

I think ill stop here………

I miss you…so terribly sometimes………terrible most times…….sometimes I forget…n I hate myself when I do…forgetting u is my biggest fear…it only has been almost 5 yrs…..sometimes it feels long ago…sometimes it feels like it never happened……..what happened to us…….we were so close……..almost inseparable………we were like kidneys to eachother…haha…im the left one n ur the right one…we might be able to live with just one but having both next to eachother is much better…..makes u live longer and…function…better…makes u feel whole…we were like a single unit….sometimes when I lose myself and I think of you,the thots will make me stop n wonder,what did I do to deserve u……u don’t need a person like me……….unreliable……untrustworthy…….undeserving of ur love…….but I know that u do..unconditionally…yet I have done nothing……but all I know that my love for u is almost eternal….becoz there is only One eternal love…u kow that too of course……u are surrounded with that eternal love I long to be a part of……..sometimes I have people asking me how close were we….sometimes I feel that they should have a repugnant beef jerky shoved into their mouths for saying that……I guess they were just curious,or lost of ideas for a conversation……….i don’t blame them I suppose…….very few share what we have……….very few can understand how its like……I don’t expect many too…….its a life experience we all need to go through ourselves….i love you…I know I use to say that a lot….but I miss saying it to u…..relentlessly…..i never get tired of saying it…neither do u ever get bored of hearing it……..i love u….

And you……well done my dear…..thank u will never be enuff….thank u for bringing out the best in me…..thank u for being the best….n also trying to be the best,….