A graceful swine

2012

2012-01-25T03:43:00.000-08:00

2012....

Perhaps this is the last year for mankind's existence? I hope not, i do wish to move into our new house next year after all that we've been through getting it...and i do hope to fit into a size 4, plus a couple of babies and the headache of figuring out that we're broke after having those couple of babies and moving into a new house..oh and i also would like to be able to finally bake something that is worth mentioning..after a few failed attempts yesterday, consecutively mind you, i wish to conclude that not all recipes are full proof....hahahah.....yes i blame the recipe and not my ineptness....

i believe this is a start..me resuming back to the world of endless rantings....hoping to find something that has been missing for a while....orang kate, if we love something dearly, it will return to u eventually albeit slightly tattered...

Blink

2011-07-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Its almost a year since i've last written anything here..Dah bersawang laman sesawang saya...

This used to be an outlet for me to vent out any outburst or share the delightful accounts of my mundane day to day life...but i guess complacency has taken over the best of me....when in actual fact i feel like im bursting at the seams (quite literally nowadays) with all that pent up anger and at times excitement to share...yes no doubt i do have someone i can share everything with ( I LAPS YOU BABY!!), this blog was like the echo to my thoughts...when u write the things u mean to say or do, even though half of them do not materialize it does in a bit come to life in the flow of words that are typed here...

and if u can't already notice once you've reached the third sentence, things have become rusty....writing i mean....i've been used to writing letters, emails, faxes and reports for work that it is difficult to control myself from saying " Referring to the above and our previous meeting, kindly find attached the above tabulation for your perusal and onward action"...." your prompt response is highly appreciated....."""" aaaaaarrrrghhhh....i need a creative outlet....not that im saying i was blardy creative and artistically sound before.....hey in my world i was frikkin piccasso ok!!! suke hati aku lah....

i got yelled at a meeting today.maybe yell is an exaggeration ...heheh....i was told if i can't do an estimate in half an hour i am not a good QS.....surprisingly i was not defensive heck i didnt even blink, nor fidget or felt like my blood was boiling and i was about to hurl out profanity at that person..instead i felt calm and rather amused.....coz i find what he said was TRUE.....i am NOT a good QS....at times i dont know what i am doing...but in my defense, trying to be a good QS does not necessarily mean u can do an estimate in 30 minutes, but its about being able to give an almost precise figure that is comprehensive and a good reflection of the intention or Work in question....although i am taking 1 week to do that...hahahahaha.....hey the last drawing received yesterday kot! ok stop it right there...why do i have to pollute this space with work....so i am not a good QS.....is there a legitimate profession for an awesome blow job expert?

i am fat...i've packed on almost 10kgs in this past year...countless times i've been asked about my "pregnancy" and "due date"...countless times i've repeated that i am not pregnant hence no due date....and the best remark that comes after is...oh u are so fat now...thank you...u have just given me more reason to be fatter in order to live up to your expectation and definition of fat....

"jesus is my virtue, and judas is the demon i cling to"

Thank You and Regards,

The Graceful Swine

(that has yet to be defeated by an angry bird)

I'M BAAAACCKKK!!!!!!!!

one year later

2010-08-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

My last post is almost a year ago....it's dusty and filthy and oh so insignificant....the graceful swine that is....if u guys had guess correctly, the last post was about the new arrival of my MyVi....the first of many more financial commitments to come....and a year later my beloved "bullet of a pedophile" got stolen....may he rest in piece and may the robber rot in his own piss...Astagha...

NOthing much has changed for the past one year..i am still working at the same place....not much progress there either....i still do have weird and borderline psychotic imagery how that place can be destroyed to ruins yet all of the staff are miraculously safe....just so i can run away from the responsibility of having to be right 110% of the time...(when i can only manage to score a 45)....

I realise now that what i use to believe is right only appears so on the surface....what is underneath....gosh darn it...i smack my head in disbelief.....that is just shear folly on my side....

oh by the way....i got married to him 3 months ago....and life has been pretty much the same and exactly how i imagined it would be for all this while only its better....real life experience have actually superseded my insatiable imagination for the impossible....

...30 May 2010....beat that you nay sayers....hahahah...

i still slap myself for assurance and where modestly to bed in case JAIS walks in on us because i still cannot believe that we are married....

I wouldn't say it was easy....we had about less than 2 months to prepare and get our shit together.....and not forgetting the endless weddings of ours.....kitorang kawen bukan wedding of the year...instead its weddings for the whole year....as i look back on that less-than-2-months period of non-stop choosing the right lace, the right made-up face to go with the lace, the food to stuff our face, the simple decorations to save my "water-face", the un-explainable hormonal ridden tear-jerking moments at mamaks and supermarkets.....the "bride-zilla" who ate me.................................................................it was all worth it....coz at the end of the day now...it is me who you are with, and it is you who i will respect, care and honour...sampai ke syurga kot!!!

favourite activity...hands down.....nyeheheh

And hopefully InsyaAllah, regardless of whatever good or bad that comes our way, I hope, pray and damn well work my ass off for us to be good.........

ok till next year........

pustaka langit

2009-09-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

it's here,it's weird,it's a feeling that needs to be adjusted....

like every other thing in life,go with the flow and take it like a man..n don't forget to bring your balls with you..even if they are just pretend balls....

Circus

2009-08-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

point no. 1) Is it particularly wrong to feel something so intensely amazing, when others might not jive the same way...or probably i am too animated for my own good....

point no. 2) Freakishly, it happened...can't really remember the details how it did when it did but it did happen...that alone and throw in how frequently although quite sparsely these accounts come about is enough to make me wonder,maybe i am partly fantastic...in ways no one would ever want to be..

point no. 3) buka-ed in the dark today because of a black out that lasted about 6 hours...such a wuss and pussy i am coz can't stop whining abt the lack of entertainment...pastu amazed at how this is the condition for some back then and even more so now....

point no. 4) is it possible to want something so badly that u lose track on the why's rather than the how's along the way....

does fasting become null and void if u swallow fossilized food scraps between ur teeth?or mint flavoured spit..

Anakku

2009-08-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

I am having a baby.....care to help me pick out names anyone? oh it's a boy by the way..

Is life

2009-08-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

i find it funny,as how certain turn of events cause me to wake up in the middle of the night in sweat, "did I or didnt I?" "am I, or am I not"....it's a saturday, am i late for training or work or is this one of the lucky saturdays where i can just stay home and fatten myself up...

speaking of recent turn of events, things are looking quite interesting in some areas and rather bleak and harrowing for others...either it's abt the public caning , death inquest, 1Malaysia, preposterous divorce settlements, hurricanes, typhoons, open burning, human genocide in Uighur and the Flu.....i only read the headlines in the daily papers....plus the night sweats, no wonder i'm starting to grow grey hair.....even though it could be related to some vitamin deficiency, i'd like to think of them hairs as a symbol of adulthood and wisdom....hahahha.....

Sometimes if all you have are dreams......takpe....at least it's free....the only thing that is free now...even peeing or a glass of water costs you 50 cents.....so u drink up 50 cents, n u piss out another 50 cents ....thats a whole ringgit going down the drain...

familiarity is cool right.....comfort is key kan? then why do people search for more...is it ok not too? is it selfish to yearn more?...

hello world

2009-08-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

hello world............. wide web

...it's been too long....

i missed you....i missed this...the swine might need to go for a 're-branding' overhaul...current events...tak sesuai dah...

whereas for me.....

-rusty
-fatty
-tired
-bleurgh

surviving on blips....blips of hope that i still have a chance to turn things around....back to square one and work from there...

oh yah...ahya ramadhan

ok bye!

will come by again......soon...i hope...coz i need this...

CNY

2009-01-27T07:12:00.000-08:00

i am very great full for this year's CNY..mainly because my office is closed for an extra two days...but the down side of it is that the extra 2 days will be taken off from our annual leave...but for me any day without work is good enough for me....i guess this would be the only long holiday i could savour this year....it's totally dope being a malaysian,i guess part of our tolerance for each other is because we 'celebrate' everyone's holidays and festivals.....if merry-making means holiday for all what is there not to be joyous about.... what i am excited to share here is my rock climbing experience....he asked me to tag along with his bff to try out rock climbing at camp 5...the largest indoor rock climbing facility in asia (or is it the world-tak ingat)...i was reluctant at first...how could i not be...you see i am the most unfit person u could ever meet on the street....ive never exercised..altho i eat relatively healthy stuff,i dont run, i dont play sports,the only physical activity i do is probably walking up n down the stairs of my house,driving to work and the weekly perusing in shopping malls.....so my apprehension at first was valid la of course...but ive always wanted to try out things which seemed impossible for me to accomplish...and rock climbing is one of them....so dengan tekadnye aku pon nak join la....suprisingly when we got there i was really psyched about doing it....especially after watching (with my mouth wide open in awe) this really small ang-moh kid probably not older than 3,scaling a 12 meter high wall...EFFORTLESSLY! aku pon pk if she can do it so cn i....so after a short briefing on what to do i was actually called out first to volunteer (more of rela dalam paksa) to try out climbing a boulder....ini utk beginners la...the most ive ever climbed is a ladder itu pon nak tukar curtain kat umah.....and that was wat the trainer answered when i asked how do i climb..."have u ever climbed a ladder?" so aku pon dgn gagahnye pon panjat....dgn sgt tak graceful..the picture below will illustrate how i am nt the most graceful climber with my fat arse in full view....to make things short, aku berjaya panjat boulder tersebut,terjun bedebuk mcm buah nangka oversize,panjat satu lagi wall yg lebih tinggi tanpa harness,kemudian memanjat wall setinggi 8 m dgn harness (twice),akan tetapi kerana ke-tak-fit-an diri,i failed to scale the 12 m high wall yg budak kecik tu boleh buat 2 kali...my arms were killing me....i cldnt carry my body weight for more than 6 m perhaps...altho the trainer was coaxing me that i cld do it bt i just couldnt...BUT!!! even tho i wasnt able to do the last bit, i am very very very proud of myself....because I TRIED!! the point is even though i couldnt get it on the first try,i didnt feel like a total loser and a failure,because i tried,and i know i can do it,it's just my body and mind is not accustomed to pushing myself to great limits that is totally out of my comfort zone...so with a little bit of practice and a lot of pushing and prodding and nudging and what not,aku akan berjaya menuju puncak.....i am actually considering of enrolling myself in this thing instead of a gym ke ape....partly because its fun....and partly because the guys there are hot..org yg memanjat,dan yg ajar memanjat.....sampaikan ade yg berjaya membuat aku perasan yg he was hitting on me a little...a tiny,minuscule flirting action went on,even tho my boyfriend was there..heheh....itu lagi la membakar semangat...but the fuel yg membakar semangat aku,itu lah boyfriend aku....i wanted to prove to him that his pudgy girlfriend can do it....and ended up proving to myself that i'm not so bad after all....so i hope with this newfound hope and perhaps a tiny speck of confidence, i will walk into my office this friday, with the feeling that i can do it.....i knw ill still screw up here n there,but life isnt so bad after all...no screw ups can't be fixed....even tho you make me feel like im an un-fixable major screw up....

the boulder for beginners ye..tgk budak sebelah aku tu...hilang mojo aku.

this sport is quite unflattering if u r not adriyana lima..my grand arse for everyone to view with utter horror

so pendek kate this experince totaly rocked my CNY....thans to you...i love me and i love you too *pats own self*

p.s-sesiape yg single,or not single but loves to mingle,try out camp 5 at one utama....fine male and female specimens can be found....

so tell me

2009-01-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

so tell me what i want,what i really really want,....i wanna ha' i wana ha' (3x) i wanna zig a zag ah..

itu lagu wannabe kan...kot im not so sure myself....haih, n the journey continues .....a never ending meandering and mind boggling search for these three things; passion. determination. and what the hell am i going to do for the rest of my able life...why i say able because our 'shelf life' for employment expires at 55 kan....

and ive left this space bare for so long,i guess that pretty much says a lot abt my life right now...

on a happier note, we just hit the 6 years mark....what can i say sayang,life is NEVER a dull moment with you.....i am soo looking forward to PGL next month...you certainly hit the right chord there bebeh..and u just earned urself major scores!!!

ok nak tido bye!!!

the wind in the willows

2008-12-12T07:24:00.000-08:00

of all the ironies(?)...

tayar aku pancit td....thot it was the occasional hilang angin...but apparently i think there must be a major leak....coz it was almost flat....had to inflate it 3 times in the course of going back home....i stopped at a petronas in keramat....was listening to a mix tape/cd on the stereo...iris by awie was on....got out of the car....noticed a Mercedes mpv yg agak rare utk ditemui infront of me...tgk2 awie....n 'iris' was still berkumandang...depan aku awie...i cldnt help but chuckle a bit inside...tkleh over2 kn kene act aloof...i dono why but i always act aloof when i encounter celebrities...mcm pelik...padahal suke....

met up with my best fren...it's been a while since we spent time together....i was starting to feel like im a pathetic friend....had a great time catching up...i missed u dearly...

even though i am working now,i am still uncertain of what lies in the future that is within my control...more of what i plan to do or to achieve..in the short,long or even a quarter mile run....i suppose with the current critical state of the economy i should just maintain the way things are and be a lot better at what i do now....instead of whine and lament on petty things....but one can't help but worry of the impending future....who doesnt kan..everyone wants to have it easy...especially me!tapi......nanti smue jadi pemalas dan gemuk with very little bone mass to hold up ur own big pathetic ass...hey that rhymes...!

secetek itu lah ilmu yg aku ada,namun sejernih itu lah ironi yang menyelubungi kehidupan...

and im looking for little miss naughty....

1993.1999.2008

2008-12-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

first of all thank you to all of those who called and texted me asking how i was with regards to the landslide...aku rase sangat terharu...all of ur concerns have touched me deeply....alhamdulillah our house is not that near to the bungalows...however what's worrying is our street is quite near to the point where the landslide occurred..which or still is happening/happened at jln wangsa 9...

i woke up to the sound of a helicopter hovering over my house at 5.30 am...it practically made me jump out of bed...as i peered from my bedroom window i saw the chopper circling an area not too far from my place with its spotlight on and scanning the area including our house....to me it was rather alarming that the chopper was flying a bit too close (more of too low) for comfort...this went on for abt an hour and what further fueled my bouts of paranoia was the blaring sounds of sirens tak putus2 ...2 things came to mind= a landslide or a fugitive is prowling in our area..although the latter is highly unlikely but it should not be a factor that could easily be eliminated kan...the whole house couldnt sleep thinking abt what could actually be happening...plus bunyi bising chopper tu memang tkleh tido pon...so we waited anxiously for the morning news in case they have any information of what's going on....true enuff the news at 7 confirmed that there was a landslide....and when they mentioned kat tmn bukit mewah n near the masjid i felt as if jantung aku dh jatuh smpi perut...a frend of mine lives there....basically my brother went down to see what happened and when he came back all he cld say was it was really really bad and massive and basically a major disaster...lagi la aku takot...we were basically glued in front of the telly and waited for the breaking news every half an hour...i felt useless...times like this aku tk tau ku boleh buat ape beside keeping vigil....thankfully all of those that i knw are safe now and are seeking shelter at their relatives...

although taman bukit mewah is not that near to our house,the point where the landslide occurred is quite near to us...n to make matters worse a few days earlier a minor landslide happened below our house which was at the road leading up to bukit antarabangsa....almost at the site where the first major landslide happened in 1999..itu aku kene evacuate...sebab memang realy close to our place...although right now no authorities have instructed us to move out we have stuff packed just in case.....all i can say is that going to bed every night is an ordeal....u may never knw what is to come...n i tell u mlm semlm aku nk tido punye takot....asek terjaga aje...tersentak2...mcm having an out of body experience...nowadays every day that we wake up is a blessing....we used to take things for granted but man always start to lament on life and God when tragedy strikes.....and then they,we tend to forget and be too absorbed in the artificial,material,and transient worldly matters...

and the sounds of sirens have yet to subside...

and i am slipping into sweet uncertainty...

salam eidul-adha..

november rain

2008-11-30T06:09:00.000-08:00

ye aku skarang berada dalam tahi....atau terjemahannye in deep shit...semua kerana a disadvantage that ive had since young,acute carelessness.(if there is such a thing)...hahahha...kata-kata my late mother sentiasa terngiang-ngiang di telinga ku tatkala i keep doing these careless mistakes...mak aku selalu ckp esp when she checks my math homework sambil memiat telinga aku,suraya why are u soo careless!!!! there are soo many careless mistakes...i knw u knw how to do this,u understand the equation bt because of ur tardiness and carelessness u keep getting it wrong...haih...smpi ke tua mcm tu....does anyone have any remedy for this? practice makes perfect but what if u are not been given the opportunity or time frame to practice? mati aku mcm ni....i notice that doing something at least more than twice actually does the trick,bt it cant always be like that all the time right.....i cant expect people to keep up to my schedule...i have to be the one rushing according to theirs....life as we see it is nothing but a mad dash to reach the summit...and what lies at the peak is something different for everyone tp membawa satu nuansa yg sama which is i guess is to survive,or is it to succeed?or smue org suke naik atas bukit pastu tgk matahari terbenam or terbit....

"what's the deal with same sex marriages?every married person knows that sex is always the same after marriage"

Robin Williams-as tom dobbs in man of the year...

P.s-men look super hot when they are doing household chores....sweeping,scrubbing,and mopping just makes women quiver in delight....and that is why i love you

esok,kini dan selamanya.....

2008-11-17T04:35:00.001-08:00

scratch,i am my own scratching post,
it burns,it bleeds,it rips, it heals,
can I?really?

i left work 5.30 pm sharp today.....kepala dah buntu tk tau nk buat ape..hahaha....yg bestnye i reached home 10 past 6 n i made dinner...ate it while watching the nanny which i think is a great accompaniment with ur food and a heavy head (or heart).....aku tulis mcm aku tgh emo padahal tak.....

it just comes to show i dnt have anything to write abt....i just feel like punching on keys to make words instead of numbers for a while.....

i see that a lot of people are getting married left right,front and center...sebagai seorang perempuan yg memang kaya dgn naluri2 utk kawen jadi bini and ibu,aku pon tak terkecuali from berangan nak kawen.....its like a plague skarang ni....bt i certainly am looking forward to my frends weddings which wld mostly take place next year....at least these thoughts keep me happy and preoccupied during my half an hour commute to work every morning...the fishy-stinky smelling breeze as u pass by selayang is not the only thing that puts a smile on my face...i senyum mcm kerang busuk thinking abt that very special leap we would all take in life,sooner or later.....kan kan...

As u walk on by,
will u call my name?
when u walk away...

dont u forget abt me....la,la la la la........-dont u forget abt me(tears for fears)

bedak follow me

2008-11-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

i have been tagged by amirul to list down 5 things people dont knw abt me...problem is, i think suraya in general is an open book.(or so it seems)...make it the lighted menu u see at mcdonald's drive thru....so aku tak tau ape yg korang tau n tak tau pasal aku pon tk tau...hahahha...but for the sake nk melayan aje ...in random order,here goes...

1. i like even numbers.....and ape2 kene sama rata....if possible lah....volume dials are to be of even number.....if my left butt cheek is spanked the right one must be spanked too if possible using the same force and technique...if not i feel like my butt cheek is lop-sided and tk betol...mungkin ini boleh dikategorikan sbg a mild obsessive compulsive disorder....because besides the even numbers thing and the whole must-spank-other-butt-cheek-,kalau aku jalan atas surface yg ada kotak2 atau line2....i feel compelle to walk in the box or square pattern that is on the surface ataupun i must not step on the lines....aku rase mcm walking on land mines if i were not to tread carefully...

2. i am a hard core berangan-er....and that's all i am going to say....

3. i am a sniffer...so far i like to scratch n sniff (if u knw wat i mean) and ive smelt other awful things....i knw how taik cicak smells like...not that bad tho...

4.mungkin ramai yg dah mengetahui....dan mungkin aku dh tkde idea...but for a very long time since as as far as i can remember, my ambition as a kid was to be a cashier girl....n i still harbor those dreams....the closest thing to that is me punching my calculator for work nw..

5. even tho my favourite colour is purple,aku suke smue warna actually....this is because i want to be fair to all colours....i guess this cld be categorized under item nr 1...or probly its because i tend to believe that inanimate things have feelings and emotions,that does not like to be hurt just like us humans.......

btw,here are a few pictures taken during our company dinner in bangi....it was...menarik...

ini colleague i nama dier gena

gena adalah emcee pada malam dinner itu

ini sha,and her son qashfi,sha dan qashfi makes me feel nk kawen dan beranak skarang juge...bagi saya dier adalah MILF....

i had kfc for lunch and chicken soup for dinner....im done with poultry for today.........

red ants can cause accidents....well almost....

aku merindumu.....ding dong

quantum of solace

2008-11-09T05:39:00.000-08:00

such a long hiatus n i think poor ol' swine has been neglected a bit too long huh...not to say ive been really busy at work...more of been busy sucking n farking up at work ade lah...there is not much to say tho....basically everyday i wake up at 5.45 n leave at 6.55...for the time being i dnt have to stay till late nor do ive to come to work on weekends as my workload for the time being is jackshit as compared to the others...so from the advice of many of my colleagues, take any opportunity u get to go home early..coz after this being home at 8 would be a luxury...hahahha....ive made a few friends.....most of which are those in the same boat as me....project executives committed to serve the company for 2 1/2 years....the nature of the projects and work are i guess, interesting in nature...its just that im still overwhelmed with the fact that now i am not only accountable for myself as any other human being but i am accountable for the things that i do that would affect hundreds n thousands of others n not to mention the millions n millions of dollars at stake....one screw up n im screwed bigger than any screw uve seen....as u can c or read,life is pretty mundane for the time being and it is very apparent in my writing...what i look forward to everyday are phonecalls (or quick dates) from (/with) suaidy and a nice shower n my soft comfy sleep duds n the calls of blissful slumber....selalunye aku drive dalam on the way home kete mata aku dah 3 1/4 tertutup....n is only 9pm...

ive never been so unsure n in doubt of myself,my capacity,my intelligence, my reason n rationale...i knw it is still too soon to say but that is the feeling that is swimming in my gut everyday....im glad i am not a doctor....coz if i am i cannot afford to doubt my judgment n wit when lives are in question...kan...

thanks to u,everything seems to be better,brighter,sunnier n a whole lot less bitter......

kehadapan mu

2008-10-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

i started work today...it was.......as anyone would say,a bit of a blur...ive never felt so unsure of myself.

until.....

this was tucked underneath my windscreen wipers

si pahlawan konon gagah dan gundiknya

i guess it is true wat people say,behind every grey cloud there is you...

and you are truly...

aku

2008-10-02T08:10:00.001-07:00

aku suke tgk tv..cite bodoh skali pon aku akan tgk...even tho i am cursing at the tv screen every 5 minutes
aku suke bace cartoon baby blues dlm akhbar news straits times...aku mase kecik i had this affinity for reading articles abt rape cases....mungkin sebab horror,mungkin sebab takot,mungkin sebab horny or mungkin sebab pelik dan ingin tahu..i dont knw why....and i still do sometimes now
aku tak suke keadaan diri aku sekarang yg selalu sensitive dan cepat naik hangin..mungkin nk period....mungkin aku cepat emo...mungkin engkau yg tak reti-reti
aku punye boobs may not be the biggest,but its bigger than yours!!!!!! i secretly wish i had the balls to say that to the faces of those yg mcm perasan aku tkder perasaan
aku nanti akan bekerja,alhamdulillah...ko ade kerja yang bes dan glamour?aku tkde tp bes kalau ade..kalau tkde pon i pretend that it will be so i can feel good abt myself and ultimately better than u!! i am entitled to be someone great in my own head kan...at least
aku suke nombor genap dari ganjil....i might have mentioned that before bt what the hell.
aku dulu mase darjah 4 selalu berangan yg aku ni seorang whiz kid who is an FBI agent and a medical doctor at once...and is also dating nick carter exclusively after meeting him dkt skolah rendah aku di tmn permata selepas concert sulung mereka (di tapak perhimpunan skolah aku)...during those times i run around the hse with a red gun (yg gune nk pancis api dapur tuh) stuck in my pants and occasionally drawn out ala agent dana scullly to shoot imaginary baddies....
aku ade someone yang sayang aku dan aku sayang balik...do you?ade,takde,maybe,takpe...

aku happy je....peek -a-boo,i see you!

warf

2008-09-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

my heart is yours to fill or burst....

i notice i am very protective when it comes to the matters of the heart....so if u bark,i'll bite..hard

don't. hold. back

2008-09-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

come,come,fly into my palm,
and collapse....

come baby,meh sini,
kite guling guling smpi pening..

perhaps,perhaps,perhaps,

2008-09-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

the supposed raid in Digital Mall,
23rd of September,
what could've been waffles and a jug of root beer,
was instead a slice of humble pie.

Thank You for the opportunity to Change...now,where can i find some spare change for that?...

we got that magic

2008-09-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

me vainly showing off my new haircut

we look happy that fashran is leaving-yes indeed there is peace again in this world

im like this most of the time in class-berangan mode on (haida and tasha in disturbia)

i may be 23 bt im a mak nenek at heart

L-R=shakir,jenal,fashran,me,amirul,amiaq,aween,haida n tasha
2004-2008=4 years that we will never get back
5 years of my youth being well spent with awesome people

ok, maybe the pictures are abt the same bt we are all certainly not!!! these bunch of people are just 1/7th of the people in my class of 63...this was taken abt a few days ago to celebrate fashran's move to the UK nk buat masters dier....he'll be leaving tomorow so good riddance!!!! hahaah kidding dear...at first i thot this post would be abt the man himself but i guess it wouldnt be fair to the rest and i think without all of us in that picture and probably the other 54, it would be hard to describe him or all of us for that matter....so i think im going to write abt each of them..kalau boleh ah...here goes.

you see out of 63 (or is it 64) students in my class, there are only 14 boys...yeah pretty sad huh,esp for me when i just love boys..hahah...and u can just imagine the chaos when we have to divide into groups for class projects and assignments, they will be lined up like live stock and we girls will be bargaining for them to be in our groups...hahaha..."aku nk shakirrr or aku nk fashran!wei aku chop fashran or amiaq dulu.or take a number"...we rotate the boys ever so often like male gigolos and sometimes we just stick to one guy as we prefer his 'services' rather than the others..hahahahh...shakir is the guy u talk to about boy-girl relationships...this sweet fella however is a sucker for love....he falls ever so often and he falls hard....do not let his hard and big exterior intimidate u,because he is a soft hearted person and adorable (and sometimes very gullible too)...amirul is an annoying bloke!!! hahah annoying in a good way....we love to pick on each others' flaws or mostly our flabs but he does it with good intentions of course...some may perceive him as a casanova, (hahahah) bt mere perception does not justify the man....girls do not fall prey to him,it is more of the other way around in his case,and worry not my dear friend, she is out there and love will come to you when u least expect it....among all the boys in the picture, i dont knw amiaq quite well as the others but he is,i foresee would be a political figure some day..hahahah...amiaq ade gaya,mutu dan keunggulan...he and his best buddy mamu (not here in d pic)i suppose would become the next datuk seri with their trophy wives with massive head of hair held together with industrial-strength hairspray and mousse....hey bt that is a gud thing right?hopefully when that happens senang2 kan la utk aku dptkan AP nanti kalau aku plan nk jual kete..oh n amiaq had an ex named suraya....??hahaha...jenal...wow..jenal...will always have a special place in my heart....i knew him on the first day of our studio class in matrix 5 yrs ago..he sat behind me,i said hi,he said hi back,and we havent stopped from saying hi to each other untill now...or smpi bebile pon...u see,matrix wasnt the best year for me...i wanted to be an architect so much that time,bt then i realize i wasnt cut out for it at all....i draw and build models like a kindergarten-er and he was there to witness my pitfalls and embarrassing moments during model presentations....he is so sweet to not hurt my feelings when i ask him to comment on my projects even though it looked like a llama barfed it in the morning...he would comfort me when i felt like giving up and was never short of absurd stories n jokes...yg besnye kan,because he went to a top islamic high school i would normally come to him when i had my doubts or questions abt faith and he never fails to amaze me...wht i love abt him is he never questions or judges a person...he is the catalyst that gels us all together...NO ONE is ever beefed with jenal...u knw jenal,(i dont think he reads this)u were one of the reasons i dtg studio without fail mase matrix dulu...kalau tk aku dh mati kebosanan dan kesepian dlm studio 9....ok lastly abt fashran....aku knal dier pon mase matrix...aku jenal n fashran kan slalu je kelas same seeing as to our names are the last few letters in the alphabet (jenal=zainal,me=suraya,fashran=wan mohd fashran) so nk tknk aku akan slalu la in the same class with this 2 ding-dongs.....fashran ni boleh tahan la jambu dier (ppl say la,i on the other hand think he is more of a nangka than a jambu)..so my girlfrens dulu mesti tanye i fashran cute tk hari ni,fashran buat ape hari ni,fashran is soo cute n dreamy....aaarrgghhh!! eventually we became friends and wld normally hang out la sket2 dulu kt pj....he turned out ok,tkde la jack ass pon,gedik je....i remember in one class dulu he came in late so the teacher gave him (n all of us) a punishment by doing an early morning exercise..so fashran was to lead us and he had to do jumping jacks in front of the whole class....hahahah...not so jambu now huh....pastu masuk main campus..and there was this one point in time where we wer reeallly close.....i think time tu sayang left for NS in sgpore for 2 yrs....we hung out almost every day...makan,tgk wayang,karaoke,talk cock,isap ghokok n stuff.....i guess we shared the same interest i:e that being food and makan la kan....time bf aku tkde memang aku made it clear to my guy frends yg im just using them...hahaha n that sounded so wrong....using them bukanye ape....it can get pretty boring in uia.,so we were eachother's form of entertainment...bukan dgn fasran sorang je k,so dont speculate yg bukan2....i had other men too in my life..muahahah..the both of us would exchange views on life,whine abt the opposite sex,school,friends and family or the simple pleasures of our gross bodily functions(berry2,kentut dan activity mengorek idung dlm kete konon org tk nmpk)....he is (was?) also a responsible friend....agak menjaga jugak budak ni pasal kwn2 dier....come to think of it all my guy friends are responsible and respect me even tho i was considered one of the boys....yes to some of them i am just another guy with long hair and probably bigger (man) boobs..hahahah....kalau lelaki2 lain blh je jadi animal dan mengambil kesempatan terhadap aku dgn rakusnya bt ive always felt safe going out with all of them....same goes with fashran.....although we dont hang out as much as we did back then,and i guess after tomorrow the good times we had will be left as memories,i am glad that he has finally found someone that would be his everything.....im happy for them...ucapan selamat kpd kamu berdua.....whats not to be happy abt,any new found love shld be celebrated...

ok enuff abt the boys,lets move on to the girls....tasha is the sweetest thing and altho we dont usually hang out with the same crowd we do share a lot of memorable moments together..that is one thing i like abt these friends mine...we may have our own cliques and groupies but we can all sit together and have a hell of a good time regardless...oh n my dear be careful when doing laundry especially baju2 kecik tu.....duduk sebelah umah sewa lelaki ade idiosyncrasies nye....haida pula adalah kawanku yg sgt baik dan 'pure'...even though aku beza dgn dier bgi langit dan bumi,she accepts me for who i am tanpa doubts and reservations....and i love her for that....she has strong principles and convictions which i think is rare nowadays...we may not see eye to eye on certain things but the differences innate in us is what binds us all together..all of us for that matter..aween pula ade la antara very intelligent person that i knw..all of my friends are intelligent for that matter,which leaves me,...errr where ah?hahahhah....i share a lot of things with her and so does she....i respect her for being able to maintain her cool and composure when things are notalways the way it seems and she is someone who is wise beyond her years...she dismisses my pre-conceived idea of what a typical CBN-er is....hahaha kene jugak selit pasal tu....dier la teman aku gossip,bounce off ideas,makan,dan bermacam2 lagi...dan aku sgt suke yg she is with someone that she had been wanting (lusting!) for 3 years....which proves kita akan dpt apa yg kita nak kalau hati kite luhur mencintai...waheh!!!

so to fashran,good luck in pursuing ur master's....my advice is love like u never loved before and live like u never lived before....and hopefully insyAllah u'll make it to my wedding coz i need a photographer who is willing to do it probono..although what u guys think of me is irrelevent,ntah suke ke tak suke ke aku tk kesah...hahhehh...because to me all of u rawk my world!!,to the Penta's, especially u,u,u,u,u,u,u,u aaaand u....terima kasih kerana persahabatan yang tiada sempadan.....the support,help,encouragement and comfort that all of u have given me...and of course the endless talk cock sessions and pee-inducing laughing moments yg sumpah akan membuat kite sentiasa muda dan sehat selalu...thank you for making life a lot less sucky and a whole lot of fun!!!!!!!

to Juliana

2008-09-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

im contemplating whether i shld cut my hair or not...nothing wrong with it as it is,it's probly because i need something new pastu the current length and fly-aways and kebosanan yg teramat sgt cld be fixed with a new do..

aaaaanyway, ive been catching the facemakers on tv a few times and i am at awe with the dedication and sincerity that the surgeons and specialists have at a particular miami hospital..u see this show is basically about a group of surgeons and specialists specializing in re-constructive surgery that does not include boob jobs,face lifts and penis enlargement miracles...they mainly work on children who were born with severe or mild deformities and those impaired because of accidents or illnesses..i cry a little inside everytime i watch this show...mainly because of the massive surgeries these young children have to go thru and how the doctors bersama2 merangka strategi dan procedures to make life seem slightly better for them...but most of all,aku sbenarnye takot setiap kali menonton this show...from what i see, most of these kids are deformed because of some genetic anomaly or mutation..basically the genes la....the parents can be 2 very good looking individuals but are blessed with a child that not only does not resemble them at all,but may not even look humanly sometimes..like this girl who i dnt think is any older than 3,has a condition called treacher collins disease..(i dono if u call it a disease)..bt basically it is a facial cranial deformity or disfigurement and in Juliana's case it is very severe...pendek kate la when she was born, her face was not developed,her eyes were near her ears,n the lids were almost shut,her ears are almost invisible,her nose is undeveloped, her mouth is gaping wide,almost from ear to ear,and she lacks a few facial bones...kalau org melayu dh ckp dh,budak ni separuh ikan flower horn separuh manusia....and klua mastika...dlm umur nye yg mude tu she has undergone 19 surgeries to correct her face....now she has one good eye,she hears with a hearing aid tp actually can only detect the vibrations rather than sound,she breathes and eats thru a tube tp alhamdulillah her brain is not affected at all...she currently communicates thru sign language which has made things more bearable for her as she can communicate with her parents....but what i am mostly amazed is that how strong these kids parents are and how much they love their children even when the future is bleak and people may just shun them because of how their children look like....derang punye sayang n manjakan anak derang kalah ibu bapa yg ade anak normal...which got me thinking....can i ever be that strong if i ever faced such predicament..?will my marriage stand strong against time and all this if it were to happen....MasyaAllah...I can only hope and pray that when the time comes, my child will be healthy and strong and that i will love him or her unconditionally,without even a tiny speck of regret or remorse....
kadang2 bukanye ape, kite tk boleh nk dispel the non-believers as golongan yang dilaknat oleh the Almighty..their heart maybe purer than ours who so proudly parade our holiness on our sleeves...fate, jodoh and His love and compassion is His secret....kita memang tak tahu...

kita memang tak tahu...do you know?

derivitives

2008-09-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

hari hari ku diberi erti dengan satu permainan di dlm komputer ribaku yang bernama Zuma..mungkin satu ketika dahulu,matlamat aku hanyalah untuk menamatkan Zuma dengan pencapaian yang tertinggi sekali...but when u play it twice a day,just because u dont have anything else to do, and because ur internet is too slow to download other games, Zuma is now a parasite..it is feeding on my boredom thus i click on it tanpa disedari n i play it over and over again many many times...seriously, ape yang bole dibuat (besides the obvious)..hahah...aaaaaarrghhh!!!!

i watched 300 again..probably for the 5th time..with my dad...and of course i had to do a little censorship for him which dengan tidak berjaya nye the dvd player remote control decided to go kaput hari ni la kan...so the scene where the young and nubile oracle was slithering away dlm keadaan bogel was made worse because bile aku tekan suruh fast forward or skip that scene it decided to go slow motion....memang malu and gelabah la kan..n my dad was saying 'ni knape ade pompuan tk pki baju ni,bulan pose plak tu'..ayaaaa...anyway movies yang seangkatan dgn 300 mcm braveheart ke kan,sedikit sebyk showcases man's ability to be courages and fearless not to God,but to uphold what they believe is sacred...and if the sanctity of life itself is what they believe is dear to them as faith itself then,that shall be guarded and protected bermati-matian...kebanyakkan cerita2 sebegini menunjukkan betapa pentingnya seorang ketua..either ketua satu battalion askar, negara, or a group of hooligans yg nk merompak mick jagger, dasar kepimpinan seseorang ketua itulah that decides the fate that befalls them all..i am writing this as how i am thinking it...being malaysian means we are bilingual most of the time...so sometimes we find it hard to talk in one language without the using words in another language..i am someone who knows the least about keadaan semasa...dlm negeri pon tk tau ape ntah lagi luar negara...probably because the deniability that ensues my ignorance..kadang kadang kite pura2 tak tau dan tk ambil tahu sebab kite takut the outcome of knowing too much....but there is no harm in knowing kan...back then kings fought in the forefront for their country...nowadays they wine and dine and shake hands and visit other countries promoting diplomacy...tapi the first sign of political distress, war, or natural disasters n they are sitting comfortably in a lavishly decorated bunker half the world away....bukan aku nk mengutuk....mungkin keadaan sekarang dan pentadbiran sekarang mungkin lebih efisyen dgn wujudnya kementrian pertahanan dan armed forces and all the armament that you n your friend can buy and who are your friends in high places that can gv u ultimate protection which leaves the king or president or prime minister left with nothing to do but to pray and gv instructions on when to push the red button (where we all knw adalah dinasihati oleh the seedy security of defense dude,it happens in every movie) while the rest of us put on our undies kalau sempat and bertempiaran looking for shelter....

some may say my writings and comments are done in haste and probably werent given much thought...all i can say is i base my judgments and thoughts on life or whatever is in it from watching movies, drama minggu ini and cartoons...i am not the most intellectual person around..

oh and i think McCain bijak dgn memilih sarah palin sebagai VP nye..spot on for choosing someone who basically represents a large portion of the american population....a normal family which includes (which i may say) a hot husband and hot kids, with the occasional felony charges yg tk severe sgt..i think most families would have at least someone who is charged for drunk driving..its the right of passage...and of course the unwed and pregnant teenage daughter,n weird activities for hobbies like shooting the occasional moose that wanders in ur backyard...

wow,this is quite a long one considering i started out clueless and bosan nak @#$%$%..

homo

2008-09-12T09:21:00.001-07:00

what is it with me lately, old pictures and emo song lyrics...haih..i guess its just one of those days, or weeks, or months or simply put, times where u are just overwhelmed with unexplainable emotions yg kejap naik dan kejap turun...here is a picture of me as a baby on my mother's lap wiht my sister and brother and a few cousins and aunt...i was and still is and would probably be a fatty as u can c from the picture...

La Vie En Rose

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak...angels sing from above
Everyday words seem...to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

there are no recent developments currently...oh but i do have a problem sticking to my convictions and making commitments off late.herm pelik...i keep saying macam, like and quite which is getting me into more trouble than it should....it's weird tho because in my head i do want to say a strong yes...

ive been having rice 2 days in a row...oh God down let me falter and succumb to the evil power that rice has upon weaklings such as i....

gravity

2008-09-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

besides being the mother of all procrastinators i am also at crossroads and at loggerheads with myself...the usual case is that i would proudly and confidently proclaim or make a statement that inadvertently would come back to me in the most 'in-your-face' kind of way...mcm kene smacked by an elephants derrière..but we must always look at the bigger picture...and to be the bigger person (not only just in size)...by admitting that sometimes, we are wrong..or we have to make certain adjustments to our plan in order to achieve wat we want...so instead of using AKLEH all the time, gune la SPRINT ke, PENCHALA LINK ke ape ke kan..."with every mistake, we must surely be learning" while my guitar gently weeeeeeeppss...okkkaaaay...so i hope if i am able to accept the mistakes that i made or yours,...happy days ahead!!

speaking of pictures

my maternal grandparents-tok jantan and tok betina (i kid u not)
almarhum raja mohamed raja osman and ungku salmah ungku majid

tok jantan's suprise birthday party

my late mother and her family are true blue Johorians..her parents,my grandparents, like most of our grandparents were somewhat related..it was normal back then for people to marry their first,second or third cousins,and of course at a very young age..my grandpa was 16 and grandma was 13 when they got married...but youngsters then looked a lot differently than us..they were wat we are now at 25 kot...so between them they have 11 children..3 of which have died..after my grandma died when i was 8 mths old, my grandpa never remarried until i was around 8 or 9 years old..but that marriage didnt turn out well and it didnt even last till the 2nd aidilfiti (kot)....what i can only remember abt that granny was, she cld only make air sirap...no big loss there i suppose..hahah...my grandpa is the epitome of old school metro-sexual..i think he was among the pioneers of that fad...he has a strict and meticulous regime before and after his showers and there were 2 very important things tht he must hv for grooming purposes..nivea cream in a tub and vitalis oil (i think la) for all day slick hair....he keeps a pocket diary where he will, without fail, document the ongoings of the day..where he went, wat he did, who he met,what he bought, and who said what...oh n he had great penmanship..every time he comes over, it would be my duty to find a suitable plastic container for his false teeth, and of course the picit sessions where he will ask me who were the single teachers in my primary school and would they want to be his wife...of which i rejected of course ..coz its bad enuf to see them at school..u wouldnt want to c them at home plak la kan...in 2009, 09/09 to be exact, my grandpa got married to this wonderful lady whom he met at another wedding....as i recall it was in the local papers because of the auspicious date as well as the unconventional couple...i call his wife tok dah..and she is the closest thing i can ever make up a grandma should be and she does it very well...memang best la tok dah..she was an anak dara at that time (no she wasnt 24 y.o instead in her early 40s) and got herself an instant large and larger than life family that consists of anak2,menantu2,cucu2 and cicits....my grandpa passed away a year after my mother died..i still remember how he was on his knees when he broked down at the site of my mother lying motionless in my living room...people say it is hard losing a parent,or a spouse,bt on that day i could see it was even harder to lose a child..although i didnt spend much time with him like my other cousins,but his stories and anecdotes live on in them and my cousins would tirelessly re-tell his stories again,which to me,is timeless.....just as how the stories my mother used to tell me,will always remain in special neat memory pockets,n i would replay those moments just like wall.e did with his built in cassette player..i hv my own make believe cassette player that keeps me company and sane and happy and giggly and giddy....

i hope you can find ur own built-in cassette player..sure does save u a lot from all the rubbish u call movies churned out this year...

tapas

2008-09-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

i am writing this post at a cyber cafe in bandar sungai long....this is my first time here and im very suprised with the place....with the tudor-style homes and quaint red-brick buildings (and d classic music playing in the background of this c.c) is quite astonishing i must say...how did i end up here u may ask,well i promised my sister i would help drive her around to work since she just got out of the hospital....while waiting for her to finish,aku pon dtg la c.c ni kejap..n i actually dont really knw wat to write abt....we'll see..

ok i wanted to cut and paste d picture above *here* bt i dont knw why it wont work...hhmmmm..anyway yesterday i went out for berbuke with my 2 favourite girls....i guess most of u are acquainted with khalisa bt the other girl was my rooomate in UIA for abt 2 years...kak fieza was more than a roomate to me...she was my close friend,confidante,makan buddy, gossip buddy,play dress up n make up buddy,boyfriend-ranting buddy and more importantly, she was my reasoning and conscience when i was in need of one....i think she is one of the most diplomatic person i know....i guess her life experience have rendered her with wisdom and striking intelligence especially on the subject of life and relationships..she was my sounding board for most things,...ranging from wat to eat, wat to wear, to wat to do with family, frend or *marital* problems....hse is a few yrs older than me n of course she has gone thru things that i was going thru earlier so she does have an inkling on how it is like....she wasnt the kind of friend who would tell u wat u wanted to hear,but what u are supposed to hear...it may be the ugly truth,but it is the truth that can actually save u from ur own disillusionment.....after she left uni,campus life was slightly different for me...it got pretty boring when i was in my room...i had other roomates of course,but none were anything like her...it made staying in the room boring as hell....kalau tk dulu tk sabar nk balik bilik...i'd burst open the door and yell 'kak fieeeeeeezzzaaaaaaa u know wattt!!!!!!!!!!!

one thing good abt bandar sungai long is that i could eat KFC during bulan posa n would not get stares....bang bang,u wana shoot me?

.........!!!.......

2008-09-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

Sempurna - Andra n the backbone

ini lagu bukan lah utk boyfriend saya...dont worry sayang,im not loving another man...i am actually in love with a women....and this song is for her..

house of wax

2008-09-05T06:09:00.000-07:00

mcm baru kuar dari oven here are the pictures that were taken a week ago at a photo studio in tmn melawati....as usual pictures like this are taken to preserve and capture that particular 'proud' moment in your life...probably the only proudest moment in your entire life for some...ahah...altho they werent able to erase my double chin and probably 3/4 of my fatty cheeks, all of us look flawless in the photos...no pimples, no wrinkles n no embarrassing hairy bits...but my father, being 'ol school y'all, thought that because of the airbrushing or photo editing, we all looked waxy, artificial, plastic and almost doll like..as if we were staring at a replica of our family at mdme tussauds...tp tk logic ah,we r not the brangelina brood,n neither are we closely related to the brangelinas'....hahah...ayah is more of a mamiya, hasselblad and leica person...manual rather than automatic...analog rather than digital..defection over perfection.(bt not on most things la kan)..he misses the wrinkles n lines that adorns his face and hands...abhorred by many but to him it signifies age (duh), wisdom and like a picture taken to capture memorable moments, the lines somewhat acts like the lines u find on an old record...kalau record itu mengeluarkan lagu tentang kehidupan, the lines on ur face emanates haru biru,liku-liku dan kebahagiaan kehidupan seseorang...

saya sayang keluarga saya...kamu mcmane?

my sister nadya or naea who is 10 yrs older than me but is always confused as my younger sister...yes i look like a makcik compared to her..and that is her daughter helwa...and in her perut is insyaAllah, another daughter...

oh on another note, i bet my brother, (in the dark suit) would want me to tell any single women out there that he is single and is very much available...

big girls, you are beautiful

2008-09-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

its the 3rd? 4th? day of puasa, and i think its been a good one for me...my brother and i have (bold fully) decided to go thru this whole month without having rice....and i am proud to say for nw that for d past 4 days i havent had any rice...either for buke or sahur...and im surviving ok...(for now perhaps) but i really hope to keep this up...konon2 nk kurus..if nik sayyidah can go for a year without rice,so can i....

apparently bulan puasa is also a month where people start to be reminded with fond memories of those who have passed on....knape dlm bulan puasa saje ah?its orait...as long as yg dh mati are remembered...

i cldnt sleep after sahur today, which eventually resulted to this...random and unrelated thoughts..ye la mcm aku tgh ckp dgn sesape..just dat most people are asleep,or getting ready for work now...so who can i talk cock to rite now...

it is true and i vouch to it that fasting sometimes give u constipation if ur body lack liquid or insufficient fibre intake....yes, this is a shit-ty post..it was 4 days of unsuccessful attempts for me...but after so many petua's done and taken, i feel a lot lighter now....wheeeeeee

despite being one of the most talked abt things, i actually feel quite happy with what i see..i hope it's going to be a good one for you...Insy..

dlm tak boleh tidur lepas sahur, i terjumpe an old magazine with a right up on johnny depp and abso-fraking-licious photos of this DILF....i am trying really hard to stop myself from lusting over him...itu simpan utk lepas berbuke..hehe..

3 kittens,that is now down to 2,where one of them according to my father looks like a young jennifer anniston during the first season of friends

a syok sendiri picture of my busuk self..it is obvious that i and also a lot of other people who make funny faces just so they can hide their facial flaws..and appear cute,quirky and probably interesting

a plastic tub that is filled with baju tk pki, a standing fan yg pendek,a dolphin torchlight,my brother's old MD player,a nata de coco container which is holding bunga2 terlebih from my convo,a vanity table which is as old as me or older,and on it is the stuff that actually makes me ok to look at and perhaps make me feel pretty...and erm rubbish and a screw driver...oh and a mirror with remnants of taik gigis and taik idungs yg diselet oleh saya atau org lain yg secretly selet..tak malu.....

a little something

2008-09-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

ok..aku dh malas gile nk update benda alah ni..i think ive lost my mojo man..ive lost the zest in life..melampau gile la kan...tp there were a few things that needs to be updated abt my life n what goes on in it...because of my ever-so-malas-self is so malas of conjuring palatable sentences, i'll just put eveyrthing down in point form....easy to write and easy to read...

2 saturdays ago was my convocation....you see, i was already finished with school last may so the excitement of donning the robe and walking across the stage has died down since July..our new robes were nice,although putting them on was quite a hassle.the mortar board which i thot would be cool (it was,ideally) was a bit of a nuisance since it kept sliding off the back of my round-shaped head..and what i hated most was how it sabotaged the 'awning' of my tudung..mortar board=tudung saboteur..my dad,brother,sister and boyfriend were so excited for me when the big day came...i was still in my state of bleurgh-ness...nk smpi UIA jam,dlm UIA jam,n the person in charge of traffic flow must have been really short-sighted seeing as to how chaotic it was with all the congestion and penutupan jalan secara tiba-tiba...so we had to park at the far end of the campus..which was not a big deal since UIA was planned n built according to the central and radial system where it is just a 10 min walk to anywhere...but when ur wearing heels which were biting ur feet with every stride and a baju kurung that gave u limited mobility,a 10 min walk would seem like ur running a marathon (yes i like to exaggerate)..i met up with a few friends who kindly showed me how to put the robe on properly and after that we were told to line up before entering the hall...fast forward to a couple of hours, we came at 1.30, we went in the halls at 3, i went up on stage at 5 plus, we went out of the hall at 6 plus...penat gile...and it was pouring...and pouring and pouring...so not only the atmosphere was dampen by the rain,but also my spirits..cewah...aku ni tersangat la poyo...yg buat aku menyampah pasal convo aku is dat how aku rase aku ni nyusahkan org....kesian family aku kene jalan jauh,kene ujan,tunggu lame,tercari2 sesame sendiri..altho they didnt mind at all n was more excited than me i cldnt help bt feel that way..so in the end, we didnt take pictures coz all i wanted to do was to get out from that place and eat...lapar nak mampos ok...basically the highlight of my day was having the most important people present at my convocation...ayah,naea,bapoi and suaidy..funny thing is sayang, u were there on my first day of matricualtion in PJ, and u were there on my last day as an undergraduate..and as i passed by where u are right now on that day, i cldnt help but cry quietly in the car...

"Thank you"

i knw this pic is rather unflattering,bt its the only one with dydy

an arrangement i did with the roses from my dad n bro n lilies from him..

last friday i had a shock of my life when i was in my car..while i was reaching to grab my things from the back seat i saw a horrific site of hundreds or maybe thousands of semut api kerengga on the entire backseat....it was so menggelikan and it was a bad day for me to wear a long flowy skirt..i swear i cld almost feel it as i imagined the ants crawl up my legs and bersuka-ria at God knows where la kan...i dashed into the house and told my dad, took the ubat nyamuk aerosol, drove my car into the drive way and started spraying away...so i thot la...on my back seat was a cap, a small notebook n 2 water bottles..as i lifted my cap, i saw a mound of those ants just seeking refuge and dok beranak pinak bwh tu ok....the ants dh bertelur pon....eeeee geli nye ok! aku tulis episode ni pon badan aku dh geli geleman...so anyway kerana kegelian yg teramat sgt i asked my dad to do it for me..n he was also geli-ed by the ghastly sight.they were everywhere..so alang2 dh mati smue ants tu i vacuumed the whole car...so some good did come out of it..i feel sorry for the ants meeting an untimely death..but hey i wouldnt want to learn it the hard way when im driving alone and suddenly they decide to roam around the car and naik atas kaki aku...aaaaaarrrghhh..

i am still unemployed..but ive been vigorously sending out my resumes.....haih this is starting to test my patience ok...it is the 2nd day of ramadhan, n it has been good...so till then,bye bye..

garden of knowledge and virtue

2008-08-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

1.graduation robe-check
2.graduation hood-check
3.graduation mortar board-check
4.convocation baju, shoes, tudung and what not-check
5.unexcited, couldnt care less feeling abt tomorrow's convocation-check!

almost 4 months ago when i finished my last exam, and stormed out of the human freezer we call studio to de-frost or thaw ourselves, i was hit by a sudden burst of euphoria just imagining how my convocation day would be...how tomorrow would be to be exact...

but today, about 24 hours before i would go up on stage, walk in careful strides so not to fall on my cute behind, all that hype and excited feeling has been reduced to a pulp of blergh...when i think abt the traffic jam to enter uia, to the hassle of finding a parking spot, to lining up, to answer to ppl why i am still unemployed, to smile and pose for pictures, and to endure the weight n the heat from the bulky robe and stuffy headgear almost the whole day...kalau aku dpt special award maybe i might sound less bitter..hahah...people say that once ur already there, lining up n waitng for ur turn with ur frends, the atmosphere and all, i would feel the excitement again...i guess that is true...we'll just have to wait for the next post that comes after this one to knw how it went...perhaps with pictures to help illustrate...

all i want to do is curl up into a smelly, fury and lumpy ball in bed all day.....it would be nice if there was a tub of ice cream to accompany my sorry self...it may gv me a toothache and extra 'love handles' topped with acerbic guilt...

and to you, fuck you and fuck off!

the red square on my table

2008-08-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

because the world is round, it turns me on,
because the wind is high, it blows my mind,
because the sky is blue, it makes me cry.

love is old, love is new,
love is all , love is you,

artificial intelligence

2008-08-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

ahahaha..boleh tak i gelak guling2? IT has done it again..why do i categorize it as an IT..when truly it cld be a he or a she seeing as to how it is human...yes it is as human as you and i are..but i rather use it fearing someone cld point out who it is..haha...the it and i go way back...not to say we were friends or best buddies..but merely a close acquaintance...same age and pretty much we have the same things (wink)....except it had loads of talent...whereas i lacked a large amount of talent almost bordering to nothing..unless people wld accept that being able to locate your own booger on the bathroom floor swiftly is a certain kind of raw talent,well then....there is something wrong with u..hahah...ini adalah seperti evewhere i turn,i look, i listen, i breath(now dat is just pathetic of me) it is everywhere....albeit i am proud of it but i admit, there is a hint of jealousy (a hint?!) in me...probably derived from the disillusion i have of myself...apa yang kita kejar-kejarkan tak dapat,dan apa yg kite kendong terburai..i dont knw if that is correct..the problem with me is that how am i suppose to get what i kejarkan when my legs aren't doing all the chasing.and what have i been kendong-ing?just my lumpy rolls of fat je..so to you whom i call it, i would love to share your joy and happiness gained from all the achievements (or fame) and i have great respect for you....but just bear with my own flaws and insecurities that amounts to this jealous streak i have for you or anyone like you....i am, like you, only human........

dulu-dulu

2008-08-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

i went to my very close frend's convocation yesterday in cyberjaya..a very sweltering hot cyberjaya...suprisingly we were quite disappointed with the lack of hot men for ogling purposes...hahah female horniness aside we were there to support amy on her day.. a day that is an affirmation to her 3 yrs of studying to become a financial engineer that she is now...and dont bother asking me what is financial engineering...heheh but i am proud of you girl..i realize that we are already young adults embarking on the vessel that brings us into the perilous adult life, yet when we meet we are still the giggly teenage girls we were and will always be...kelakar...dah la dulu sama2 suke boybands yang same...pakai braces...so u can imagine when we talked spit was flying everywhere...hahah...so amy, u graduate dulu, u keje dulu, u kawen dulu???

the lawyer(who secretly wants to be a tv journalist), the financial engineer, the quantity surveyor(who secretly wants to be so many other things)

khalisa, amy zurina and me

you must always have wind-in-hair-effect pictures

me and khalisa's convo will be on the 23rd and 24th of this month respectively...

and how I wish so badly this special someone could be there as well...tak pelah..dlm mimpi pon jadi lah..

pish

2008-08-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

i regret for having u regretted...does that make any sense to you..it sure hell does to me..in its purest form...on how real the reality is...regret the regretted..hah..ambik ko suraya...

hey jude

2008-08-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

the heat nowadays can really suck up all your energy and what ever is left that can be considered as exciting. i haven't been doing much lately accept standing in front of my oscillating stand-fan with my tongue a-wagging..

one of my last post was abt the death of my cat...you see, for abt the entire time that ive lived here, which is since i was 3, we've always had cats living in ur backyard... female cats seem to gravitate to our house instead of all the other houses on our street to breed...and breed..and breed..so for as long as i can remember we would always have a family of cats living on our grounds and all we did was feed them...n we feed them food scraps, leftovers, fish and chicken entrails and they ate whatever we ate...and all these glorious food would come flying out of our kitchen window above the kitchen sink....these sneaky cats know when it is their meal time...whenever they cld smell traces of blood from either d uncooked fish or chicken from the wastewater that pours into the drain, they would all anxiously and impatiently wait infront of the 'magic' window....they cld be miles away but the faint sound of the window latch being twisted would send them sprinting faster then u can say puss to get 'vip' access to the magical window...n then the cats got smarter...by trying to outsmart the other cats, one or 2 or even 3 of them would jump on to the sill of the magic window, and with their 'x-ray' eyes peer into the tinted windows at the feast which is waiting for them which is actually me siang-ing the ikans...and as years went by word got out to all the other neighbourhood cats including the snotty and posh persian pets started to hear about the magic window and they too started to frequently come to my hse...once they had a bite of the scraps that may consist of tulangs, nasik, roti, cake, donuts, biskots and what ever we ate, they just had to have more...it is like the saying once you go black, you will never go back (to whatever it was that they liked,i think)...so much of being epicureans of expensive luxurious cat foods..and just like human evolution, the cats started to wait infront of the magic window once they cld here the clicking sounds of our cutlery...as years went by the mother puss has given birth to many, many pussycats...i have spent years of terrorizing the young kittens, playing with the tweenies and coming to terms when they had to leave the nest as young adults to venture into the world of the limitless unkown and meet other cats and mate...but these cats are something....they cld be roaming the streets and doing whatever it is that they do elsewhere,BUT would conveniently come back to my house to eat and await the wonders that are kept behind the magic window...i have seen how the horny males jump on their sisters, daughters and mothers....i have seen kittens die a brutal death with their frail necks almost severed from the fangs of their fathers....i actually caused another kitten's death because it followed me and fell down from the 2nd floor balcony...i have seen how motherly and caring and nurturing mother cats are but they too suffer from post partum depression...i also witnessed sadly how one of the mother cat i call nanderk, the village 'bicycle' coming to terms that she is no more the primadona, instead her stunted tailed daughter was the one getting all the attention and becoming the person she herself never asked to be...that entire generation of cats have now ended as the last generation left us a few years ago....and then came the new mother cat....as usual she was desperate for a place to give birth to her litter...and she found solace in a crevice under an old stove oven we hv in our kitchen...and that was the start of all the chaos and mayhem we have to live with everyday for the last year and a half....for the last year and a half this mother cat has given birth 3 times and had a litter of 10 kittens...7 of which are staying here with us rite now...2 of which had died within 2 days of each other last week..one of which i named martha..martha stewert...martha died a day after i caught her brother trying to fuck her...a day after i could see the disappointment in her eyes and the upsetting cry she meowed out...she was found cold and stiff, cross-eyed and tongue a-wagging...she had gone thru the chain-linked fence many many times..she cld have been running away from something, or someone, or she cld have been careless...poor martha....the next day martha's younger sibling who was i'm guessing is a month old kitten died...i dnt knw why...couldve been undernourishment, or poisoned or chocolate or because of the feeling of displacement, or the young kitten had some genetic anomaly...i dono...but she died,sadly alone...like any other cat...apparently cats die alone...they will isolate themselves from others to die....the current mother cat drives my father up the wall because she is conceited, cunning and persistent...we dont let them in the house because they are dirty and dont want their shit-trodding paws come in contact with our furniture or food....she once sneaked into our kitchen with her young kitten n toppled over a bowl of thawing chicken onto the floor and ate it...that was our lunch....even with all the craziness we feel a deep sense of responsibility towards her....my father would buy extra food just for her and her brood...this new mother cat has a crooked tail....she has such a distinct personality...she knows what she wants....and she gets what she wants....she is one who is not affected by her feelings and can be seen as cold and distant at times but caring and nurturing and loving otherwise....she has this stern look in her eyes when her whims are not entertained....sometimes i interpret from her forlorn spaced out moments while her kids aggressively suckle on her tits how her life cldve been different for her...how she wished she cld run away from all this anguish of having to painstakingly care for her brood, and receive torment from humans such as us....i guess if i cld read her mind, she longs for the freedom that nature does not allow...and after that brief moment of contemplating her 9 lives, she licks the nook between the eyebrows of her child like any respecting mother would....i think i'll call her azizah...

oh n here is a picture of me with my niece helwa on my father's birthday lunch...and a picture of my father...and a picture of me....

the rather long write up abt my cats was typed in orange because martha had orange patches..

a silver lining

2008-07-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

i am so easy to please..and that being said it is both a boon and a bane being easy..

breakable girls and boys

2008-07-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

she was a splash of sunshine,
her body looked silky,
but felt waxy,
her spit was the clue to remain shiny..
oh my poor martha..

martha held a gun,
if only she could,she would,
she resisted,but he persisted,
he cried out loud,
but in her heart she growled..
oh my poor martha..

if the day could not get any sunnier,
and if only i could remember,
martha was found stiff,
her spotted coat failed,
she was colder than the morning chill,
her eyeballs were eyeballing eachother,
oh my poor martha..

a crime of passion?
manslaughter?
a night of gallivanting that went wrong?
martha now rests in a toaster box,
flung over a cliff,
where a family of wild boars meet to feast..
oh my poor martha..

the comical knight

2008-07-22T09:43:00.000-07:00

the dark knight was..........nt as i expected especially after all the hype that it is being given...for me tim burton hands down gave us the best batman movie ever n micheal keaton n jack nicholson both gave such amazing acting that we cannot associate anyone else to those respective characters...besides that the story deviated a lot from the comic version, it lacked depth, an engaging story line n of course character development...ceh mcm la im certified to say all that..n im not even a comic aficionado..bt i knw one crucial point is that the joker was the one who killed bruce's parents at the back alley n said something like ''did u ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?' .the movie did not explain hw the joker became the joker,n batman's supposedly transition to becoming the 'dark' nite was so abrupt...n looked like it was done in haste..mcm hey lets do a batman movie called the dark nite to depict the masked crusader's evolution into a darker realm..pastu let's put in the joker as well..ooo n lots of explosion n panic n face mutilation.even the gadgets pon tk best.n rachel dawes wasnt beautiful.the joker was lying n joking around like he always did...n then 2 in a half hrs into the movie they forgot mcmane nk buat batman to darker n a lot pisser than he is...oh hell we'll put it in in the last 10 minutes of the movie thru narration n stuff....i guess the best publicity stint this movie ever had was heath ledger's untimely death that teaches us to be clear headed before taking any prescribed medication...READ n UNDERSTAND THE LABELS FIRST adik2 before popping..coz u dnt want to be found dead,n naked, by ur immigrant masseuse.

and you never will be mine

2008-07-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

i went to uia to do my graduation clearance....had to go walk around the campus to a number of places for that...bt i still hv to go again this friday n pick up my final transcript...it rained heavily this morning...so i thot the weather this afternoon wldnt be so hot..boy was i wrong..it was scorching n i had to wear my smurfette tshirt n semi-wool sweater....i wldnt say i was drenched...im a light-sweat-er..my bf sweats buckets...i nyer sweat mcm malu2 kucing nk kuar...n as a result i retain all that water..n my lemak all squishy like that...i dnt hv the mood to write for now...nothing much has happened....

im toying with the idea of hiring a male escort...n dnt worry sayang if that ever happens il make sure ul hv one female escort for u too...just for fun...to c hw it is like being with someone purely for the physical attraction..what it is like to take things as they are on the surface...n then i cn exchange notes with my boyfren...wondering together what we hv learned from it..hw much do u think it'll cost me to hire johnny depp as my escort?

last nite's debate was fun....we shld hv more of that...it is more entertaining than impak maksima..

my fren Cik Siti once told me life is like a fart...i cnt agree more...u can feel it coming but the outcome of it is still uncertain......

i wrote this back in 2005, feb 3rd to be exact

Doggy Style

i left the rottweiler panting for more...
i left him in a cage full of regrets,
he howls,
as he shouts,
for me he calls out,
my mercy he begs,
on all fours with humility,
as i the holder of his liberty,
preserve his submission,
in the dim-lighted alleys of my heart.

to-yo-go

2008-07-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

last nite i watched the last king of Scotland on dvd...it was mostly fictional bt it also showed some historical accounts that took place during the authoritative leadership of Idi Amin Dada..what i love abt these movies which were partly historical n partly fictional was mainly because i am one of those people who hv very little knoledge on world history n the political scene 'waima' in their homeland as well as the entire world...what i knw cld only be a mere 5% of what is there to knw...im not much of a reader as i am one of those pathetic beings who prefer watching the movie instead of reading it..malas...haha..i hv to say forrest whitaker was excellent as idi amin..it is as if watching the man in action himself 30 yrs after his deposition...i am unsure whether the factual parts in the movie were accurate,bt what i cn deduce after watching it is i think i understand why powerful people resort to such violence and brutality as despotic rulers...i think it is because of having a constant fear that with all that great power they possess, many people wld rather see them dead than ruling the country...perhaps in a certain way,these so called autocratic leaders really do want to bring forth a positive change for their country n all countrymen...maybe they really do want to provide a better place for their people to live in...i guess the love they have for their people is what drove them to practice extreme measures in order to get things,well in order of course...communism and all its other forms such as marxism,stalinism, maoism,trotskyism and all the other 'isms u cn find in its fundamental form i believe is to serve what is right n what is fair to all...some sources suggested that idi amin suffered from hypomania, a form of manic depression which is characterised by irrational behaviour and emotional outbursts...in the movie, one can't help bt adore his good nature, dry humour n a love for life n family(a very large one too).bt his personality switches so fast n he becomes this sweaty,scary n pitiless brute ..probably all of the famous autocratic leaders suffer from hypomania...n severe paranoia...amidst their strive for political,social n economical success, their are shadowed by a constant fear n realization that their position as leaders n also as a living person may be short lived..so their solution is to eliminate any possible threat n competition...yang tertanya2 adalah,adakah ketakutan mereka utk mati atau pergi dlm paksa kerana mereka takut impian utk membawa kebahagiaan dan kesenangan kpd rakyat akan tergendala,atau kerana their thirts for immortality was unfulfilled..

peliknya di malaysia,rakyat kite bukan la penuntut communism,socialism,capitalism or democracy..tp more of mahathirism,anwarism,nik azizism,najibism,badawiism,ku-Liism dn ramai lagi...we lean towards the person rather than what do we really want for our own self...to this date i try and want to remain apolitical...n i am far from being a political observer...i went to register myself as a voter 2 weeks ago...4 months after the actual general election...what i want is for my country to be a strong nation,economically,socially,politically n technologically (?)...i want my country to remain as colourful n muhibbah n harmonious...i want my country to have rakyats who are happy n gay...who wld embrace eachothers differences and fight together for peace n perhaps for a cleaner country..(oh,one can only hope)...tp some may argue that being apolitical is selfish n u are not contributing as a rakyat...i am a useless rakyat,just sitting on a fence,trying to see the grass on which side is greener...well all i cn see is dat the grass on both sides have weed problems,lalang2 tumbuh dgn tinggi,ade some bald patches and some dry patches...saya suke duduk atas pagar..angin sepoi2 yg mendayu-dayu makes me feel like im floating on bubbles....

man this post is too serious for me...i shld stick to mencerita abt what i ate n the consistency of my daily morning berak episodes n of course syok sendiri pictures of myself..

bhajue

2008-07-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

nk tulis ape hari ini? i slept at 5.30 am n woke up at 9.30..smue gara2 nk kluar berdeghat dgn pakwe aku...i contemplated on what to wear,n what i chose added 7 yrs to my age..headed to his hse where his mum made lunch which proceeded to the start of my episode with chocolate today..we had chocolate fondue on his balcony..it was breezy,noisy n dusty..sesuai dgn fondue itu..my love affair with chocolate is intense,eternal n a gratification of all sorts..

we went to bijou bazaar afterwards..it was hot,stuffy n as always,like bees to honey,like flies to sampah, girls flock to clothes bazaars as if mcm ape yg saya describe sebelumnye..n of course where there are a hot girls a-flocking, men with indescribable eagerness are always nearby..n i was rm 40 poorer.

lepas tu kan kite tk tau nk buat ape..tell me what else is there to do n where else is there to go in KL on a weekend..segala pelosok gedung dan pusat membeli dan membelah have been scaled n it is always d same...aimless wandering,aimless gazing, aimless whining,n aimless spending on mahal mcm puaka anak haram parking..so tetibe we decided to go somewhere we haven't been to in ages...central market n petaling street..sebelum ni saya tk pnah lg pegi tgk the newly refurbished CM n ive only been to PS once...CM was,cold.aircon wise n a bit n atmosphere wise..it was a blessing frm the sweltering heat outside..bt as always,commercialism n the effects of tourism,the barangs there were overpriced..i hope,becoz of that,pembuat brg2 tu kaya raya lah...sebab saya tk cukup kaya pon nk beli...PS was,...as it was the last time i went..probably more organized...interesting,it was organized chaos in PS..n only in a proud muhibbah country such as msia wld u walk by a chinese n an indian peddler argue in cantonese...n not too long ago i was at the mamak near the annexe,or restoran mamak annexe n what i observed cld probably be a great (k.o.non) muhibbah movie made by yasmin ahmad n starring sharifah amani..there were a few tables with young adults or teenagers that are clearly (hopefully)in love with the arts..there were a few tables that had men not more than 45 y.o wearing leather jackets n rough jeans ala A.Galak n the whole gerak khas team going undercover..there were a few singletons pretending to only care abt the food infront of them...n there was a table with 6 or 7 ppl who were so engaged n engrossed in their borak sessions...bt it ws not the usual perborakkan where their buahahahahbuahah reverberates the whole building..it was quiet tp penuh semangat..ni sebab group itu adalah group yg ckp gune sign language...walaubagaimanapun, saya rase,smue table2 dan org2 yg duduk kat table ni smue tgh ckp pasal cite yg lebih kurang same..pasal kesempitan kewangan dan taraf hidup brought by the current inflation n looming recession...pasal kenaikkan harga minyak...pasal bola..pasal keluarga..pasal awek..pasal pakwe...pasal mak bapak tk memahami..pasal laki atau bini masing2 yg tk memahami..pasal kerajaan yg mcm sial...pasal parti pembangkang mcm sial...pasal kisah cinta artis tempatan...pasal menyelak tepi kain org lain...pasal kerja..pasal tknk keja..pasal cari kerja...pasal nk jual bende tk elok..pasal nk beli bende tk elok..pasal nk jadi manusia..pasal dh tknk hidup lagi sbg manusia..dan bermacam2 pasal lg...saya tertarik dgn kumpulan itu yg berckp menggunakan tangan mereka..aksi mereka..kerutan di dahi mereka...senyuman yg merekah di bibir mereka...the way their eyes danced as they gaily signed away...if i were to make a movie,it wld be abt the experience i had n what most others too that takes place dkt kedai mamak...n it will be called buih...mcm buih teh tarik tuh...mcm itulah buih yg ade di mulut org2 ni smue yg berborak sakan kt kedai mamak...mcm itulah buih that people need to cleanse their sins..mcm itulah buih yg boleh bwk kite ke alam fantasi,either floating in the air or bobbing on water..mcm itulah buih yg boleh membawa maut...

so dont burst my bubble

ginger ale

2008-07-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

nutrition is what is said on the bottle,
is it fact or fiction or what keeps us fuzzy,
it is almost 3 in the morning,
n i am kept awake by useless n detrimental thoughts,
i see you the way i want to,
i feel you the way it is meant to,
i smell you the way my armpit smells,
strong,pungent and distinct.

fascinations with myself

2008-07-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

since sometimes i am just drained of things to write abt here,i am going to post some old stuff i wrote a few yrs back when i use to blog bersepah2..ade kat diaryland,ade kt myspace n of course any inch inch of a piece of paper that i cn conteng my thots on..probably what i wld do is make a chronology of the phases i went thru before n after i entered my 20s..pendek kate i wld like to quote my own words..hahaah hw much more self-absorbed cn a person be..meet, me!

how i feel about = pasar malam (June 2005)

Purchasing power is never underrated or restricted when it comes to night markets. Why life predicaments and imperative choices can’t be displayed and sold like the bargains u find at night markets. Not only are they pretty and at best imitate the real things. It is sold at dirt cheap prices, yet u can still haggle for a price close to nothing. Ur free to choose, to look, to inquire, to touch it, to feel it, to smell it, to taste it, to examine it, to ponder about it, and to compare with the other offerings or options, before deciding, before buying, before owning, before being responsible for the bargain and of course, before exposing oneself from future risks and possible outcomes

this was when i was on the verge of treading dangerously on unchartered waters, a poem called=

UnCanny Ong (March 2005)

let all this just be a fixation of self refute,
nothing more,a lot more less,
lest this will be an unbridled affair,
of such repugnant pleasure,
and what shall be left?
the bitch held captive,
kept silent,
the damned bitch,
and her foolish sacrifices.
the bones have been dug out,
none gained,many lost
could the dog trap spell out freedom,
would begging be actual solace,
nothing,
nothing,
but uncanny events,this has been.

about me (September 2004)

i love my home...i love my house and how homely it feels....it is where i grew up and it is where many events transpired that has made life become a challenge to be dealt with.but it is at home where i feel most happiest and still most sad.....i have been furnished with all the worldly and unworldly knowledge that is needed...my heart and soul nourished with wholesome goodness of parental and spiritual guidance since young.....
however from my own doings i have fallen prey to imprudent decisions and erroneous paths. this i pay tribute to my foolish self and not from the faults of others.as compensation, my contented external manifestation eclipses the guilty conscience of my heart.
whenever i am home, i feel young and exhuberant...i will forever be young when im at home..... never will i age a day older than 8.at times i do need this sort of escapism....but mostly i yearn equal value,understanding and matured respect.....as if i know what that is.....but who and what i am within and beyond the house are completely different.among those non-related individuals i am taken seriously of.my views and my voice are heard....i feel big,almost able to conquer anything....at home i feel of little significance.....

UIA=IIUM=The Garden on Knowledge n Virtue (April 2004)

no matter what ppl may say bout this place,i am going to miss walking down the corridors,climbing the uneven steps to class,passing the cafeteria n have me drool over the ayam goreng kunyit,terrorizing the over productive cats,n looking up at the moon on breezy nites....the moon has never looked bigger when i am here........mostly im gonna miss what's outside this place......this place may be confining for some.....but it has been my chance of freedom, to have experienced many new things,go to places ive never been,strucked by intensified emotions brought upon events so unimaginable, prior to this place...but that is only a small part in the second chapter of my life.......panjang lagi ceriternye......and that i am certain.....

about exposing myself=the graceful swine (April 2004)

i have no idea why im writing this.....all this thinking n typing is making me more hungry......out of complete boredom i should do something to occupy my mind......writing my thoughts down on paper will just make my hands tire n hurt,talking it out to myself may eventually raise suspicion among ppl around me....so i figured.....what the hell

L.O.V.E (June 2005)

The day came and went. When anticipation and longings overpowers logic, the gut churns and u’ll feel nauseated.

well,what cn i say...

K

2008-07-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

today saya nk cerita pasal kawan saya sorang by the name of kaye or k or kay or Q or P or whichever alphabet he feels he wants to be called as...but for the past 5 yrs it has always been kaye to me..if u hv to knw,his actual name does not even hv a single K in it...ive known this bloke for 5 yrs nw...it started back in the day when petrol was still less than RM2...i cnt really remember hw we became frens,bt we were doing our matriculation in PJ..i guess that year was an awkward moment for many....having to make new friends,adapting to the campus environment n of course learning arabic...n for us,the so called budding architects (or so we thot) getting used to not sleeping for a few days....kemalangan2 kecil pon tk lupe juge...i like to impart one good advice..if possible,do not handle any sharp objects or tools such as a cutter late at nite when u hv been awake for more than 36 hrs...the outcome might not be so favourable..

a typical day with kaye wld never be void of this

a typical day with me will NEVER be void of this

shot in the act

my flaring nostrils

anyway,i dh tersasar jauh plak...kaye is a very caring,lovable,approachable n sweet....he can really push ur buttons sometimes bt because of him,i learnt that u shld never judge a book by its cover,n that u shld always give people a chance, not to prove their worth, bt to prove hw u or in this case me,the ability n the freedom to be whatever u or i choose to be..n how we intend to live our lives without the interruptions of social conventions...being frends must not be abt conforming ourselves to specific conventions,n neither shld it be conditional...oh, kaye also taught me a lot abt keeping ones vanity in check..heheh..

d pictures were taken during a lunch date a few days ago..we cldnt help bt to be camwhores for the day...hw can we not be when kaye has already lugged around a heavy camera n pavillion is a great place for camwhores such as us...

go green

2008-07-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

i am one of those fussy graduates u read abt in the news..n i make up a part of the statistic that shows hw many unemployed graduates there are currently...i do not reject any offers,simply because i havent gotten any..oh probly one,hehhe coz i dnt think being a gundik wld look impressive in my resume,unless i was living when imperial dynasties still reigned..i am fussy because i am looking towards somewhere that might not even give a hoot at my resume n moving far away from opportunities that i was supposed to consider initially...i hv my reservations for not going for the latter...i am fussy because i desire certain things....i am fussy because i want a better quality of life/living...or maybe i am just fussy because i am actually unsure of my capacity, my ability and my crippling confidence..it doesnt help that my so called decision concerning my career looks rather bleak?? i hate it if things are not progressing as i hoped,n i hv to bite the bullet,swallow my pride, where red underpants over my pants, and resort to do whatever i was supposed to be doing in the first place.... hermph,or maybe,i am not entirely fussy...just plain lazy n displaying the typical malaise attitude of blaming consequences instead of focusing on hw i cn make d situation favourable to my needs n i guess the entire universe..

i was watching a bit of oprah just nw n there was this dude whom i guess is a motivational speaker, suggesting that instead on focusing to amend our weaknesses,we shld focus on our strengths n hw to make it stronger....pendek kate la..so,what can i do if im good at eating...

calamansi

2008-07-06T08:20:00.001-07:00

disclaimer: this would be a very jiwang post...readers are advised to prepare a bucket for future retching..

there we were,sitting in khadijah's kitchen,digesting our dinner..or probly still digesting our lunch n tea...having one of the most wonderful conversations ive had so far in my life..hw our parents used to scream at us for reasons of being a bit slow in long divisions..hw we are afraid of turning into our parents yet agreeing that the apple doesnt fall far from the tree..hw we hope n pray to be the best that we can...hw u love to taunt me with ur blunt n often dry sarcasm as it amuses u when i pout n appear pissed,when in actual fact i kind of enjoy our harmless banter...n of course hw we eventually ended up like this...

a few miles away from us, thousands of others gathered to prove a man's innocence..millions more are in distress just trying to live by within the means they hv to unwillingly accept.some believe that the end is looming ahead of us sooner than we expect...yet, the conversation we had made the unknown n the fragility that life actually is seem, a lot less dreary..

there is a song that i love which basically cld sum up what this is.

"and if u dnt mind can u tell me all ur hopes n fears,
and everything that u believe in,
would u make a difference in the world,
i love for u to take me to a deeper conversation,
only u can make me.......feel.."

(deeper conversation-yuna)

when i am happy or i am writing abt happy things or a certain someone i like to use the colour purple...purple is gay n purple reminds me of all the good things in life...ribena,rainbows,my little pony n frens,barney,mcdonalds,watsons, n the list goes on..n did i mention it is my favourite?

i loves you

sempurna

2008-07-05T01:02:00.000-07:00

i fucked up

everything comes back to u in full circle...n sometimes we forget that...well i did..i guess i am not much different than the righteous arse that i described earlier...we are all arses in some point of our lives..n everything comes back to u in full circle...for me,it had hit me rite flat on the already flat jawa nose much sooner than expected..

sorry

4th of July

2008-07-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

i find it very amusing when those who 'subtly' parade their humility and righteous conscience actually commits the very sin they work hard to avoid...i admit i am not the best person around,in every sense of the word bt from where i am sitting, u hv indeed placed urself so high up on ur sanctimonious pedestal...hebatnye..

i rubbed to much ameltz yoko yoko ono on the back of my neck n shoulders n now it burns...

speaking of which,this reminds me of a tv advert i saw quite recently n hw kelakar gile it was...simply because it basically was abt a young women who felt she needed to break free from her sheltered n monotonous life..she felt that she cldnt connect with her aging asian parents...so she ran away...pastu she realized hw sepi she was n how she have wrongly caused so much pain to her parents for leaving them..dier pon balik umah....she sed in the advert that at the end of the day we r all d same n everyone faces the same problems and the occasional bouts of loneliness. pastu dier balik umah n bot her mother a new stove...so the whole advert was abt a stove..yg state of d art takyah pancis api punye aku tk tau name dier ape....coz she remembered her mother accidentally burning d tip of her finger when she lighted d old stove..so that was the cause for this young lady's pain n loneliness....so the solution to all forms of sadness n depression is an expensive stove...yg aku rase mak dier tk suke pon...cn u tell me any 65 yr old women who is savvy with high tech home appliances....haa tk makan ah ko pompuan....

n this quite elaborate description of a tv commercial was triggered by a neck burn thanx to the yoko..oh n yoko ono is a different level of pain all together...

i am me

2008-07-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

as opposed to a previous post where i vehemently said i wld refrain myself from posting pictures for a while, i am also very fickle...so with regards to the title, i did a picture collage that showcases....well me...n the people that makes it all worth while......sorry if some of the pictures are very small....i jst cdnt care less..or partly becoz i am just clueless.... n sorry if u r not in it....i dont like taking pictures....i only like to be in it...heheh..

the educator,the loser, the engineer

the young n the restless

che'nelle says it best

my little riot

the unconditional

very smart people captured in one photo..2 of which r my fave

when in rome,do as the romans

who'sville

multi-faceted

WRF 1508

full-time posers, part-time students

twenty-3

once a year indulgence

when n where it all began

my american boy

when life was a lot simpler..6 yrs ago

u give me that fresh feeling

winning 2nd

1997

thirteen

a very windy saturday

a before

an after

2 hotties + 1 fatty= 3 org berpersonaliti tinggi

BFFs sans the b.f (both bitch fit n boyfrends)

i am usually the odd one

the guy in checks...our uhu glu..part time hero as well

we goss,we eat,we whine,we suffer, n we enjoy all that student life has to offer

elated n elevated....interesting professionals we'd make

the flowers just don't do her justice..she even smells nicer..

thank you....

what people do

2008-07-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

a rainy day really doesnt help my lack of motivation to bathe..i believe we shld always consider the implications of our actions thus bathing too much in a day might not be so good to mother earth...i guess considering the hard situation we are facing rite nw, it is a good thing that im doing here n probably people shld adopt my habits..heheh...no no,dont get me wrong, i do bathe n i actually enjoy it...bt just like any other routine or chore, starting it is the hardest...in this case having to undress, step into the shower, soaping up,washing it down, toweling urself dry, thinking abt what to wear, deciding what clothes to pick out,dressing urself,if u have a facial regime, doing that as well,doesnt it sound tedious?hahaha...i think i just described everything abt bathing or showering or any self-cleaning activity...in that sense i am not my father's daughter...daddy bathes 5 times a day....

i went to catch sepi yesterday..poor the boyfrend...bt i felt it wasnt as good as i assumed it wld be..i thot cinta was better...sepi was, was sepi..it was empty....well it is not as bad as the other really bad malay films but,it was just laden with elements of pure and raw corny-ness..hahaha....i wld like to list down some important morals u cn learn from sepi.

1. paper flyers that ppl put on ur windscreen can cause serious accidents
2. sepi showcased the ugly truth abt how bad our national cars are manufactured,i;e the seatbelt malfunction in a proton perdana which led to a milf's untimely death of an after-hit n an explosion
3. a shoe designer or shoe maker in msia makes tons of money n can bag a hot wife
4. a shoe designer or shoe maker in msia again can be very successful n can spend his days n night running his misery away,besides ignoring the responsibility of caring for his only child with the dead milf..
5. never try to be heroic...if u see a brawl taking place,just call the police, describing the place,n possibly a description of the brawlers. if u cld ascertain that the situation is controlled, round up a large number of ppl,preferably big burly man, armed with baseball bats or umbrellas or other available things u cld use to hit a person n beat the baddies into a pulp until the police arrives...but i think the best way is to keep ur distance and get help..FAST
6. do not chase people unless u are jason bourne...full stop.
7.a fishmonger in msia lives in a nice hse with nice expensive furniture...the fishmonger brings back wads of cash so the wife can do nothing bt spends her days in a park n play or stare at other people's children...freakishly...altho he can afford all that, he still has trbl paying for the lorry he rents to make deliveries...

ok..i cn only come up with 7 for nw...anyone wld like to add to that list..?.u see, i am pro-msian films..i try my very best to watch n appreciate what msians can offer...bt more often than not i get quite disappointed...n that is after i have really lowered my level of expectations..i actually believe that our tv dramas have more depth, logic and substance...i think khabir bhatia has a syamalan syndrome. m.night syamalan was utter brilliance when he gave us the sixth sense...what came after that,...i dare not say....one hit wonder perhaps? bt i always say its better to have one hit than never having any....at least u wld be remembered for something great even if its just one thing..rather than not being remembered at all...billy ray cyrus had achy breaky heart...and bill clinton had lewinsky..or was it she instead...hhmmmm

Bonn

2008-06-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

i abhor the paranoia that is caused by unnecessary chaos....u cld say i cn be the most paranoid person around...i guess i inherit this from my father...when he is paranoid i get agitated with his paranoia n then i get reeled in it as well...haih...call me immature n selfish but more often than not i curse at the situation that is rite now....some people find it an honour n a privilege to be living in an era or period that might be recorded in history books years from nw....they claim those harrowing times either brought by war or depression or whatever social distress as moments that defined them as humans...a kind of affirmation for them to feel that they have done well n deserve certain social recognition...in order just to be ok...just to be able to accept thyself...ok i am now officially lost...pendek kate wat im trying to say is that i dont like whatever is happening now that is or cld get between me n my happiness...i do not wish to experience probable historical events....too many people dying n suffering everyday so its not fine n dandy for anyone pun...tetapi what power do i have....rejecting it wld make me seem unappreciative n of course an unbeliever... yet i do not want to be a prisoner in my own fortress of fear....

im thinking cock rite now instead of talking cock....n im gona lay off from posting pictures fr now..to see hw it ends....

mat sentul

2008-06-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

i went out with 2 very hot,hotties today...it was a sweltering afternoon in june...i brought them to KLPac..both of them hv never been there before n alia had never even been to that part of KL ...my initial reason of going there was to check out the bazaar at the market place...being cheapskates that we are it was a good thing that the bazaar was free..if u decide to catch a few gigs u had to fork out 35bux which i wasnt too fancy abt...one thing i can say abt Urbanscapes is that it was an event concentrated with an abundance of beautiful people...beautiful men especially...sayang if ur reading this, yes i indeed strayed..my eyeballs were busy eyeballing all the prime beef parading in front of me....besides all the man candy..err i mean eye candy, we got ourselves one top each, extremely sweaty armpits,a slight drizzle,and the privilege to watch several men n women attempt to move a car which was blocking our only exit point..n they did berjaya..malaysia boleh..angkat,tolak n relocate a car for the greater good boleh...

after the fartsy event, we headed for an early din din n since our darling aya's bday is a few days away we decided to treat her wit a pre-bday cake...altho what entailed afterwards did not involve any cake...i suppose watching all that 'meat' parade actually got us quite hungry... all n all it was a gud day hanging out with my 2 best girls...having good company is always a treat..so i hope u guys had fun too n aya happy pre-birthday!!!!! i say it nw just in case i forget...

my so kantoi-ed pic with kels n aya

i hv an invisible jawline..better still it's non-existent

we have known each other for abt 10 yrs now.....bt i highly doubt we look 10 yrs older than we were 10 yrs before...aku pon tk paham my mathematical equation..

p.s- oouu more pics...nw u knw..

my new bed mate

2008-06-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

after learning abt a book that has received rave reviews among indonesians n quite a number of malaysian for quite a while, i was indeed excited to knw that ayat-ayat cinta will be shown here....so i went to go c it with suaidy today....one word...breathtaking....breathtaking because the actors were so beautiful..breathtaking because the script was wonderfully penned and of course conveyed..breathtaking because it made u realize that altho it was fictional,yet u hv to admit that it reflected so much abt us,as humans,as muslims,as a part of a community, as part as humanity we tend to be at lost sometimes....the movie made me cry...hell it made us cry...shit i wld get into trbl there by saying that..hehe sorry sayang....one huge lesson that cld be learnt from that movie is that no matter how perfect u are or at least u thot u were,we must never forget n more importantly never think that what we do nw is ever enough...enough to receive His graces....so yeah,go watch it n bring ur boyfrens coz it also shows how hard it is to marry more than one....even tho it was d first wife's idea...hehehe n no having 2 wives does not mean u can happily think that a threesome is ok...

anyway say hello to my new bedmate.....it shall remain nameless for nw becoz i find it really hard naming something....i tend to forget or would find another name more interesting than the previous one as often as u change ur underpants....my cats had to endure being called soo many things that in the end i just call all of them puss....puss is universal n transcends genders, breed n everything else in between...

you are just tremendously wonderful..yeah u...u noticed...u remembered...u acted...that my dear just got u major brownie points...

p.s-call me whatever u want bt i havent posted any pics for a very long time...so wat if it is a little too much....the sight of my clavicle (or d slight cleavage,heheh) is for u bebeh...

cold play

2008-06-22T11:21:00.003-07:00

i am scared...scared of not able to remember...scared of forgetting...sometimes she is as familiar as the rain...she can be felt, like the sun rays that caresses my skin...bt i am scared of the times when i cldnt trace the outline of her sweet sweet face with my fingers lightly in the air....i am petrified if i cldnt hear her soothing voice anymore that reverberates in my soul...

silence,deep and absolute silence echoes in the cavity of thoughts...

i wait n i shall wait forever if it means that i shall see, feel, sense n be with u again..

extinction

2008-06-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

today can be summed up as being royally sucky...it started already a bit greyish n it gradually turned into uglier shades of poo afterwards....

i noticed that since ive been staying at home, ive started to become extra mushy...ive become so emotional and sensitive that the slightest issue could turn gargantuan....in my world that is...but why shld i take it so hard when clearly there are other worrying issues.....being cooped up at home really doesnt help one's sanity...or rather the lack of it...hahah

"It's a cruel thing you'll never know all the ways I tried
It's a hard thing, faking a smile when I feel,
like I'm falling apart inside"

so what am i supposed to do...what do u suggest a person who is soo lost in her own world, who not only wears her heart on her sleeves but also on her pant legs, shirt collars, and pleats...how do u tell her to stop being the person that she is...how do u tell her to stop from destructing her own self...

i hope tomorrow would be a lot better than today...i can only hope for life to be better for me, for u n for everyone else...hoping alone dah tk guna dh skarang...tomorrow will just be another day of hard knocking n drilling coming from the neighbour's construction...tomorrow will just be another day of feeding the ever so hungry stray cats...tomorrow will just be as disappointing as today...or could it be something else all together?

sayang sahaja hanya lah sayang...

moisturizer

2008-06-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

nostalgia.....

is when i look back and remember the days when i was young n carefree....when the only major concern is whether my hair is presentable enuff to save me from social embarrassment...when i only had to worry whether my crush was absent from school..(n longed for him to look my way)..when i had to come up with valid n reasonable excuses on why i 'forgot' to bring n submit my homework on time when in actual fact it is still in my schoolbag,untouched...when i would actually throw a fit when the makcik selling nasi lemak telor goreng runs out of the telor goreng 3 minutes into recess....

those were nostalgic fragments of my memories as a teen-ager not so long ago....i wonder how it was for you..

it's only been 6 yrs since i was 17 n yet i am still a bit unsure of myself....of the life ive led n the life i plan to live n the kind of life i would actually be living in....i sometimes think n feel like when i was 17....sometimes even younger than that...i guess the child or teen-ager in u does not really abandon u as u get older every year....it's nice tho as it does keep me amused when i try to shun the harshness of 'now' away for a moment of tranquility.....hahah i am soo talking cock rite now...

n y do i keep spelling teenager as teen-ager? i dont really knw....i guess the kebudakkan in me made me spell it like that...or probably age and the actual situation are actually very detached as one presumes them to be otherwise...the way i see it, i may be 45 yrs old.....but im still entitled to be at any age i prefer to be when time permits...kan?

i digress,........can we make choices when life doesn't give u any options to choose from....mungkin saya tk nampak lagi kot...buta dgn perasaan kecewa....bingung kerana harapan yang menggunung...

saya ingin melulu seketika......this is for you...

Mi Angelita

i asked God for water, He gave me a river,
i asked God for light, He gave me the sun,
i asked God for an angel and He gave me you, uuuu dubbadubba doodooo

now come here n give me some sugar!!!!!

how

2008-06-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

Its funny when u get that funny feeling in ur gut that ur not too crazy abt when u learn of something that u shldnt have in the first place…hahaha..for example to stumble upon ur sister’s diary n although u refrain from reading it at first,yet the temptation was too strong n u ended up feeling like shit when u read a page that intricately described her mind blowing experience of being banged by ur boyfriend of 3 years…

Not to worry of course…i was just wondering abt that kind of situation n if I would fair well if that happened to me…

Le sigh..the recent turn of events, primarily the rise in oil prices was not a surprise of course…I guess all the hullabaloo is becoz people didn’t expect it to be THIS soon..but I guess it is something we all shld learn to accept and make accommodations for….wat I dnt like it is when everything else is soo badly affected by it as well…n some people really do take advantage from it…yes prices of other commodities especially food would escalate….bt vendors shldnt simply raise the prices even more just to ride on the wave of things rite nw….i am an unemployed n unmarried 23 yr old woman living in the suburbs, 8 km from the city centre….i don’t hv any liabilities, I dnt hv to pay utilities, I receive allowance from a retiree, n I normally stay at home…I cnt imagine how someone who is a 38 yr old,married father of 4 schooling children who earns just enuf to make it into the middle income group, having liabilities, having to pay utilities, mortgage, school fees, food, petrol, books, occasional treats for the family…ah long…n wat not.. I just cant imagine how is he going to stretch wat he earns, his livelihood, any further…

and to add to this impediment, soothsayers and self proclaimed oracles are foreseeing a bleak future not so long from nw..bleak is an understatement...more of doomsday would be more suitable..the world is about to end as we knw it....

but to some other poor souls, the world has already ended for them...let us reflect, let us be thankful, let us be thoughtful and helpful, let us pray, let us re-think, let us react, let us remember, and let us be a better persona of ourselves...and perhaps...just maybe..oh well..

an old one

2008-05-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Who do u think ur fooling suraya..in the end ur only kidding urself..when will u realize that ur the sort of person that needs others to survive,to win,to live?let down ur oversized n overcompensated ego n just bite the bullet laced with guilt u call conscience.

Being a dreamer such as I has its perks but mostly its pitfalls… as much as u want to think that ur an independent person,u are undeniably dependent…face it suraya,like it or not, if u want how ur life to be as u imagined it would be,listen to them, listen to the bitter after taste of ur own reasoning…

GO!

Why am I so easily influenced by heart and emotions…

Am I asking too much?or am I setting the bar too low..

Why can’t I think for my ownself and not dwell on this.

Coz the more I think of it the more I’ll succumb to my destructive mind..

I hv a terrible posture which is affecting my back and shoulders..

Mcm nk pakai back brace ke or any sort of back support…

Some things are not for suited for an audience..

Maybe just one..itu pon I can already predict the response…

I always assume things..thats why im scared to freak just yet..

Kadang2 all this is in my kepala jek…I could actually make my own life a sad

And miserable one which is bad…bukan org lain yg hancurkan diri dan harapanku,

But my own flesh boiling thoughts..whatever that means la suraya..

I am so dependent on another human being…once it was my mother,

Now its him…wow gile beza…with different needs plak tuh…

I guess im just an emotional parasitic fern..if I was a plant la…I don’t just suck all the natural juices but its entirety just to feed my infinite thirst and hunger for love.

will u keep on bringing out the worst in me…

im hungry..im always hungry…am I filled with emptiness that needs to be constantly fed with notions of hope and happiness…tp makan indo me skang sedap gak..hhhmmm..

a creation

2008-05-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

when u try ur best but u dont succeed, when u get wat u want but not wat u need,....

stuck in reveeeeerrse...

chris martin is a brilliant man for conjuring such simple words but is actually so true...haih..that's wat im feeling rite nw..well ive been feeling dat way for quite a while nw n probly even before that song was ever written...but the full force of its' meaning is agonizingly felt now..my mundane days of indulging myself in doing absolutely nothing, are accompanied by the feeling of rejection and obscurity..yes i knw i cld just be exaggerating d whole thing..you might be thinking, what sort of hell can a person (me) go thru if she's just sitting on her fat-cottage cheese bum all day...the depressing rain and scarry as shit thunder/lightning is not helping the sombre mood either...

a person with insecurities and self esteem issues like myself would love to n conveniently point fingers and push d blame towards others for her own faults n flaws...and leave myself to wallow n drown in my own moat of self pity..but deep,deep deep deep down in my heart and at one tiny corner of my mind, i have no one else to blame bt indeed myself..but its nice y'knw...putting d blame on others..its more convenient...its just im depriving myself from the sweet scent of liberation.....and i can plainly say dat its just the case of being in denial..hahahha....

does being obedient and responsible has to come with sacrifices...a dimwit i am...it seems a self less act cn be rewarding, bt how about selfless acts that comes with a little grunting muttered under ones breath? can that still be considered selfless.....

i call that real life.............

p.s...this emo post was actually a recap of hw i felt earlier today...im now back to being ....happy? hopeful is a better word i guess....

..........would u consider engaging in a deep conversation with me?..............hahahah poyo..

the number 4

2008-05-24T13:02:00.000-07:00

according to my last post,i should be religiously updating my blog...tp at best i cn say im so malas rite now...altho there is nothing much for me to do but wait.....agonizingly wait...

wait for some poor company or organization to hire me as a mediocre,unequipped,inexperienced, introverted and lazy as a sloth employee....yes i am done with my studies....finally...alhamdulillah...however i hv yet to knw hw did i fair for my thesis....that shld'nt take long tho..probably in 3 weeks perhaps...then the whole cuak-ness would take place again...i hv sent a few applications, actually went to my first ever job interview...i suppose that might hv not gone well since my gmail is flooded with nothing but facebook updates...so yeah...thus explaining the waiting game i guess most fresh grads hv to go thru as a part of entering adulthood...to my frens who've started working...good for u...n dont worry,i would gladly find u from any corner of d world n demand for a nice plate of succulent steak....is wagyu ok?....
kinda worried tho...hv to find work before june ends and july starts....i hv certain commitments that need to be taken care of....n my boyfren deserves a smashingly cool present fr his bday in august....

on a lighter note n speaking of the boyfrend, we had a picnic date today at frim...our first ever actually....i woke up late n for dat u hv every rite to be mad, bt being d sweetest i cld get away with murder with u...heheh....lmbt2 bangun pon i managed to make sandwchs n scrambled eggs wit sausages....hw did d day end? wonderful as always..(it's 9 in the afternoon, n ur eyes r d size of d moon).not to mention probly 5 pounds heavier as a result of all the eating we did in less than 2 hrs a part of eachother...heheh...

its 4.16am rite nw...y am i not asleep..?cld i be an insomniac or is dis probly a symptom of having adult ADD?...what i knw is dat now that i am really,realy free,ive never felt so overburdened with the feeling of being trapped in my own cage of uncertainties...n becoz its 4 am n i am still awake,what i just sed did not make any sense at all....

1. i want my smexy omega supreme
2. i want a high-paying salary job that requires me do nothing bt daydream n layan imaginasiku
3. n with that high-paying salary job i want to buy things that i need of course and greedily want
4. n i need to finally stop tolerating my incessant wants and rants...

helo again

2008-04-16T13:11:00.000-07:00

helo blog...

i think ive been gone for almost half a yr,n trust me a lot of things has happened..i am currently in the midst of completing my thesis....something i shld be doing now instead of writing here....but i was going thru my older posts n i thot what a waste if i didnt write anymore...i think blogging actually helped me in being expressive...something i desperately need to have to write my thesis....which is due in less than 2 weeks.....can u imagine the pressure.....i knw i can,as im living it!!!

the idealist side of me is thinking that i should sleep now so i can wake up early tomorrow n start on analyzing my data.....such an ideal notion which i think might not even see the light of day.....however the practical side of me is trying to push that notion aside and actually force myself to stick to what i know is right n must be done......DAMMIT soedaydah, if u want it so bad,why can't u act or do as if it is the last ultimate thing....

oh n while going thru my old posts n pics, i noticed 3 yrs ago my double chin was hardly noticable...right now i go thru great pain and anguish clenching my jaw to hide it.....what happen la.....i think i am going to be active again here.....

o, hello

2007-11-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

I feel…..relieved? well I guess I shld be…alhamdulillah i passed my recent exams with colours that I need to proceed to the next semester…aaah yes,,next semester,the second semester n God willing will be my last n final semester as an undergraduate student…….wow..how does that make me feel? Excited,anxious,thrilled,scared,eager,happy,sad..basically enuff emotions that cn make u feel sick in the stomach…4 yrs sure do fly by unnoticed n hardly felt…mcm tak puas gitu..altho there were few points throughout those years worth to be erased…and of course many more memories worth cherished.

last saturday was sayang's open hse as well as a kenduri for his parents pilgrimage...doakan for their safety yeah...well i suppose as a girlfriend,obviously i hv to step up to the plate and do what i hv to do...so i went there slightly earlier konon tried to help out but in the end all did was borak-ing with his cousins....heheh...ok la tu kan...but it was fun,the food was great n it was a really really windy day...thnk goodness no one was wearing a toupee....kalau tak tu gerenti terbang...pictures will be posted once i get it from dydy...

anyway my ramblings are becoming dry n boring...looking forward to some domesticity soon...rite sweetness....n am sort of looking forward to school as well...who doesnt like the last day of school, what more the last semester..insyaAllah....

toodle tots..

what a pooper

2007-11-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

i am utterly and overly disappointed...devastated as well...! why!why! u may ask....well i came across a video on youtube courtesy of people.com...it was a video of the Hanson brothers,y'knw the MMMbop phenomena, and their families ok....dammit they are all married with babies....n TAYLOR,the one i used to have a major crush on,who used to look like a girl,is now a confirmed DILF...!!! DILF=Dad I Love To F*&%k...call me lame,pathetic,unbelievably a loser,but yeah,i myself did not expect how this could afect me...dah lah bini dier hot..n he has 3 revoltingly cute children.,...3 ok!! n he is only 2 yrs older than me...gos they do seem a bit amish or mormon..hehe....but yeah...this is a totally teeny-bopper entry ok....ignore it....owh n another devastatig news for me,neil patrick harris, Doogie Howser M.D,yeah,gay...gayer as any gay can be....a double blow for me...what's next huh?

cotton

2007-11-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

holidays are here again,but obviously not here to stay....its day 5 of a 3 week holiday n so far ive done nothing except the usual...tido,tgk tv,tido n more tv..the usual recipe n remedy for the holiday blues? hehe..anyway the recent exams were....HARD....especially this one core paper which i am so freakishly scared of failing...i hope n pray that i'll pass everything...i'd even accept monochromatic colours as oppose to flying cheerful ones...tapi hati ini tidak berhenti mengharap.insyaAllah.please help my grades..enuff of that i guess...dwelling on it too much would only spoil my 'splendid' hols...

i just created an avatar of me on facebook like a character on the simpsons...my avatar is named stella moon fry...yeah i know its not very original considering its similar to river pheonix's sisters' name,soleil moon fry..their parents must've been consuming too much shrooms during the flower power days...anyway i think ive been staying away from blogging for a very long time....i feel its a bit useless for me now...im guessing its more of my malaise self that is keeping me from continuing...n also probably with my dwindling memory capacity..hahahah.....lepas exam gosh the sponge-like brain has wilted and loss all its absorbing abilities...the sponge-brain has endured too many bontot kuali..dh worn out...not to say that it was good at absorbing when it was supposed to tapi tu la hakikatnya....as u get older the mushy thing filling up ur cranium gets mushier...?heheh....watching tonnes of tv now is not particularly helping either....

i am currently obsessed with heroes....ive been watching the first 7 episodes of season 2 n now im anxiously waiting for the 8th one...mcm kalau boleh i just want the episodes to just keep coming....n not having to wait for the next episodes to be shown in the US n wait patiently for my darling bf download it for me....the suspense is killing me....n thy lame self is lamer as i often daydream that i have some super ability pastu mcm related to the petrellis or better im more powerful ke tp tk sedar lagi...yes, this is not yet the threshold of my grand lame self....

"i dont know why but it seems like everything is happening not as how i expect it to happen..i know that that's usually the case,but cant u please leave something for me to be proud of....my choices,my decisions,my ideas,my life...? thank u can never be enuff for all the things that uve done for me,but as i move on further with my life im seeing a pattern here,organic and somewhat expected....the phrase expect the unexpected doesnt apply here...its more of expect what is expected....from experience n precedence,it all turns out good,hunky dory n all,but that uneasy feeling in the gut transcends the bitter aftertaste of stale milk.."

i miss u incessantly ticking me off just for the shear joy of hearing my leteran...

slamet hari raye

2007-10-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

The raya holiday is officially over…I have exactly less than 2 weeks till the finals…I sound intrepid don’t i..?padahal takut gak…...actually takot gile….anyway somehow I feel numb…numb from the gay celebrations, numb from all the sorrows that hover cunningly above it… this raya has been quite a wet one…it didn’t drizzle nor rained ….it poured as if the reservoirs in heaven burst at the seams and flooded the land of selfish and hapless beings…

Tahun ini I came to realize kids are vicious when it comes to duit raya….this year’s collection is close to…err…zero? Nasib baik a cousin of mine came and gave me my only duit raya…yg sedih kids are starting to ask from me…that is not good…coz it means two things….i look old enuff to be working…(still ok) n another is I look old enuff to be married (tue tu!) I shld stop dressing like a warga geriatric….itu satu lg cite…I jeles tgk org pakai bju pesen skang…u knw skinny jeans, funky n chunky jewelry, layering,suspenders! Who would’ve thot that suspenders are in now…dulu malu sial nk pakai…but my mum paksa juge or not my skirt will be around my ankles…haih…tp im afraid il look stupid…coz of the ‘in between’ weight issue..neither fat nor thin…susah jugak tuh…

Im noticing that the keys on this laptop has lost its sensitivity….kengkadang kuar kengkadan tak..herm….blom lg start buat my dissertation…n that my fren is another thing…….

Am I only allowed to savor the idea and what it brings instead of the real thing? sad, sad me….

Oh n if u are tapping into the uncharted regions in my mind,please don’t…I don’t think u’d like what u c…n no offence if u find out I think ur a few fries short of a happy meal….

today

2007-10-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

i went house hunting with my brother today...his grand plan is to buy a house as his bday pesent next yr.seeming as to how he is an employee of sime darby he has his heart set on their property development so dapat discount sket la....so we went to putra heights tadi..was caught in an awful jam on the mrr2....an indication on the sort of traffic and lengthy journey in order to get there...so bapoi,when u do move to putra heights dont expect me to c u every weekend....heheh just kidding...anyway, when we finally and eventually got there, i fell inlove with the houses...the new ones of course...the old ones with occupants was,nyeah..but the new ones were not bad....quite nice actually....a very well planned neighbourhood....and the design is quite stylish...ade yg modern...ade yg nak ade traditional concept..i had my eyes on two...even the finishes were great...n they weren't expensive.......not yet!!! so hopefully insyaAllah my bro will get it....so the proximity of putra heights to our current hse,(more to the lack of it) was compensated with the cute houses...i was imagining myself living in one of those houses....n that's whuts bothering me now...i hate getting all hyped up on something that has no full proof of it materialising. ....its a shame i dnt have the pics with me rite now...il upload later...so anyway...looking at hses got me visualizing my future....how i hope it will be like....and what i need to do to see that happen........gosh i really cant wait till i could afford my own place...i think ill be one of those mommies who'll get all those cool pink and gurlish things for her daughters room just because i never had those things....so mcm revenge of having not many things.......hehehe......altho i may sound rather ungrateful,its actually quite on the contrary...i had and have a good life.....it wouldnt hurt to have a little trimmings on what society perceive as a good life...

errr.....finals coming up soon...real soon...more of in two weeks kinda soon.....so pray for that i will study and score big time....please,i need this to work....i need this to happen..i need me to happen....herm dont know what tht means........

oh...love the Skid.....

happy eid

2007-10-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

happy eid everybody, happy eid to me....i worked hard at refraining myself from pigging out during fasting month n i managed to lose 2 kilos....just one day of hari raya that probably piled back again bringing a long a few of its kilo frens....... some pics to brighten the mood..n perhaps show everyone Helwa!!! my little burst of energy and awesomely cute daredevil niece...

the day started out with having a mcdonalds breakfast...yeah i know pagi raye makan mcd....how anak dara berjaya i am...oh bt the pancakes were good tho

p.s suraya, try to stay away from anymore nasi dagang....or say helllo to ur triple chins

Adique misses you……..

2007-10-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

And to think I hardly shed any tears, 6 years ago…nowadays it seems like the water works are working on overdrive. I burst as simply as any SYABAS water rects. I guess when time cruelly catches up with you, and all the important life changing events are drawing near, I can’t help but to think of u…especially during this auspicious month, above all right now…thinking how you’ll be missing out on those events…makes all those supposedly wonderful moments seem dreadful to me….dgr lagu Perpisahan, nangis….tgk org seronok2 during graduation day, nangis….pk pasal kawen or tgk org kawen, nangis…tgk iklan petronas kt tv pon nk nangis..tersepit kepala kat pintu kete nangis gile babi..6 years seem fairly long. But it doesn’t feel so.

Separuh diriku hilang, separuh jiwaku entah ke mana.

Emo post calls for corny lines so bear with me.heheh…I got another one, I think my mother was a MILF…now boys n girls hold ur horses....MILF= Mak I’ll Love Forever…and that’s what I want to be, the person I dream and wish to be, and that will be the me I want to be….heh….

the one with the long one and then some

2007-08-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

this will be a log one...trust me....

the swine was on hiatus for too long....th swine is back with a vengeance. hahah..right..anyway whats new...well i hv a lot to tell......bt it depends whether i rajin or not to put it down here....first shoutout is to nadia di singapura, i didnt know i had readers, probably just u, n 2 others but anyway thanx!!! malu pon ade..how's erica? is she still sprawled on the couch with her big black eyes glued to the tv? erica, the biggest and most beautiful cat ive ever seen....big is beautiful anyway...this brings me to a story worth telling.........people, finally after almost 5 yrs of being (blissfully) together, i made my maiden trip to singapore with dydy...ok its not exactly maiden la...my 3rd trip actually...the second one being about 30 minutes apart from the third...ok the first trip was with my bro...a one day trip which was worth spent....it was a few mths back when we attended a cousin's wedding in jb....so kirenye that was when my passport loss its virginity....i was so proud when the immigration officer kasi 2 chop kepade passport ku...with 2 loud stomps its now well on its way to getting more cops....hopefully..insyaAllah...ok anyway the day got us going to sentosa island....we figured that takyah waste time at shopping malls so we went straight to sentosa island via mrt and cable car.....

bes dowh naik bende alah tu..that was my first time tuh...kire byk first time la time tuh....the cable car ride was fun....and it really proved how heavy we were..the cabin was actually swaying and tilting when we moved about...important note...if there are more than one fat passenger on board pls be seated evenly so d load can be distributed n u will avoid plunging a few hundred metres into d sea....i hv to say sentosa is eerily well managed....but its gud la...d transportation, attractions and tempat makan very bes lah...d highlight of d day was catching the pink dolphins on show......i felt like ditching quantity surveying n become a dolphin trainer instead..... pastu g jenjalan at raffles...wow the moment i stepped out from d mrt station i felt and said to myself 'owh begini rasenye di kota metropolitan'........sayang take note when we are already rich from siphoning someone's swiss bank account we go honeymooning kat fullerton kay........or we just buy that damn awesome hotel....tgk je mcm dh horny..hahahah....otw back we decided to take d train to avoid d jam.......ok our ktm is at tanjung pagar....its supposedly the only msian soil in sgpore...tp when we got there the state of the station was really sedih......the stains on the wall is the same ones since the 50s....msia should really pimp it up...jage air muke sket...ni mcm kesian.....i feel sorry for d station..mcm kene left out.........to say that its kept like that for heritage reasons mcm, atleast clean it up a bit la...ni mcm premis citer kelakar seram..

otw nak naik cable car

shark attack

fullerton hotel

bapoi + me = tired faces

ok..moving on to the second trip......it was a study trip..actually i menyibok je..it wasnt my class per se...u see there are 2 elective subjcts this sem where we can choose to do only one..i chose property investment and valuation whereas the other one is international procurement...so obviously that class got to go somewhere...(at last)...but we all yg nyebok ni got more than we imagined........first of all the civil construction site we visited was by far the cleanest n safest u'll see...n we were treated so well n everyone was soo nice i swear i was teary eyed in my heart..hahah....pastu we had lunch at arab street at d famous restoran zam zam...makan byk gile nk mampos..beriyani, kambing, ayam goreng seketul sorang n murtabak..ok fast forward to shopping n later getting lost in orchard road...sorry guys for losing all of u....u cuak i pn cuak juge......pastu yg bes nye was our experience of almost being squished by a bus or a lorry....causeway at 9pm...traffic wasnt so bad.....but then suddenly d bus stopped halfway n people just got off...i thot ok they're in a rush n we werent.so tralalala.....skali mcm i was pushed/pulled to go down d bus as well...at first we were walking in a single file in d middle of d causeway ok....cars were whizzing really fast beside us..tu pon dh ngeri....so we got to the other side thinking its much safer.....well were we wrong.....we were walking sandwiched between buses and mixer trucks within a few inches je from our body..........at first both of them were stationary so ok lah....suddenly they started to move simultaneously n were picking up speed....time tu tayar bus memang sampai tinggi ketiak aku...n maner die nk nampak kiter dok jalan tepi dier....so we ran....i ran.for my life....smack in d middle of d causeway...neither was i in johor or sgpore........we could have been stateless n squished....alhamdulillah we were fine........this swine ran like a stallion..hahah....

upon reaching jb, dydy pon sampai juge...so we met up 15 mins later, got my stuff and i was back where it all just ended for my second trip to spore...this time i was driving...i had to drive their car into spore....thank goodness no more catching trains n rushing for buses....tapi i tell u, i was extremely tired gile....we walked for miles earlier on..from 7 am till 930 pm....when we got back eventually at 2 am, my legs mcm nk tercabut n my back felt like it cracked in 12 places....call me an exaggerator tp memang mcm tu aku rase.......second day in sgpore was spent shopping again at orchard road......the sale there is definitely better than kl......bought 2 pairs of shoes..i love love love.....that nite the cousins wanted to catch d fireworks....derang pon baru lepas merdeka time tu...so yeah,so more back breaking walks transpired.......never in my life was i apart of such massive sea of people............nasib baik boleh tahan...any claustrophobic person can die one la.....d fireworks were fantastic..some more tgk with sweetness so quadruple d fun la....pastu makan wit cousins (his, hehe) n balik n again i felt my limbs aching to the core...3rd day in sgpore attended dydy's fren from ns kawen....i got my first taste of kawen-bwh-block-n-makan-style-boyan-masak..........omigoz sedap gile swine ah kan......i makan tk ingat dunia.........ok another note abt sgporeans..........they are not fat.....ive yet to see any fat pl there...u knw why?they cant eat on public transportations n they walk around to everywhere n anywhere!!!!!!!! i felt really out of place there sometimes......u can say im d fattest among his cousins or cousin's gfs........heheh....doesnt help that pegi sane makan saje..."suraya must eat this,dont hv in kl"...aku pon ape lagi, have ke dont have ke in kl i ate everything in a heartbeat.......ahahah....met up with so many of his wonderful family members...felt rite at home with everybody....thank u so much....insyaAllah ade rezeki ill come down again for sure one....

so basically that is the shortest version i can come up with regarding the highlights of my life in the last 3 mths.........

amek ko...dr this blog xde gambar now overload.....

boom gedeboom-happy being 50 yrs old malaysia

2007-08-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

this is my ode to merdeka....sans the part where ade pasal robbie williams of course

my culture

When I look back over the years at the
Things that bring tears to my eyes
Poppa said we had to be wise to live long lives
Now I recognise what my father said before he died
Vocalised things I left unsaid
Left my spirit unfed for too long
I'm coming home to my family where I can be strong
For you I plan to be
Within me, my ancestry, giving me continuity

This is what my daddy told me
I wish he would hold me a little more than he did
But he taught me my culture
And how to live positive
I never wanna shame the blood in my veins
And bring pain to my sweet grandfather's face
In his resting place
I'll make haste to learn and not waste
Everything my forefathers earned in tears
For my culture

Fall back again
Crawl from the warm waters
Water to air
You're on your feet again
Your feet again

Hello Dad remember me
I'm the man you'd thought I'd never be
I'm the boy who you reduced to tears
Dad I've been lonely for 27 years
Yeah that's right my name's Rob
I'm the one who landed the popstar's job
I'm the one who you told look don't touch
I'm the kid who wouldn't amount to much

I believe in the senses sight and sound
I have always been too loud
Won't you help me drown it out

I'm what I feel, what I'm feeling is surreal
I'm a mass of spinning wheels
Always digging in my heels
Now I've got the faith to

Fall back again
Crawl from the warm waters
Water to air
You're on your feet again
Your feet again

This is what my daddy told me
I wish he would hold me a little more than he did
But he taught me my culture
And how to live positive
I never wanna shame the blood in my veins
And bring pain to my sweet grandfather's face
In his resting place
I'll make haste to learn and not waste
Everything my forefathers earned in tears
For my culture

Fall back again
Crawl from the warm waters
Water to air
You're on your feet again
Your feet again

(For my culture)

Fall back again
Crawl from the warm waters
Water to air
You're on your feet again
Your feet again

blips

2007-07-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

3rd day of school.....im being optimistic and wide-eyed...so far its not soo bad....tomorrow will be a day of gossiping with cuzens lepas tu nonton harry potter....d thing is ive never even watched any of harry's movies..neither hv i read d books....so esok mcmane huh?aku tgk with no expectations la....transformers berderum keluar!

wawa-wewa

2007-06-30T06:06:00.001-07:00

lightning crashes, an old mother dies
her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers,
belongs now, to the baby down the hall

wow!!!! the first ever picture and its one with frothy waves and a dahan pokok jutting out from the shore...its just a test run..but i do think its a nice pic.......impartial? hahah...nothing narcisistic yet..dont want to scare others.....i am actually queen of camwhores...well getting there actually....
atleast now i know i can post more!!!!...lets see what i can find to put up....

today my favourite niece came over....wow u must think of me as a bad aunt....but then again she is my only niece...for now la...no nephews.....1 anak sedare....maybe ill just say she is my favourite little person....my favourite and most loved less-than-3 ft person.....unfortunately i dont have a picture of her yet i can post...but i tell you she's my little riot......i love her coz she mimics everything i do...i love her coz her face just beams and her hyperactiveness goes on hyper-drive when i see her....i love her coz she is really smart.....i love her coz she thinks she' is an adult and is fascinated with breasts and wonders y she doesnt have anything alien protruding from her chest..yet...i love her when she tells me stories complete with hand gestures and interludes of singing and dancing....she is very animated.....and i love her coz she is hairy like me...heheh..i guess she loves me too.....she better....im her coolest aunt....whether she wants to believe it or not........i love u,u love me we r a happy family, with a great big hug n kiss from me to u, wont u say u love me too......i dedicate that to helwa....my precious little riot niece....

Autobots roll out!!!

2007-06-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

TRASFORMERS ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!!!!

Ok, although I wasn’t a fan, well I am definitely one now…I was too young to remember the cartoons dulu2….n I was into captain planet, and stuff…old school cartoons that I loved were only thundercats, jem n the holograms, spiderman, batman, carebears n the smurfs? kot…….well yesterday, initially we were suppose to watch alone (thai horror flick) but macam terpanggil to catch transformers…and so we did..along with a lot of other people taking a veeery looong lunch break and solat break…yearp so a lot of ppl skipping work to catch it…..watching it alone to avoid suspicion…..hahahah…..the cinema was packed……and a poor couple must have gone out of their wits to find a babysitter for their 3 very young kids that they had to, regretfully bring them along…..half way thru the movie, their young baby must have gotten really scared looking at cars turning to robots…dahlah dok seat depan skali…she must have felt she could get trampled during the chaotic scenes……but I didn’t find the howling baby annoying……..in fact there were 2 middle eastern foreigners behind us who were the noisiest…n annoying….but all and all,,,…..i am now wishing, secretely hoping…..that my car would turn into bumblebee or jazz…(my little paedo)….i think autobots make better friends, pets, family?....cartoons back then and comics don’t just provide us with shear entertainment…but they also had underlying moral values and social issues that suffice to say could actually nurture us folks to become better human beings…….

I went through my old emails last nite….first few actually….from 2001 up till now...altho I only read the received mails, (I kinda deleted all my sent items) I pretty much could see the stages of my transition to adulthood…haha..adult tak adult sangat la…highschool stuff as usual were mostly about boys..ocassionally there was some mention about studies…..(very little tho) tapi memang mostly bout boys,current crushes, n boy issues, n of course ranting about how uncool and insensitive our parents were…n more about boys…..these emails were predominantly from my 2 best friends of course…there were some emails from far away family members n friends….those are one of the best……there were also heartfelt ones that has touched me in many ways and of course the effervescent and lovely words of cinta n angau from D sayang….and lastly the very rare ones that brought tidings of horrible disappointment n notions of disgust……in some small ways, a bit of how life is…

the foo

2007-06-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

Hahah it seems like ive been posting here on a daily basis…sometimes twice in a day…..thus indicating and actually substantiating the fact that I actually have nothing else better to do……….

I was watching a bit of oprah just now….they were discussing abt how the current generation in america are very volatile and deteriorating because of the inability of parents to say no to them……..spoiling them rotten….even worse than soggy socks of the whole football team…..all because to compensate their absence…….they featured this family with the most brattiest and angry 9 yr old daughter…..there were videos of her screaming n yelling at her parents akin to Robert de niro (or was it al pacino?) in scar face?altho at times it seemed more like Linda blair in the excorcist….sumpah kalau anak aku mcm tu aku rebus……..hhahahah…pls, if there is anyone from social service reading this, don’t hold this post against me in the future…….i can agree to this after witnessing such atrocious children at supermarkets, toy stores and dental clinics……ade a little girl ni, she was rolling all over the kaki lima mcm nak masuk longkang and all the mother could muster was “sayang, jangan la macam ni, nanti jap lagi kite pegi beli kay” sheepishly…..i remember when I was younger, any misbehaviour would be accompanied by my mother’s cold stare….yet she can still maintain her composure and grace as a front when in public….n the icy stare wld be directed to us when there is a momentary eye contact….in that brief second I’ll know I’ll be getting the rest of it later at home….the old school of parenting believe discipline is the only way to bring up children…….children see parents esp fathers as authoritarians…….its a different kind of love they say….its there…its just hidden behind sweaty- frowning eyebrows and ever so ready raised bamboo canes…the current school of parenting is to be best friends with ur kids……getting into the groove of what’s hip……..

Nowadays the rotan is a rare commodity…..one day it might be featured on the history channel as a restraining tool…..a practice that had fallen with the demise of humility and respect in recent society……

our kids will have their fair share of smacks and hugs……..i’ll say more when that bridge is crossed…all we have to figure out now is how to make them……

Jojoba

2007-06-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Regrets…I swear I think every person has them…it could be from the tiniest speck to of gargantuan form….i and I guess a few others would agree of wanting to bend time a little and mend the things that lead to us regretting in the first place….but as we all know, bending or turning back time is just impossible…well at least for now…..the words I should have or I should not have keeps replaying in ur mind…what should be done is not to constantly moan about what has passed…..get over it silly…..pond about the cause which lead to said action….analyze and rationalize….sometimes the best thing to do is nothing….let time takes it course and do wonders like healing….but, at times, I think that letting time take charge of the healing is a safe way of dealing with things….or maybe at times a bit egotistical….too proud of saying sorry and admitting that ur wrong…a real honest apology that is………at least u owe that to them…those ive done wrong to…..

esp you….

‘the only resolution,

And the only joy,

is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes…..’(Spidey3 2007)

ali baba

2007-06-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

It seems my high protein, very minimal carbo n apparently lack of fibre has started to take its toll….rite now ye shits have gotten pretty rock solid…?hahah I know I shldnt be revealing the going ons in my colon n bowel movements but just as a reminder=must eat more fibre…….which got me thinking n maybe persuading me to a conclusion that I might need to go on an oatmeal diet……..oatmeal for breakfast, lunch n dinner……drastic huh….i know…..i cant believe myself either….oatmeal n suraya just does not go together…..neither will anyone ever thot it to be in one sentence…..so today im gonna try my new diet plan…..ill just need to get some dried fruits, I:e apricots perhaps to spruce up the oats….

What is it with my fascination of dieting n losing weight….heck I think there is no blog post yg I tak pernah berckp ttg diet, kuruskan badan n my love-hate relationship with my ever so faithful fat “friends”….i guess it also has something to do with my need to reach a legible achievement……something that I did by myself, for myself and as a result bring goodness to myself…n others of course…thus posing as a proof that if I put my mind to it, anything is within my reach………and hopefully some results will appear soon by the time semester starts…….so this can b a form of motivation for me, and hopefully dapat la aku merasa grad dlm lingkungan 2^nd^st class wld be fucking great……but that….wawawewa…needs a miracle.!!!! class upper……1

Speaking of which semester is starting in less than 2 weeks……..gosh I cant wait…..bumming around at home for 3 months can be quite monotonous….my bad jugakk….hari2 asek2 melopong depan tv…..stuffing my face n couch potato ass..bgn ikut suke ati datuk aku….mane tak productive…….every sem I tell myself both loudly n quietly, to study n concerntrate HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deeper & Harder should be my cogankata……..

I was watching oprah just nw n it got me realize, she is a damn good women la……..as a philantrophist, as a caring person…..mcm tak tau la kalau dier ikhlas ke ape,although I think she is, tapi wat she has done all these yrs with her wealth n the advantage of her fame n influence……byk org yg dah dier tolong…..aku sampai menangis2 tgk…….bodoh…kalau hari2 tgk air mata pon bole kering……n the issues highlighted, knowledge disseminated….whoah….aku takyah g skolah pon boleh tau byk kalau tgk…..if only all the other housewives around d world boleh tgk…..i mean.its a gud show n it’s a shame kalau kat msia ni kene ade astro…..so kalau those who don’t have it, cant afford it ke, takde signal ke,have to resort to watching soap dramas that don’t really teach u much except kisah2 keruntuhan moral masyarakat….3 things that hsewives shld watch…ceramah agama yg bagus,(Dr Fatma for eg) oprah, surviving motherhood, basically kalau kat astro channel 10(for oprah je) and 77, anak2 tgk channel, 50 sampai 54, 77 dan 11….nescaya hidup di dunia dan akhirat ok…..

PS- im a newfound satellite tv convert from normal terrestrial tv…..i had no qualms bout the latter….so pardon my enthusiasm….

shall we ‘cladle’ now, or shall we ‘cladle’ later…

dreams

2007-06-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have been experiencing interesting dreams lately….the funny kind, scary kind, adventurous kind, the sad kind and everything else…….i guess with my imaginative nature, my dreams also can get very illustrious and lively….sometimes I cld be having 3 to 4 dreams per nite…sometimes correlated and sometimes totally different….therefore making it seem like im sitting (more like sleeping) through several movies a nite…last nite my dream had me gallivanting thru town, that seemed like sgpore n Barcelona with my bf’s dad..on a business related adventure…hahaha….at first mcm ok je….going to merger meetings, associating with suspicious powerful people,pastu tetibe dah sampai kat atas jambatan besar atas laut yg tetibe for no reason snapped and there was a terrible storm….thunderous and tumultuous….siap kilat sabung menyabung..waves were 300 ft high….ships and barges were being tossed about like floatable toys in a baby’s bathtub…..and I was hanging to dear life………thankfully it ended ever so abruptly after a short while…..everything was dandy again….n I went back home as if nothing happened….weird……..tapi mcm bes…….another dream I had a few days ago felt so real and vivid……I cried in the dream n i woke up suddenly feeling like I just cried….a lot…..that was a rather sad dream……and the sadness seeped into reality……

“I’ll stop the world and melt with you, you’ve seen the difference, and it’s getting better all the time”…………

Kenape aku suke memikirkan yang bukan-bukan…….meng-imagine-kan yang bukan-bukan……kadangkale ape yang aku fikirkan memakan diriku, memamah jiwaku, merosakkan akalku, menyakitkan ragaku.. namun aku tetap akan, dan masih membiarkan imajinasiku menular…adakah aku memang tiada life, terlalu pathetic sehingga aku terpaksa mengangan-angankan perkara yang tak mungkin berlaku…..adakah itu caranya aku mendapatkan affirmation yang aku akan jadi manusia yang ok……?ataupun adakah aku sub-consciously tidak selesa, tidak bersyukur dan tidak menyukai kehidupan aku sekarang? Namun, aku rasakan yang kehidupan sederhanaku ini is more than I could ask for…jadi, mengapakah aku masih blinded by the gilded life I presume to be perfect…..aku takut…risau…dan anxious…jikalau sikap aku ini akan menyebabkan kejatuhan aku…….di masa hadapan kelak…

wahai Kamu yang Satu, help me find my way, have me close….help me be at peace….and find what I need to, to feel your ever so sweet grace……

i like to go a wandering

2007-06-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written anything in this thing for quite a while now…ever since I stopped working and with no internet at home the swine has been on a long sabbatical…somehow I managed to acquire a very decent 2^nd hand laptop…at a fraction of a price too..!!!just that I will be less of RM50 every month..bayar ansuran katakan….with benefits of course…considering I bought it from sayang….anyway…a lot has happened within this past few months….the birth and demise of close friends n family….weddings,get togethers’,illnesses,goals met,hopes crushed,new friends gained,old friends lost,childhood fears overcame,old-age paranoia starts to bite you in the derrier,ape lagi…macam2….but what still remains true and all the same?....my fats….they have very much made themselves comfortable under my skin….mcm taknak blah la plak kan…I actually went on those bogus pill kurus and miracle sachet drinks…konon 3kgs in 10 days…..at first ade la some results…but it was with numerous near-tercirit experiences….so after a few uncomfortable episodes I decided to stay off of it for a while…dah abis pon bende tuh..but I noticed it interfered with my menstrual cycle..my last period lasted up to 2 weeks….terkejut juge…..and the fats are still here not wanting to move a budge…..lazy buggers….but im the mother of all lazy buggers I suppose…. however I was really depressed last nite….my arms have become so flabby that I have fat pockets now under my armpits…it feels so uncomfortable….i have fat rolls everywhere…not to mention baguettes and croissants…heck im a walking bread n pastry deli….i know im not down right fat…n for that I am grateful….tapi when u feel like u cant even feel comfortable with ur own body n everything just bugs u,I feel like I must take action.. owh I have a question,if u rest ur laptop on ur stomach while ur lying down,will u risk frying ur ovaries and potential ovums? I actually thot I was clever thinking that it might burn the fat rolls kat perot aku….

I think ill stop here………

I miss you…so terribly sometimes………terrible most times…….sometimes I forget…n I hate myself when I do…forgetting u is my biggest fear…it only has been almost 5 yrs…..sometimes it feels long ago…sometimes it feels like it never happened……..what happened to us…….we were so close……..almost inseparable………we were like kidneys to eachother…haha…im the left one n ur the right one…we might be able to live with just one but having both next to eachother is much better…..makes u live longer and…function…better…makes u feel whole…we were like a single unit….sometimes when I lose myself and I think of you,the thots will make me stop n wonder,what did I do to deserve u……u don’t need a person like me……….unreliable……untrustworthy…….undeserving of ur love…….but I know that u do..unconditionally…yet I have done nothing……but all I know that my love for u is almost eternal….becoz there is only One eternal love…u kow that too of course……u are surrounded with that eternal love I long to be a part of……..sometimes I have people asking me how close were we….sometimes I feel that they should have a repugnant beef jerky shoved into their mouths for saying that……I guess they were just curious,or lost of ideas for a conversation……….i don’t blame them I suppose…….very few share what we have……….very few can understand how its like……I don’t expect many too…….its a life experience we all need to go through ourselves….i love you…I know I use to say that a lot….but I miss saying it to u…..relentlessly…..i never get tired of saying it…neither do u ever get bored of hearing it……..i love u….

And you……well done my dear…..thank u will never be enuff….thank u for bringing out the best in me…..thank u for being the best….n also trying to be the best,….

the grace of a swine

2007-03-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

owh nak tambah citer....n tambah kebimbo-an aku...last weekend oso i tersepit my,,,head kat sayang's car....basically the door was heavy n it had this mechanism where it closes itself kalau terbuka half way...so while i was trying to pull the door to close it shut,it banged my head instead,..so my head was sandwiched between the door n d car nyer frame tuh..sakit gile ok....it still is till now...tapi yg kelakar nye i cried like a baby....i was bawling..initially becoz of the pain but mostly i was really angry and frustrated with the door and my high n mighty clumsiness....when im really mad,i usually feel like hitting something...in this case the door was very convenient....but since he cherishes the car mcm anak sendiri,i cldnt do anything...so i ended up nangis mcm beruk...and channeling my anger towards him...poor my sayang...together with past pent up frustration and the throbbing pain on my temples aku pon menangis lagi ter esak2 depan mamat aku cinta sorang ni....hiehehe malu pon ade......and that was my weekend...SAYANG i laaaaaavv uuuuu!!!!!

i have 3 very cute kittens living in my oven

2007-03-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

its been a very long time since i last updated....well, i have been busy...busy doing absolutley nothing...hahah...the end to my practical training is drawing near...n the last few weeks were spent on site doing basically nothing...for the past month or so lah i go to the site in petaling jaya...its somewhere in kg medan which was made famous with its fatal brawls between the malays and indians a few yrs back.....sometimes it can get pretty boring in the site office that we would actually just sleep,gossip,read magazines and put on nail polish...this does mkae me sound very dumb,...mcm tak payah la ko blajar susah2 masuk uni...from my observation,when u work in the construction industry,kalau project dah nak siap or there isnt any,things can be pretty slow...tapi when there is a project at hand,u wont be able to have time to even breathe..

last weekend i was very lucky to snag myself tickets to watch nidji's showcase and the 3 diva's concert for free...hahhahaeheh...nidji were hot....sans one guy....the diva's had vocal chords of tremendous and astonishing capabilities...tapi when u put all 3 together,its seems like it was a 'who can sing it better contest'...i dont know why but kris dayanti always likes to dress like a tranny...and ape citer with those humungous sleeves man...actually we should not ridicule siti nurhaliza's dress sense...she was just immitating kris and the other tranny look alikes of indonesia...poor siti..mesti dier ingat cool nak pakai lengan baju besar2,baju warna warni mcm bendera,kelip2 plak tuh bile tgk kris pon pki centu....ruth sahanaya however exudes classic elegance.....i guess the age factor rendered her with wisdom in both her vocal prowess and terrific fashion sense....

owh,recently pon i got to watch mukhsin.....with all the hype and the fact that it won the grand jury award in berlin it stamped itself as a must see...aku pon tgk lah...frankly it didnt tickle my fancy...at all....mungkin org lain find the movie heartwarming and sweet plus fuzzzy on the sides...i however found the main actors i:e orked and mukhsin's acting very dry...hehe dry?is it just me but doesnt sharifah aryana's voice sound even more coarse than a guy who has been suffering from acute bronchitis?heheh trok kan i...tapi scarry ok...and it doesnt help that she delivers her lines monotonously....mcm dier anak android...bukan manusia....i dono la kalau citer tu kene censor byk kat sini but some scenes tak flow molek...a bit patchy here n there and painfully slow at times.......out of 5 stars il give it 2.85. tetapi 300...WHOAH...is all i can say..i watched it twice n its still not enuff....that movie ah,menaikkan semangat gile ok...my patriotisme has sky rocketed since watching that movie...i think they shld show that movie mase buat program biro tatanegara tuh...'

is it wrong to bask in someone eleses happiness? is it wrong to find comfort in the past? and is it wrong to want more out of something perfect?haih bile la aku nak dapat duit over time aku...my teeth needs scaling....

golden churn

2007-03-05T00:07:00.000-08:00

let see,last year my brithday celebration was 3 days long..this year,erm...a week....hahahaha..melampau aku ni...but turning 22 this yr came with a lot of suprises.......from amazing presents to quaint get togethers,sangat bes......i dont want to gloat but wat the heck kan,its my bday n i am allowed to gloat all i want......

List of pressies that i got:

1. a very very pretty floral dress-from hotness of course!!
2. a very very pretty handbag-from hotness's mum
3.a very very pretty blue bracelet-from aween
4.a very very pretty and sexy bra and g-string(much to sayang's amusement la)-from khalisa,ollie and munirah
5. a pair of very pretty and cute shoes- from kak jaja
6. a small red oriental pouch- from kak fieza
7.an uber cool mug with coasters- from fashran , amirul and nani
8.and a suprise bday get together-won't be made possible if not for the culprits namely kaye and aween..

thank u so much to all of my frends and family for all ur bday wishes,and big thanks also to those who came to my little bday makan2........

i am so terharu.......i have amazingly great people around me....and for that i am utterly grateful..

DELL

2007-02-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

today i experienced my first 'finger+fist' in ur face punyer gesture on the road to work tadi...suprisingly it was an old indian guy who got pissed with me.....maybe i was in the wrong tadi..but i signalled before i switched lanes...he might have not seen me untill the last minute kot...tapi .....i still think i was not entirely wrong...sket2 ader la kot...cuak gak..mane tau org tue tu tetibe mengamuk kat aku....nanti kene heart attack aku gak to be blamed...

anyway last saturday was my brday...thank you so much to everyone who gave me presents and well wishes......sayang had to give me my present a week early coz i menggatal took a teeny weeny peek but ended up seeing too much...so dier frust tak dpt suprise i so dier kasi tros.....its a dress by the way...really cantek..i suke sangat...gile babi punye.......u rawk baby...and erm, his mum gave me a handbag,my roomate gave me a oriental red pouch,n em...my fren will be organizing a makan2 for me this friday kot...heheheh.....

i need to diet..i must diet...for the umpteenth time aku ckp..tapi it falls on deaf ears je..MY DEAF EARS!!! its just so hard bile dikelilingi makanan sedap2 dan enak2 n yg tak berkhasiat n featured on the top calori and fat list to be avoided sampai nak kene ban setiap hari!!!! uwaaa...to gain weight is so easy..to lose them is a chore....and fatty foods are so much cheaper than healthier ones..........what does that say about my eating habits?..hhehehe

this shitty olive colour reminds me of the organic wheat drink i once had...it tastes just as bad as this colour...what u have to go thru for beauty....ow,i should always think of this is for my health,and not for the vainpot i am........

royal spring

2007-02-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

semlm was valentine's day....smue org seronok meraikanyer...prices of roses and dinners at restaurants sky rocketed...its amazing how commercialism can do to such a celebration that doesnt even have a public holiday to its name...anyway,suaidy and i have never celebrated V Day...not that we were anti- V Day neither did we think it was very special up to a point it became a necessity to celebrate...but i'd like to spill wat happened to me yesterday...

lets start with the night before,i was pissed and hurt bout something...of course love and boyfriend related....couldnt do a thing that nite but mope about it..went out with my roomate for maggi soup and more bf bitchfest.....when ur mad all sorts of old rubbish yg buat u bengang escalates...u exaggerate ur feelings and sorts..when u feel all hope was lost,there he goes and gives u a mad suprise...yesterday morning, when i just arrived at work,he called saying he was already at the lobby in my office building...i went down to find him lurking or rather hiding behind the elevator with a HUGE bouquet of yellow lillies!!!! OMG OMG..perasaan seronok tak terhingga,hiba,shy smuer ade..mcm nak meletup muke aku...he sengaja actually made me piss like that the nite before in order for the full effect of this flower thing to happen...yg comel tu dier nak main sorok2 kat tepi lift...sayang ur built is no longer of a 8 yr old boy...tapi cute giler...but all the guys at the office had a negative thing to say...mcm perli besarnye bunga n stuff...n takleh belah nyer ade this guy tegur saying "dah pakai tudung tu n org islam maner boleh sambut valentine" (i wear d tudung at d office) i mean fark u la kan...ur not so holy urself..i mean i know how u stair at us like fine cut australian beef...smokin gin the elevator when it clearly is prohibited...pastu nak ckp mcm tuh....hish...ur just a sad ass fuck who's not getting any coz u cant even do a small sweeet gesture to ur wife....

anyway...that little hiccup does not affect me one bit...im still so ecstatically happy....i dont really like flowers...so i thought..heheeh...but receiving one from someone u love so damn much,mcm tak terkata....yerp they will die soon,but the feeling u had when u got it in d first place plus the situasi plus the hunky boyfren....haih memang cair aku sampai bile2....thank u so very the much sayang....without a doubt you r the bestes n d rockest.....and i love u so much and more...

yeo's

2007-02-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

this month's expenses menakutkan....!!im spending as if im earning rm4000 when in fact its one zero less than that...anyway i came across an advert in d nst about an unbelievable sale for mng,victoria secrets n calvin klien ...90% off tuu.....and in a building rite next to my office....was pretty hyped yesterday abt going.....tapi deep down i hoped that i will be dissapointed and dissapointed i was...the merchandises were in ghastly condish....walaupon murah tapi mereka mcm x patut dijual pon or even c d light of day....so i was happy becoz of d dissapointment.as it means no money was spent.....hehehe...byk lagi nk guna utk perbelanjaan seharian....its not even mid of d month but most of my gaji dh gone....

tonite will be our dinner.i think ive mentioned it before....wat am i looking forward to is to catch up with frens......binge on d latest goss n food of course....tapi somehow i notice,sometimes,kan, in a room full of people pun,kadang2 raser mcm ive been teleported to a place where i can hear only the echoes of my thoughts....

herm valentine is near...so is my bday...nothing exciting bt getting older when thots on how more responsibilities and life complications are headed ur way....

sayang im sorry i was grumpy yesterday.........sayang u sangat....nanti buat la lagi wat u wanted to do for me yesterday...heheheheh.....confirm nxt time jadi punye....

bye nak g buat keje......kalau tak nanti org ingat i dpt gaji bute,,...adieu

maybe tomorrow

2007-02-06T17:32:00.000-08:00

aku suke2 je nak taknak update blog ni....sometimes i feel i just want to terminate and be done with this...its not as if i have interesting things to say about myself or daily anecdotes that is worth ur time reading it....or my time writing it....but what the heck...nak story ape citer last week....

we (me,awin,jaja n D BOSS) went to penang last week..a day trip to oversee an almost completed project....gosh,the last time i was there was 10 yrs ago....or more...i kecik lagi..time tu tapak kaki kecik lagi...i actually bought a pair of very ugly red and white polka dot shoes...gosh the horror...kat komtar...hehehe....i never had good fashion sense......sampai skang..haih...buat memalukan mak aku je......penang was blazing hot....georgetown was buzzing and congested...one thing i noticed when we got off d bridge was how penang actually looked like singapore or hong kong.....although ive never been to both of those places tapi tv ader duh!! high rised condominiums dominate the island.......more underway too...owh dapat makan goreng pisang mahal tapi berbaloi...it seems this goreng pisang is very famous...dier jual seketul terus.....kalau kat sini satu ketul pisang belah tiga pastu jual 6 1 hinggit...ke 4?.kat penang satu goreng pisang is 70 sen....ok la kan..puas...i did not bring back mutiara or i love penang tshirts n keychain....instead a bloated stomach,sweaty armpits and an absent mind....

im supposed to be on a crash diet....this week..konon..this coming friday is our pre-grad dinner for our seniors....kena kempiskan perut sket....do u take someone's invitation to the gym as an insult?a hint or just a friendly gesture?lets just stick to the latter...

last friday i went for pizza and a movie with my girls (kels and amy) and my boy with his boys (iryan and aizat),it was hillarious....kecoh satu pizza hut...we stalked this waitress at delifrance...we harrassed another waitress at dome...pastu tgk citer the holiday....a chic flick...poor boys..to be dragged to watch a chic flick is to them trecherous...hehehe....our verdict...the holiday is very corny,slow and a useless attempt of trying to evoke that fuzzy feeling and also quiver our loins......we also realized that jack black never gets to shag or even snog a female character in any of his movies....kesian kan....or is it good?

the dashboard confessionals confesses that hope is dangling on a string,
the snow patrolers are lonely fucks who lye on the road asking others to risk their lives just to lay with them, to also chase cars in their heads when in fact actual cars can just run over their heads and end their pathethic misery.the fray however are in bewilderment, they began to wonder why they came to hear dash and snow lament about their miserable, desperate and pathetic lives.... dash and snow, in the end died due to a motorway accident......fray was overcome by bouts of depression as he didnt know how to save a life, have cost him the lives of others,who may not even deserve to live,tapi nak buat mcmaner dah itu suratan takdirnya...
it is evidently clear that i am just writing nonsense...my nonsense that only makes sense to me...

to you out there, i love you...and i love you some more...more and more...for always...

Something we should think about (courtesy of The Fray)

2007-01-17T00:58:00.000-08:00

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blameAnd you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
{Repeat the chorus four times}

soft cookies

2007-01-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

thank god its friday....some may think fridays are when the week actually starts...where all the fun and excitement begins...some may think that a friday is when it all ends...some may believe it would be a day that will end all days...for me today,its just like any other friday..hachoooo..i like to add in my sneeze to this post...gives it more character perhaps....just to be fair to the monitor after having to reluctantly receive my germ infested sneeze...
it has been quite a week this week....i just started doing part time work on monday...phoah suraya,never in her life has she been employed before pastu skarang is juggling 2 workloads at a time....so for this coming few weeks i'll be working from 9am to 9pm.........sometimes stretching up to 10 plus...not to mention the work i have to lug home....my car is again a storage facility cum wardrobe cum extended legs...eheheheh....tapi yg tiringnye is the commute...because of the hours im on the road are usually during the time where everybody else decides to be on the road...so u can imagine the traffic jams i have to endure everyday...haih....dulu i was cocky to say that i think its more a driving experience driving a manual,but now i cant wait to save up and buy an automatic transmission car.....tapi tak slim2 gak my legs...owh bugger..
im looking forward to tonite's dinner...i think....its a small reunion among classmates yg skang pon tgh bekerja....exchanging work problems and stress kot....comparing who has the most workload,who's got the better pay,who's company is bigger than the other...heheheheh....im just assuming jer....

tomorrow is the 13th of jan.....4 years and more counting.......i will wait for you....waiting is what we do our whole lives...so what is a few years more...kan?

am about to head back now.....i need to sleep...rindu nak tido undisturbed......and to u out there,whoever u are,dont fret,dont worry n dont question....yes sometimes its good that ppl perceive u in ways that u may think is undeserving of u....what they dont know,would save u from a lot of hurt....as they say,ignorance is bliss....ignoring the finer points could turn u bitter.....strike a balance between the 2 n i guess u'll b fine...

a doggy one

2006-12-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

i left the rottweiler panting for more...
i left him in a cage full of regrets,
he howls, as he shouts,
for me he calls out,
my mercy he begs, on all fours with humility,
as i the holder of his liberty,
preserve his submission,
in the dim-lighted alleys of my heart.

impiana

2006-12-28T17:18:00.000-08:00

it has been 2 blardy days that me n my mates at work have done absolutely nothing at d office....our super(bos) was away n left us with nothing to do......doing absolutely nothing,killing time by doing nothing else but breath is just absurd....very notorious to one's sanity...how can anyone survive extreme boredom...?aku ni suke merengek kan....tapi all that time spent on nothing at the office n doing nothing at home are two completely different things...kat rumah u dont do anything pon can be considered as sheer bliss...all uve accomplished is pissing of ur parents...

its going to be a long weekend......i noticed that my juices only flow when i im feeling low.(haha bunyi mcm rhyme...im so lame)..what juice? jus oren seems to be a malaysian favourite...any tv drama kalau scene pegi restaurant mesti order fresh oren....herm talking bt rhyming,apa kata i list down weird things associated with me........

1. im obsessed with even numbers....could it be that i have a slight obsessive compulsive disorder? i get agitated when i see the volume dial kat radio kete nombor 13 ke 17 ke 23 ke....it must be even to me!!! 14 ke,34 ke or 6..and i hate it when someone only smacks one buttcheek....i throw tantrums n beg them to smack the other one...takleh lebih atau kurang....oh dear..

2.i like to drink meylow....it is not some new brew at starbucks..neither is it a new coctail concoction.....it is infact milo.....thats just how i like to pronounce it...

3.erm there are actually too many to list down......i sound as if i am a 90 pounds,double f cup,dumbblonde.....

menempuhi hari hari kebosanan has affected my thoughts........the cranium is empty....*echo echo*

i should end this nonsense now........some say its best to say very little than say too much.....

frust menonggeng

2006-12-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

its been eons since i last posted anything here.....the end of 2006 is just around the corner..have i drafted any new year resolutions...?not yet..but i may have an inkling what they would be....
what is new with me...let see,i spent my holidays doing nothing as always....and now ive started my internship for 4 months....its almost a month....for a person who has never been employed her entire life,its been ok....thank god im doing it with 2 of my other frens.....i notice that from the 5 lines ive written my writings have become very mundane and dreary........well actually that is how i feel like sometimes...especially lately.......

do u know the feeling of having everything,yet u still think ur missing on the little details that would make ur life feel complete?for example ur 5 yrs old, ur father just bought u ur first bicycle,all shiny,and pink with all d necessary trimmings,tapi u still feel uve come short of some certain happiness, untill u stick on a 'my little pony and friends' sticker on d handle bars or kat basket dier.complaining will make u seem discontented and unappreciative.....tapi siapa boleh terangkan pergolakan yg berlaku ini.....u feel it,u can taste it everytime u swallow,yet it is still an untangible entity.......hummmdummdoobeedoo....maybe i havent given enough to receive enough.....

owh well,i still dont know how to upload pics here properly....mcm lembap giler babi.....mcm nk give up je benda alah ni....mcm nak lepas geram tapi mcmane....mcm kene stop ckp mcm...its like to the americans the over used word 'like'.......

to u out there,how r u really..?..

owh on another note, whenever depressed,get ur hair fixed.....if done properly,wonderful results awaits u.......i didnt know how a fringe n a few inches off lifts 20% of whats depressing u.....

last week

2006-09-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

last week was....
my car got tinted,
my cousin got engaged,
my eyesight is starting to get bad,
my brush with an accident,
my baby finished his ns,
my fats are here to stay yo..

let see what this week will bring...

one friday morning

2006-09-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

smelling ur own fart is a bliss,

bask in ur own failures,

conquer ur fears with bravado,

weep within the arms of loneliness,

and feel grace thwacking reasons into ur heart.

Value engineering

2006-08-15T23:35:00.001-07:00

its mid week.....i havent done much progress......
i think there is a considerable amount of assignments that needs to be done but i havent gotten down n dirty with them yet........and again i received a compound this morning.....fresh and crispy and slightly dewy.......what do u expect...pak guard tulis saman kol 8 pg.......
i really need to get d goddamn sticker.......as if life would be better tho....

my plans of going on a crash diet went all bust when i,together with my bestie named greed piled on the rice and lala n prawns and tempe with rice for brunch tadi.........haih...lepas ni nak g delicious in one u.......nampaknye i'll just have to stare at the tiramisu and heavenly brownies......immersing myself in the joys the desserts could bring me.great peace and immense pleasure......hahahahha..."lucy in the sky with diamonds".......desserts are my LSD......

last nite i was a bit pissed......it could be enhanced by the fact that i was hungry...sleepy and tired....but nonetheless i was bothered by someone's remark about my father.......u see,my father is a wise man with a few words......he is quite eccentric and quirky at times (that i sometimes tak tahan) and very much conventional and old-fashioned........how can he not be........he was born during the times where malaysia was still under the japanese occupation......well,his peculiarity does not give other pppl the right to judge and MOST IMPORTANTLY to make fun of.......last nite i learned that a few ppl im quite close to called him 'taxi driver'.......u see i do not detest or pandang rendah taxi drivers.....i have great respect for them and highly regard their profession as something that we all depend on.......lagi pon hari2 hidup derang berhadapan dgn berbagai2 risiko.......n i have met many nice n polite taxi drivers........a few occassions soem of them were professionals ie: engineers,lawyers and accountants who had to get use to the KL jam rather than punching on keyboards........but society sometimes find that the job as a taxi driver is hillarious... n humiliating...as something that can be subjected to their whimsical views.....someone not worth the respect......hahahah i can laugh at it at that moment......tapi sakit ati jugak......this isnt the first time for me to receive such a hurtful remark....maser skolah dulu just becoz my dad drives a beat up van (which he still does) some kate he was like a pakcik jaul sayur(again i still think that is a noble job...providing everyday necessities is better than laundering money as an unethical auditor).......and mcm2 lagi.......and i get utterly disgusted when sometimes these thoughtless name-calling or characterizing my father come from family members...........mcm go to hell la to all of u kan........i can safely and proudly say that my dad is in soo many ways better than u.........this also goes out to those yg suker2 giving names and making fun of others.........those who belittle others are no different than scum........siapa yg terase kepedassannye padan muke ko..........i admit i may sometime succumb to the invitation of Satan's forked tongue.....tapi aku try tak kutuk depan ko.........family and parents are off limits ok.............!!!!

well that was an emotional disclosure......angry thots causes hunger pinges........owh yeah..last nite i ahd a good sleep......becoz i mandi and did my laundry..........nothing more refreshing than clean clothes and hair........im off to pick my nose in the privacy of my cubicle/room........

cache 22

2006-08-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Suaidy is 22 today.......happy birthday sayang.....all of u go n wish him oso.....i wasnt the first....but im certainly gonna be the best....i sort of forgotten that time is earlier down south...so his workmate wished him first.......with a big slobbery kiss and an ass whip...schplack!!!!

i love u Sayang,and may we celebrate our birthdays together till there are more candles than the cake.......and untill our geriatric doctor wisely advises us not to eat our bday cake because of our kencing manis and dah tue.......thats how long it will be dear.......till we're left with our gums,till our hair turns grey and scanty,till we can't remember our 12th grandchild's name...and untill.......in the words of Walsh,Ursula (2006),bladibladiblabladubla.....

muah muah muah sayang!!!!

cache 22

2006-08-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Suaidy is all big today...he is 22 and go wish him happy birthday....
i did.......but i wasnt d first.......i sort of terlupe that time is earlier down south.....so his workmate wished him first n gave him a slobbery kiss and a big slap on his butt.....

Sayang be sure to get ur gift from me......its a good one.....im sure of it.....

fart art

2006-08-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

haih nasib2....on a hot blazing saturday afternoon and im absolutely clueless on what to do today......i could do my english term paper......do a lil bit of researching here n there....draft the silly thing n get it out of my hair.........but its saturday y'all........hari utk bersuke ria......hari utk melendes di katil and tak mandi n eat choc-mint tit-bits......gigi pon still discolored from last nites dinner........but today i was up at 6.50 out of the house 10 to 8 and had my first percussion class in uni......altho this was already the 3rd class, i missed d previous 2......today's class ajar main kompang......super fun.....wrist super hurt oso.....super looking forward to next class.....super stop saying super........

last week was my faculty's festival.......kaed fest........it came and went but the trail of memories,hardship,frenship and d sizzling arguments overshadowed the event itself......i think.......the latter mostly of course is highlighted in our own kaed forum, frequented by many every 3.5 minutes........what's my take on it?......it was nice and quaint.........felt like hari keluarga......wasnt too fussy on being too academic.........wasnt too cheesy.......just nice and just how i liked it........so kudos to my frens........whats next in line.......convest ppl......ya Allah jgn lah ia fall flat on its face..........a little scared that it wont be as 'happenin' as it's hoped to be......curse those financiers........tak ke derang paham we students need all the support and encouragement to bring great victory to this institution we pledge to..........ni tak........hish mau tak abis sampai minggu depan if i want to express my displeasure here.......

ok beberapa minggu yg lepas saya dan rakan karib saya telah pergi menonton the infamous Pussies........rela saya nyatakan disini it was money not worth spent.and mind u it was 70 smackeroonies ok..........ok let me recap what happened on dat day.........class from 9-1......2 o clock drove to pj to settle an errand........sampai gombak balik at 630.....rushed to d cc to type an asgment in 10 min flat!!! sedar thumbdrive kawan hilang.......frantically searched for it merata.....dok tertonggek2 mencari kat male college giving d boys a good view of my fatty arse..........left at 720.......sampai at frens place half an hour later.......left damansara perdana at 810..........massive crawl kat KJ.........sampai sunway at 840.........park...cari kawan tak tau mane.......coz my tix wit dem.......derang frust coz dah start i tak sampai........i walked for miles,endured hoots from motorists......halfway thru huffing n puffing tetibe dgr 'loosen up my buttons babe'.aaahh sial......ade ke opening song lagu famous nombor satu carta.......i dah mcm farkin hell i went thru all this to miss the one song i suke nak mampos.......ok sabar2.....kesian my bestie.......she was already in d vicinity.can hear but cannot see....but had to wait for late idiotic me, she missed it oso....i tau u nyumpah2 i time tuh.....sorry n i love u dear......pastu lagu beep kuar.........my blood pressure dah naik.........ok pastu masuk ah concert tuh......so it was buttons,beep,stick with u ,sway,some 80's cover,dontcha aaannnndd......."thank u msia,terrimer kaseyh"!!!! THAT WAS IT!!!!!!!it wasnt even 10pm.........it was a bloody showcase.......it was friggin 45 min of prancing n gyrating in the tiniest of rags........i actually got back to uia in time much to the roomies amusement.."eh bukan gi tgk concert ke?asal balik awal sgt?teket abis nyeh"..................
so that's d story,morning glory.......

i want to go to jazzfest....(and dye my hair this colour)......anyone wanna come along?

sayang,1 more month and we're set to go......go where?u tell me........I LOVES YOU

2006-08-10T02:12:00.000-07:00

God speed....................

let me survive this month.........

catch 22

2006-07-25T02:12:00.000-07:00

this past few weeks have been nerve-wrecking..........often i wonder what week and what day am i currently living now....
on some days the heat has been like the gates of hell have been unleashed..
on other days the torrential rains are so vicious as if in those catastrophical movies........
but today it had to be hot........
and i had to wear my black velour jacket in the blazing hot sun
doing site investigation.......

a few weeks back was my close friend's wedding......it was my first ever wedding that i had no blood ties with the bride n groom....and i went there at my own account and made me feel so grown up......
i could write endlessly about it but i think i'd rather gather a few string of sentences to express how the day went..........it was beautiful.....to me it was perfect......altho it wasnt ur usual $60,000 dollar wedding with all the unnecessary frills and frou frou and protocol and cumbersome mak andam fiasco.....it was a pastoral family affair sans the noisy annoying shrilly mak cik.......the bride was statuesque,the groom was handsome n in his own element and the mosque where they were solemnised was a picture of serenity....pictures will be posted soon......

to nawal and farzwa,may wedded bliss and togetherness will forever be....i know its corny......its a wedding for gods sake..

i have to run for class......
i need a shower.....
i need to release..
i need you....